Would You Forgive

Sometimes it's hard to forgive but you can't feel okay if you can't forgive

Well, I'm not sure what the ex T did and how long it's been or where you are in processing it. In my mind anger is a correct and honest reaction to being wronged. Now, staying angry for life will not be to your benefit of course, but being angry when wronged none the less is important and necessary. You cant "just forgive" like people try to tell us to do.

Forgiveness is a process, and IMO it's a process of understanding/having compassion for the person who wronged you, accepting what happened, and moving on from what happened. Once you've processed your anger, which can take different times for different people/wrongs, then you can start to try to forgive.

I personally don't believe in the concept of forgiveness.

Nor do I feel it is a necessary part of the healing process.

Some things are simply unforgivable and I will not be forced to pardon the unpardonable.

However, with that being said, it is necessary for us to eventually reach points of acceptance so we can continue to move through life as unencumbered as possible.

You, and you alone, will know when that time has come.

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

I just wanted to say that forgiving is more for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting.

Forgiving is choosing not to let yourself to be continually hurting over something that happened because of someone else.

It helps to unlock yourself from that person and move forward in a new direction.

It doesn't mean they deserve the forgiveness or that you have to forget. No one forgets, but you can choose to focus on other things to the point where you think less about what happened and more about where you're going now.

For me, I decided that I wasn't going to let one person have that much control over my life, in regards to the hurt and anger I felt. I chose to let go because holding onto that hurt is a lot harder than letting it go. That might sound backwards, I realize, but it is true.

I don't think anyone "needs" to forgive anyone anything and I don't think not forgiving is somehow unhealthy or pathological.

I know for me, I really struggled with the forgiveness factor for a long time.

I consider myself to be a religious person and growing up Christian, it was always taught that a person needed to forgive in order to be forgiven, 7 times 70 times. I will always remember that number.

But the problem with that, is that we are only human. We can only do so much with the hurt that we have. So when I really stopped and looked at this, I brought it up in therapy knowing that my T was Christian. She was never afraid to talk with me about religion and I loved that about her. I said to her that I didn't know how to forgive the person that hurt me. That the hurt was so irreversible and did so much that I just couldn't see how forgiving that person, was going to do anything for me. And that I felt really guilty that I couldn't forgive this person because my religion was saying that I had to.

She put it into perspective for me in a way that alleviated so much suffering for me.

She told me that sometimes people do things that are unforgivable, or at least feel unforgivable to us. And rightfully so because sometimes some infractions are just too big. They're just too "bad". At that point, you have to give it to God and let it be between the person and their "maker". Basically, that some violations are too great that we have to let someone else do the forgiving. Big trespasses require big forgiveness. And that it could only come from God.

That made so much sense to me. I didn't feel like I was capable of forgiving the person who hurt me. I still don't think I am. I just don't have it in me. Because what that person did to me, was horrific and indescribable. I gave it to God.

I know that this may not resonate with someone who isn't religious or spiritual, but I just wanted to share what helped me. It alleviated so much suffering for me.

Like others have said, you need to grieve. It would be incredibly hard to forgive this T in the midst of ongoing court issues. The problem is very much still in your face, front and center. I think it would be wrong of anyone to expect that you forgive your T right now. Maybe someday, but not right now.

This is what Lewis B Smedes is all about. Forgiveness is more fore us that the hurter. I couldn't wrap my head around the concept, but I know others can.