[QuietCat]

I don't really understand why. I went in very happy to get to see T. I just really adore him lately. Then at opening of session T told me he had a sense last session was flat and didn't accomplish much and I agreed it was. Then we sort of went down this path of opening topics in which it became clear to me that I had made very little progress and then it just suddenly popped into my mind "What am I doing here?" And I could very clearly see that I have been going to T for over 2 years and I still am alone and afraid of socializing. And then I sank into a hole and couldn't speak for a long time.

T kept asking me what I was thInkIng. What would I like talk about and I fInally told him none of the things that are so important during the week are ever important when I get there. Then he said he would pick a topic if I wanted and I agreed. But from there I just zoned out and barely heard any words he said. And I'm sure he saw this. I even told him I didn't know why I was there anymore and he tried to tell me about progress I've made. But none of it seems all that impressive to me.


Why did I go so fast from happy to major dispair? I've never done that in session so quickly.

Originally Posted by QuietCat

I don't really understand why. I went in very happy to get to see T. I just really adore him lately. Then at opening of session T told me he had a sense last session was flat and didn't accomplish much and I agreed it was. Then we sort of went down this path of opening topics in which it became clear to me that I had made very little progress and then it just suddenly popped into my mind "What am I doing here?" And I could very clearly see that I have been going to T for over 2 years and I still am alone and afraid of socializing. And then I sank into a hole and couldn't speak for a long time.

T kept asking me what I was thInkIng. What would I like talk about and I fInally told him none of the things that are so important during the week are ever important when I get there. Then he said he would pick a topic if I wanted and I agreed. But from there I just zoned out and barely heard any words he said. And I'm sure he saw this. I even told him I didn't know why I was there anymore and he tried to tell me about progress I've made. But none of it seems all that impressive to me.


Why did I go so fast from happy to major dispair? I've never done that in session so quickly.

Well, I think when he opened up by saying you didn't accomplish much last session was like someone running up with a pin and popping your balloon. And if you are at all like me, you are an anxious thinker, and you start thinking, wait, what HAVE I accomplished? And so much of it can't be put into a list like a list of chores: I swept the floor, cleaned the bathroom, etc. All of these things take time. If you feel good about him in general and he was trying to tell you that you have progressed, I would believe your overall feelings, as well as his. I hope he learned not to start a session like that, tho. I know I would want to sink through the couch.

Asking what you are thinking is a HARD question to answer because you were probably on overload and I never know what to say. I guess it could have been "I felt good when I got here and then you said we didn't make much progress last session and now I feel like ****." I mean, this isn't a race. I was incredibly shy my entire life until college, and even now in my mid-thirties I shut down in huge groups. The stuff you are working on is hard. I think you were zoning out as a defense mechanism because you were so overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do. When you see him again, try as best to describe how you were/are feeling, or perhaps write it out for him to read if that works better for you.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, even though you may not see yourself in everything I wrote. Anyway, please take care to make yourself be heard in some way.

I think if my t had said this to me, it would make me go into the depts of despair too Quietcat. I know he was being honest with you but did he really have to be so blunt with you.
Last session was flat but next one doesn't have to be, does it? This was not your fault so don't feel like you are to blame for this, t has his role in this too, you bring him the ingredients and it is up to him to make the dinner.
Please don't beat yourself up over this, it wasn't your fault.
Do you think T was dissapointed in you? I get a sense that this is what you think and this is why you went into despair- correct me if I am wrong of course.

[QuietCat]

Originally Posted by button30

Please don't beat yourself up over this, it wasn't your fault.
Do you think T was dissapointed in you? I get a sense that this is what you think and this is why you went into despair- correct me if I am wrong of course.

I guess as we went from the topic of previous session on to the topic of my weekend (in which I did nothing) then onto my lack of emails from the dating site I'm on, and he asked questions that I have answered before, or he made suggestions that he'd already made and hadn't helped, I started feeling like I was failing him maybe and not making enough effort and just wasting his time. And that I was a hopeless case he couldn't fix.

So yes you are right about me feeling like a disappointment to him.

I've never emailed him before between sessions because he has this rule about only emailing if it's about appointments, but I almost want to email him and tell him what went through my mind.