Gifts between client and therapist

I thought of this because of another thread - but in that thread the issue was a seemingly inconsistent policy.

I'm wondering what people's experiences are with (physical, tangible) gifts between therapists and clients.

I remember once (a couple decades ago) when terminating I wanted to give a modest gift (a book) to the therapist, in appreciation. He refused it and I was hurt that I couldn't express my appreciation. It felt wrong.

On the other hand, the therapist that did exchange (small) gifts with me - it felt very therapeutic, although I'm not positive. It was part of a package of fuzzy boundaries. But I'm not sure the gifts were the problem. They weren't remarkably personal.

What are people's experiences.

I have never wanted to give a therapist a present, and accepting something from the therapist would be weird for me. I go there, I talk, they do what ever they do, the agreed upon amount of time passes, I pay the agreed upon amount and I leave. And then I come back and do it again the next week.
I don't see why I would want to give them a present. I pay them and go back to them.
Having said that, all the ones I have seen have or do accept at least small sorts of presents.

I've given my therapist several gifts, from a gift bag of cookies from a European bakery, to several books by an author I like and have talked about, and that are set in Ireland. She had just visited Ireland... She didn't want to take the books but she did. Then a couple of months later it was the holidays and I gave her a gift card in an adorable little handbag holder. She loved the little handbag but felt the gift card was too much so she limited gifts to once a year and she gave me an extra session at no cost to me. I kind of knew I was overdoing it, so I wasn't hurt. Besides she didn't nix them altogether. I think she'd also prefer small and/or meaningful gifts. I hadn't given her a gift in a long time so maybe I was trying to catch up. lol

I kind of like that the boundary has been established.

I've never given a gift to my therapist and never have received one. I would have no clue as to what to get, and it would feel really awkward. Really awkward. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, though, if both parties agree.

I have given my T a few gifts over the years.

The first gift that I gave him was something that I made. Although it was a rather large gift he said that he would accept it because he knew why I was giving it to him and what the meaning of it was for me. He seemed to really like it and it has a very prominent place in his office.

The second gift was something very small that I brought back from a trip. Given that I was able to experience my first enjoyable family visit in memory, due in large part to the work that we had done together in T, I wanted to bring home a small souvenir to honor that growth.

Then, this past holiday season I gave him a small tea assortment as I know he is a tea drinker.

He has been very gracious about each of the gifts that I have given him. The small ones were no issue at all for him, and he has many small things around his office that I assume are gifts from other clients.

I've given my t various gifts over the years, mostly things I've made, and some books. She has always accepted them graciously. I've seen her wear some of the gifts (a scarf and a necklace) once or twice, which I'm imagining she does out of courtesy.

I also think gifts can be an imposition. If someone gives me a book, are they going to ask if I read it. Or poems that are just bad that I have to say something about, and so forth. I get the wanting to show something and that for some a gift is the way to do it (in general - not to therapist where I do not understand the urge at all), but I don't like getting presents usually. So in general, I tend not to want to make someone feel the way I do when they are thrust upon me. I don't usually do cards, cds, books etc even with my closest friends. It is not a usual thing for me with anyone - giving or receiving. I don't see the point. If someone says "I really like this cd" then I might ask if they want a copy and give it to them. But I almost always ask.

I like to give gifts and they have always been accepted without even a mention of it. My analysts work hard for me, accept calls that I don't pay for, so it's my way of showing them that I appreciate all the work they do.

I read some essays about gift-giving in a multicultural context. Therapist for instance working with certain populations have changed their strict no-gift policy to accommodate other cultural norms. An broad acceptance that people differ in their attitudes has loosen a great many therapist who were told during training not to accept gifts. Over time as people learn to develop their own methods, they relax about such strict rules.

It seems perfectly normal to want to give something to someone who is important to you. The only reason it was ever raised as an issue is in strict ethical terms about the monetary amount that the gift cost. That could be a potential problem, but simple things like a card or book or CD are normal human interactions that should be appreciated as such.

