[TheRealFDeal]

The last time I posted I said I was expecting a new list of Ts to call from my xT. I had sent him a list of all the male T's on my insurance provider list. I got that list, called all 5 of the ones he marked as "good" or better. Only one called me back. This is the way it goes.

I saw that T yesterday. He seemed OK. Before I told him anything, I asked him to tell me how he works. Basically he says he runs the gamut from doing very strict DBT to very loose just talk therapy. I asked him what his schedule was, and he didn't give me a set schedule, just said he starts really early on Monday and it basically get shorter from there until Fridays, when he says he finds other things to do.

I was really scared, and a mess. He asked me if I was as scared as I looked. So I explained that therapy and therapists pretty much = trauma to me by now. That he was T#9. He was unfazed and said I was "courageous" for continuing to try. Pffff. Whatev, T. Just can't believe anything they say now. I was very vague about everything I said. That last T had betrayed and then abandoned me (thought I heard a sound emit from him, but I wasn't looking) and I would not tell him who because if I continued with him, I would be needing to trash on xT and didn't want to take the chance that he knew him.

So long story short, I didn't feel the connection that I was hoping for (that elusive gut-feel) but I thought when I left that he could work. I will go back next week and see how it goes. I really don't have any other option except to give up. I could, I guess, work on the females on the insurance provider list, but I really, really don't want a female and I don't know why I feel so strongly about it. Even though I had a female T for 9 years and was attached to her, I just feel differently now, like they're colder. I don't know how that's possible, but that's all I can come up with now.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I am glad you found a T Keep us posted on how it goes! Take care!

[content30]

Well, you def have more experience than me, but I will say this:

1. I have had three Ts, and all are female. The first two were a little cold, but my current T is warm.
2. My best friend found my current T through Internet research. Yes, I know that it is said to have a trusted person or physician refer you, but, for whatever reason, I found an awesome T...well my friend found her for me...without a referral. So, it can be done!

In other words, I guess I'm trying to say that this one guy isn't your last and one-and-only hope! Sure, you may have to go about it in another way, but there are many Ts out there! Also, the first two Ts I saw took insurance. My current T does not but does offer a sliding scale....

I hope this guy works out or that you can find a T that is a good match and a great T!

[stopdog]

Good luck with it. I hope you get a stronger good vibe from him at the next appointment.

[TheRealFDeal]

Thanks for the good wishes. Here is a list of questions I have developed for the next session (in no particular order):

When are you planning to retire? (I'd put his age around 60 - I don't want him to quit me before I quit him)
What goes through your mind when I tell you that I was betrayed and then abandoned by my previous T?
What would make you consider terminating me?
What was your previous career? (He got his PhD in 1989, so he was doing something else before that)
How often do you take time off?
Have you ever called the police on a client? Without them knowing beforehand?
Do you have a good professional support network? (not that he'll say no) How do you use it? (I just want to have a brief conversation about how it works -- I think it's important that T has one and uses it)

Appreciate your comments / suggestions / additions for session #2 with T#9.

[Syra]

When are you planning to retire? (I'd put his age around 60 - I don't want him to quit me before I quit him)

Good idea. I had a T quit on me once and I was astounded. Actually I was getting discouraged with him (only been with him about 4 months) so it was an easy way out. But I also learned, I'd ask how long they were staying put next time.

What goes through your mind when I tell you that I was betrayed and then abandoned by my previous T?

I love it so much I'm going to ask my T that same question (even though every time I've brought up the issue he has responded beautifully. But I've never asked it that way. It's so direct.

What would make you consider terminating me?

another great question I'm going to ask, even though I have no sense my new T is ready to terminate, or in any way blames me for what happened iwth former T or is afraid of me. But hte issue is in the back of my mind.

How often do you take time off?

This is really a great list. I'm going to save it. THis hasn't been a problem, but I sure wish I had asked this quesiton.

Do you have a good professional support network? (not that he'll say no) How do you use it? (I just want to have a brief conversation about how it works -- I think it's important that T has one and uses it)

I'm realizing how much luck I've had in my new T after the prior disaster. I didn't think to ask this, but I know he has regular supervision, as well as his own regular peer therapy. Once I learned that I decided that would be a question I would ask for now on.

Appreciate your comments / suggestions / additions for session #2 with T#9.

I think that's a great set of questions.
Other things I think of in the spirit of brainstorming

1. How have you handled it when you got angry/frustrated with a client?

2. How do you handle terminations 1) if hte client initiates it, 2) if you feel the need to initiate it?

3. Did you already ask about boundaries re: touch, emails, ?

[CantExplain]

I'm interviewing a new T tomorrow.

[TheRealFDeal]

Good additions. Thanks, Syra

[sittingatwatersedge]

woo, this one is bound to generate a lot of discussion with someone who doesn't know you at all .... Have you ever called the police on a client? Without them knowing beforehand?



I wish you the best of luck with yr search

[CantExplain]

I made a long list of questions, but I didn't want to overwhelm him in the first session, so I only asked a few:

· What is your cancellation policy?
· What structure do you bring to therapy?
· Will you teach me skills?
· How do you handle a persistent power struggle with a patient?
· What should I do with the intense feelings I get between sessions?

[TheRealFDeal]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

woo, this one is bound to generate a lot of discussion with someone who doesn't know you at all .... Have you ever called the police on a client? Without them knowing beforehand?

Well, yes, it did. And before hearing my story, he said he would not. That it would be very clear what situation we were in and there would be a lot of discussion before he would call the police. He said he had reported a client before, but never without them knowing full well that he was going to do it.

Then I told him the Reader's Digest version of how xT betrayed and then terminated me. When I got to the part of the police coming to my workplace, I heard him quietly exclaim, "Jesus!"

[ECHOES]

I admire your determination to find a T that is good for you. That said, I could never feel a connection right away, especially because fears really get in the way of allowing that to happen. It takes time - time to be face to face with a person to learn that they are trustworthy. We don't trust and open up right off the bat.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

Well, yes, it did. And before hearing my story, he said he would not. That it would be very clear what situation we were in and there would be a lot of discussion before he would call the police. He said he had reported a client before, but never without them knowing full well that he was going to do it.

Then I told him the Reader's Digest version of how xT betrayed and then terminated me. When I got to the part of the police coming to my workplace, I heard him quietly exclaim, "Jesus!"

I once had to report (because of professional obligations) a parent for child abuse. My supervisor agreed I had to report AND that I had to tell him what I was doing. I agreed with her but was very scared. I was a young professional. I told him the behaviors that required I report, how that fit with my obligations, and how much I cared about his daugther and my desire to support. It really did change the whole tenor of the thing. There's a lot I don't know (because social services couldn't tell) but I know he later took my class.