Couch 47.0 (we finally debugged)

Morning couch. I just am popping in before I need to make my lunch and leave for work. Slow night on the couch last night, I barely had any catching up to do.

18 more days of school. Where did the time go? I'll miss some of the 8th graders who are moving on to high school. It's been a good year.

Well, just checking in. Need to go make my lunch and pet my kitties for a bit before leaving for work. I'll hop back in when I get home.

Morning peeps.

((((LOLA)))) I hate that you are going thru this. PM me if I can do anything. Much love sista.

MKAC - there are great medications available for immune disorders. My daughter does amazingly well. They are catching your daughter early, and it may take a while to adjust meds and dosages, but she will get better. She will. The hardest part is waiting for the official dx, they have to rule a lot of stuff out, and it seems like it takes forever. Once they have her figured out, they are quick to treat flare ups. You and she will become experts of her illness. There are so many groups on line that you will find. The hardest part of it all is that people don't "see" how sick they are. Please feel free to pm me and ask me anything. Even though auto immune diseases are all different, they all are similar.

Today I am irritable, again. I need to take the car in for service. I am really pissed off at something my narcissistic mother did over the weekend. Grrrr. (so what else is new).

((( MKAC )))

I can certainly understand the worry! It's hard to take in other people's feedback when it's coming from their limited perspective and experience. I hope you're able to expand that view to take in some positive perspectives, so as to have a more rounded experience. It's still nerve-wracking and scary, no doubt about it.

Wiki - Sorry to hear that you're irritable. Do you want to talk about it? I'm willing to listen!

Thanks MUE....I need to run, but maybe I'll share a bit later.

morning all... I spoke to the Vice President and he said they need me.... so i still have a job-not sure about title and pay and where I am to live....but i have a job... LOL

on another note, W had an aunt pass, funerals tomorrow at home....should I go to be there for W or no? Her mother will be there.

That's great, Lola, that you still have a job....that's at least one thing that you won't have to worry about at the moment.

How do you feel about the idea of attending or not attending the funeral?

to be honest MUE... .I just dont know, he mother and father know all and It could turn into a huge lecture or they could give me the old shoulder..... Last night was so so hard for me and I felt so alone... I am now ya know... no W OR Kids or Grands or Family...... Just me.... I thought about it last Monday-when I got myself into a little trouble. I could disappear and no one would know... sad, just sad.

I can very much relate to the idea of being alone...That was one thing that I struggled with when deciding to divorce my husband. As much as I tried to understand that by leaving, it was giving me the freedom to create what I want and need in that space of being alone, it was still incredibly scary and painful to consider the losses.

I would think that an important thing to consider is what YOU want and what YOU feel rather than how you believe others will react. That's their stuff. Sure, it does make an impact, but you won't truly know how others will react.

Maybe you can ask yourself a series of questions....Like....

If I go/don't go, how will I feel? Will I regret that decision? What is affecting my feelings? Are these my true feelings, or just a reaction to how others are treating me?

Those are some serious questions....

No matter what happens, I'll at like its ok, because that's how I roll.... underneath, I'll be devastated and not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing

It seems like there's a big disconnect between what you're truly feeling and what you're showing to others. That's an important thing that I hope you can find a way to work through.

For me, sometimes it feels just way too vulnerable to allow myself to express my feelings. Risking rejection, humiliation, being the target of one's anger or distaste. Not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting others to feel badly, etc. SO much to consider. I never felt as though I had "permission" to have feelings, and that carried on into my adulthood.

What feels devastating in this instance?

Gotta run to my mom's dr's appt....Will check back in when I get home.

Hang in there, Lola. (( HUGS ))

i would notice big time lola and i am sure others IRL would also. i know that fear of being alone .i stayed with my ex for about three years knowing that i didnt love him and that he didnt love me .but i was so scared to be alone. i know that you love your kids and grands lola and i am sure they have felt much love frome you as they grew up.dont sell that love short. you may be having trouble with your wife .you may even decide a sepeeration would be a good thing but your kisd have minds of there own and i wouldnt right them off along with your wife. i would be that relationship is going to always be there .you are always going to be chief. and not alone . but it would be differnt . living alone has got to be lonely that is a completely differnt thing then being alone.

LC - I know this is hard, but remember the times you were questioning the relationship with w, that you considered leaving and that you were also expressing that you were very unhappy. I am not saying this is not hard. It is. And it is a loss whether you are leaver or leavee. Plus the family thing - although it is not necessarily that you cannot have a relationship with the adult children and grandchildren. I am not saying this to be harsh, and I hope it does not come off this way. This could be an opportunity for you to actually decide for yourself what you want and how to take charge of and CARE of YOURSELF. (I know that is strong - but I mean it). Make friends who will care about you. Find a lover you are not co-dependent with (I am not saying you were - I am saying it is possible to do for the first time or again - whichever fits). Take the time to grieve both the reality and the letting go of the fantasy over this relationship - that is important. But this is also a chance for you to make decisions for yourself and what is in your own best interest based upon what you want.

Thanks Granite, I appreciate it.... I would like to think they would still talk to me...

I just want to hide for several days.... just hide out, ya know

Lola, please take care of yourself.

Wikid, if you want to talk about it, we're here.

This is the issue... whenever I have been faced with this kind of turmoil in my life...add the job into the mix... I self destruct... I am trying to hold on to any ounce of sanity.

*** The difference being, I am aware of this...***** I'm ok.....just lost in the woods, good thing its a sunny day

MKAC how are you holding up?

i do know what it is to want to hide for days . sometimes that can be a good thing to regroup as long as you are not isolating yourself.

i think what stop is saying makes a lot of sense. it is hard either way. it has got to be. but are you happy in this relationship. or just so scared to be alone you will do whatever you can to be in it . it can be terrifying if you are scared to be alone .that can make it feel almost imposable to do .like you couldn't survive . but you can .you are an awesome person you would make friends ,you would still have your family,etc.. even if at this point that is hard to believe.lets not even get into the personal feelings of how pathetic i would feel because i truly believed that i couldn't do it without my ex.

i don't know if you are feeling any of these things at all.just going on my experiences .if not i am sorry and just tell me i have no idea and shut up i promise i will and take no offense at all .i love you bunches and don't want you to sell yourself short and know i am here no matter what you decide or happens OK. ((((hugs))))

MKAC how is your daughter feeling ???are you home now

Well you're not gonna self destruct this time - you got your pc team to help ya do it

(Lola) maybe talking with T would help? I know that for me having my T to sort things out with really helped keep me from self destructing.

I'm scared...... I will lose my longest and dearest friend as well, its hard.

you may be correct... we have been chatting via email... i talked to him on Wednesday last week.

what makes you afraid of this?? is it a friend of your wifes??