The first year I saw my T I made her a collage for her birthday. She hung it up on her wall, and it's still there, after 3 years. I sometimes bring her cookies that I've made for my family--I put some aside for her because I know she likes them! I gave her a small stuffed bear matching one I bought myself. It sits in her office where I can see it. So, I know she accepts gifts though I'd never get her anything expensive. I also gave her a poem I wrote.

She has given me a small heart for Valentine's Day (Earth tones, not red) that I know she gave to all her clients that year. She also wrote something for me on a piece of paper. When she went on a trip, she gave me a small metal token of some kind. I forgot what it said. She also let me record her doing a mindfulness/meditation tape about the beach.

I disagree. A gift is a gift. Once it's in the receiver's hands it is theirs to do whatever with and there is no obligation at all. It's about the giving, really.

In a perfect world there is no obligation. In the world we live in, there can be. Not always, but the potential is there. Just read through these forums and people are all over the board because someone they gave a gift to did or did not do something with the gift or around the gift.
And I agree it is about the giver not the receiver.
I don't care if people want to give gifts to a therapist. I am only explaining my experience with gifts in general and that it does not enter my thinking when dealing with a therapist to want to give them anything.

My typical standard is that homemade gifts are acceptable, and the best kind really. Whether that be food (cookies) or materials (cards, collages, paintings).
But I work with a lot of kids, and they will bring me things like candy, or small toy/trinkets and I don't decline, even though technically I am breaking agency policy by accepting.
I've also received several gifts upon a last session, but I give one as well.
I understand the intent and meaning behind giving gifts so it is hard for me to decline, because I too give my own T little presents. As long as it's not over the top.

My t and i give each other gifts like for our birthdays.
And since she is out of town for the past two years i send her care packages and gifts for the holidays. She loves getting presents.

I think it just mucks up already muddy waters. Gifts can make things weird.

I don't think it's appropriate. It's supposed to be a professional relationship. Nothing should blur that line.

I certainly know people who agree with you - both therapists and clients. I've experienced bad from exchanging (small) gifts, and bad from having a heartfelt token of appreciation rejected. I guess one of the things I'm struggling with is Do Gifts Blur the Line? and if so, why? how? or is it not th gift, but something else involved

I think gifts are all about the intent.

If someone gives gifts in an attempt to wield control in a relationship, then that's a problem, and it probably shows itself in other ways in the relationship.

Or if the gifts are offerred out of a sense of apology for existing, then that's a problem.

In either case, the T should refuse because to accept is to engage in behavior that is ultimately hurtful to the client.

But if the intent is to show appreciation, or to honor a significant achievement, I don't think they blur the lines. For a T to refuse a gift given from such intent I think creates a hurt. (Syra, I think it was terrible for your T to refuse a termination gift: that creates a hurtful last impression that I just don't see the point of.)

I brought my T a box lunch one day to celebrate the lifting of my depression such that I felt like cooking again.

And I gave him a small gift related to his hobby upon his retirement.

I don't really see giving holiday gifts, except perhaps some sort of food. But I don't give holiday gifts to other professionals in my life, either.

It's difficult for me to see many circumstances when it's appropriate for a T to give a client a gift. I can see sharing something significant in meaning to honor achievement, especially at the end of therapy.

I tend to see it in the same vein as teacher/student gifts. I often receive small gifts from students, especially from foreign students upon returning from their home countries, as it reflects both their cultural standards and appreciation. I would never refuse such gifts.

But it is very rare that I would give a gift to a student, unless that student became a friend after being my student.

thanks for the reply. the way you spelled out the different circumstances makes a lot of sense. yeah, it kind of hurt when the T refused. I understand, and I still like him. He could have handled it better. I like your noticing the possibility of gifts being part of efforts to control, orpleading to be liked. that makes sense. Hmmm. I'm thinking her (small) gifts to me get me to like her (although I already did, but deepening the connection in probably unhealthy ways). I'll have to thnk if I had any unconscious motives in my giving. I think it was just becoming something that was allowed/encouraged-at-least-initially to deepen the connection and it seemed within the parameters she set.

