[LearningMe01]

I know I shouldn't be nervous, but I am. After our last session (two weeks ago) left me with a very unsettled feeling. I know she's going to want to talk about it, and I know I'm probably going to get all nervous and clam up again. (if you're curious about what happened, you can read the thread I posted right before this one titled "Would you apologize to your T?") I'm contemplating spilling my guts about my "Transference" (I really hate that term, it's like it invalidates your feelings) I'm pretty sure she's picked up on it. During our last session she asked "How would I know if you had something you realllly needed to tell me?" And when I asked "Do you think I have something I need to tell you?" she just looked at me and said "I don't know...do you?" at which point, I slipped in to defense mode and started acting a little "****-ish" She's a very intelligent person, not to mention she's trained to notice these things. It just makes me feel pathetic...I know it's common to "fall for" one's therapist, and that it's some sort of psychological phenomenon....to me though, they're just feelings that have been stirred up- very real feelings.

I dunno, I'm just nervous and really not "feeling this" today. ugh.

[southpole]

I don't know. Sounds like me too. Would be interested to know others' opinions. Have to deal with similar stuff tomorrow that I don't want to talk about but know I should. Spilling guts/defensive ... I understand it too well... Not very helpful, I know!

[wotchermuggle]

Well, of course the feelings are REAL. You're not a robot, right?

My therapist likes to say that it IS a real relationship. It's just a limited one though. What you're feeling is real. It's just that the REALITY of those feelings is that they cannot be acted upon in this type of situation.

[Raging Quiet]

How did your session go?

[LearningMe01]

Ahhh, that's right - I didn't update the post.

I updated on another post, so I'm just going to copy and paste it.

It went ok, she just seems a lot more formal now that she used to be with me. Still very nice and caring , but she doesn't seem the "same". I'm not exactly sure what's going on, I feel like maybe she got "too comfortable" and realized that she had to bring it back to a more professional level or something. I don't know, I still really like her, but I miss the way she "used to be."

Anyway though...here's how the session went (Copy and pasted from an update I made on another thread)



Hey gang. Well, I did it. Sorta. I decided that I didn't want to apologize for my feelings, because they are valid (no matter how "off" they are) and therapy is the place to show those feelings. I did however decide I wanted to speak to her about the way I acted and tell her exactly how I was feeling at the time (big step for me, I have major vulnerability/trust issues.) I started by saying "I'd like to retract some of the statements I made during our last session." She kinda laughed and said "ok". I said "First of all, I want to tell you that I admire you, and I have a great deal of respect for what you do here. I do not think you're a phony. I'm just dealing with some insecurities about therapy and the things I said were my defense mechanisms showing. I really felt like I acted like a n asshole. I know I'm not supposed to worry about hurting your feelings, or offending you - but that is BS to me. In any relationship (no matter how restricted it may be) I would be concerned if I felt like I was offending someone, or hurting their feelings in some way. I DO need you, and I promise to try a little harder to be more open and honest with you, after all...that is why I've been coming here for over a year. I'm not apologizing for my feelings, but I am apologizing for the way I expressed them, I really wasn't being fair." She didn't really say much. She wanted to know what I thought the worst part was, like which part made me think I was being an "asshole". And she just kinda shook her head and said "Ok." Later on she said "Obviously , those feelings were important, because we've talked about it more than once" I said "Yes, I do think it was important we discussed it (again) but I do not think I needed to word some of the things the way I did." And again, she just sorta shook her head and looked at me. I dunno, I'm glad I got it off my chest. I feel better, sorta. I spent the entire drive home from therapy in tears...but that will be a whole other thread.