Do you think we shouldn't be so "informed"?

Trigger warning -------

Well what I was trying to say was, knowing how to keep score in tennis doesn't do squat for your aerobic conditioning - or for your quads. Knowing how to read music doesn't mean you can sing. OTOH, once you have conditioning, it's nice to be able to play a game of tennis. Two different things, and I think you need both. I think a problem with Ts is that some are too rule-oriented, and some might be too light on the rules.

For instance. I chose my t ten years ago because he revealed in a magazine article that his mother had died when he was young. This was important to me because I didn't want a blank slate, and because I needed him to say that my situation with my mother was worse than his, even tho his made me incredibly sad. So today I asked him, for the first time, why did that make me sad, if I truly thought I was worse off?

He lost the possibility that she would ever say good night to him again. I used to wait up (in bed) for my mother to come home from work, but she would never come in my room to say good night. I may as well have been in outer space. There was always the possibility but it never materialized. I'm always waiting for the possibility. It's killing me. Waiting on the sidelines.

I'm sorry to hear this about your experience. I also had mother issues; still do. My mother didn't really want children so I don't know why she had 4 of us. She would just stay in bed all day, smoking, eating chocolate, and watching old movies. We were never touched, held, read to. We were all underweight, not properly fed or clothed. We were never taken to the doctor or dentist. I simply didn't exist, except that I was the oldest so learned to cook at 3 years old and diaper and take care of the little ones. My dad was literally absent, gone to sea in the Navy. And when back forgot our names, still doesn't know our birthdays or ages. He was a slow drinker who would burst into rages. And when he was around, it was like we were in boot camp.

My therapist has no experience of anything close to this. But knowing that he went through analysis himself, which all analysts have to do as part of their training, and having some of those issues brought to my attention just makes it clear to me that he is human and has gone through things too. We are so different, but knowing all about the difference has created a real bond because I see him for who he is, not my "use" of him. I think the more the relationship is made human and real, the better it works. That doesn't mean there aren't professional guidelines or that it is just any human relationship. It is therapy. It has never veered from being therapy. Well, only when we talk about theory and psychoanalysis, then he is being more like a mentor to me as a training therapist. But I still see that as part of the therapy. Often what I bring up is related to something inside of me. To talk about it in the language of psychology doesn't take away from that fact. It gives it more meaning and also helps me see that it is a problem that people have already observed, noted, and discussed. As long as I'm not using it as a distraction but using it to find a good way of talking about what the issues are, I actually think it is better than just going in blind, not knowing anything and expecting some sort of expertise from a magical healer. That to me is not therapy. The work has to be done by the client. You can be told any number of things and given great suggestions and advice, but if you aren't ready to incorporate it or take it in, then no possible good could come from that. Taking initiative on your own and doing self-analysis on your own makes therapy work much better than just going and hoping something happens.

thanks iota

i have mother issues too. my mother did the same things except all she did was drink and sleep besides working and would bring different men over every once and awhile. i dont remember anything sexual. her and a man would just sit and drink all night. my dad took care of me. my mom didnt hold me either. she used to give me beer as a toddler and child to make me stop crying.

my dad had no clue cause he worked 12-16 hour shifts everyday for years. and he had multiple jobs. so he was oblivious kinda. he had thoughts maybe. and i would try and tell him things my mom would say to me and do to me and that she was bringing over other men to the house at night. it wasnt until they divorced he believed me.

my mom would verbally abused me mostly and a few times physically harrass me to tears. she told me i was supposed to be an abortion. and when i was 9 she said her and my dad were going to leave homeless on the street. so for a few years i hated my dad and i shouldnt have cause i found out he never said that.