I've seen quite a few therapists, but only two individual ones for over a year and one group T for a similar period of time. I've also seen two dietitians for quite awhile. When I moved away from the first individual T and dietitian, I wrote them each a note in one of those blank cards and included a photograph I had taken (I was really into photography).

When I recently moved away from the newer individual T and dietitian, I also wrote them heartfelt notes of thanks and gave them each something from a specific art I do (too unique to mention). The one for my individual T was more involved and specifically made for her. I gave something smaller to both the dietitian and also my group T who worked with them. I could've done without a gift for the group T, but she did help me tremendously and I would have felt bad giving a handmade gift to the other two and not her. And just the thank you note (which I was happy to write) without a gift (unlike for the other two) would have felt like even more of a jab, so I included a small piece of art I made because I had plenty of them.

The last individual T had prepared a goodbye note for me and included a magnet (with a message picked specifically for me) that she gave me at our last session. I was really surprised, but also very appreciative. I know we had a real bond and that she genuinely cared about me (she told me as much), so I'm glad she was able to show that as much as possible without crossing any boundaries. Speaking of boundaries, I mentioned a couple sessions early that I had something for her, and she immediately said she shouldn't accept gifts. I then reminded her of the small gift I have her before her maternity leave (same thing I ended up giving dietitian and group T) and she laughingly said, "Well, just not a car or anything..."

So I assume she generally does not accept gifts and feels like she shouldn't, but cards and whatnot are probably fine. I imagine my gift was okay since I made it myself. About her parting gift to me- I know we had a strong bond and that she wanted to encourage me on my journey but obviously did not want to cross any boundaries. She knows how much I'd love to be her friend, but I made it clear I understood why that wasn't possible so luckily I never had to hear her tell me that.

as a client, i believe in giving gifts to show appreciation of a job well done, if a job is not well done then no gift is given, if one is then a small gift i feel is ok.
as an advocate, i feel gifts are not necessary for i am only doing my job, the policy we have is that gifts of a value under £5 are ok, anything over this is not, but in every instance if asked we are instructed to advise clients that if they want to do anything then donate to a charity as they need the money more than we need a gift.
I tend to stick to gifts like unplanted crocuses with small vases (the things you grow so you can see the roots in the water), or candles or note books as i know they will be used. i tend not to go for jewelry or toiletries as everyone has their own preference and I know from experience that people working in the public sector get innundated with more chocolates than they can ever eat! (one year as head of a preschool i was given 29 gifts from the children at easter, and 26 of them were chocolates and i don't even eat chocolate!(they all went to a local hospital for cancer and child patients there)

My T started to refuse my termination gift (I think after she had an indication how much it cost) but then realized there was no point in refusing, it would not help me; we were at the end of therapy and would not see one another again. My gift was one-of-a-kind, very personal; I don't think I would have had the same problems if it had been a book or scarf (another consideration) or something less personal than it was and she had refused it; I would have been disappointed but not hurt.

I would have been hurt if she had continued to not take the giftthough I gave her , but I think, if I were honest, the reasons I would have been hurt would not have had as much to do with appreciation as with having picked out a certain present that I hoped would connect us after the termination. It had meaning to me so I could think of it and think of my T looking at it and keep the connection between us (something I had not been able to do when we had first terminated nearly 20 years earlier). I may have explained that to her, which also might have gone into why she took it (what she did with it I don't know; she was in the throes of downsizing and moving house, retiring, too).

I gave her the gift the week before our final session; I didn't want a maudlin session of goodbyes wanted it to be as normal as possible.

My husband taught me about taking gifts, whether I wanted them or not (from my stepmother, always pushing food on me when I left my parents home) and then to do what I wanted with them afterwards, when they were "mine". At work too, my boss taught me to "take the money" when a client had their own stupid ideas of what to do; do it their way, make them happy, take the money.