[ultramar]

This is the title of a really interesting piece that came up on PC today.

Is It Better To Remember...Or Forget? | Therapy Soup

It's interesting, because it is contrary -in some ways I think- to generally accepted notions about working with painful memories in therapy. It certainly made me see things from a different and new point of view.

What do you guys think?

I have years of my life that I can not remember. I find it incredibly frustrating.

[wadingthruemotions]

For a long time there were periods of time or series of events that I could not remember, more than that really, didn't even know they were there.

They are all there now, recently came to light in my mind. I wish they never had. Seriously, some things should not come back to you at all, doesn't make things easier now, only harder.

[stopdog]

The thing I find frustrating is not knowing what is true about what I do remember - what is remembered accurately versus faulty.

[ultramar]

Here's the article in full (the bolded part was that way in the original):

What if you had a photographic memory? It sounds pretty amazing.

But what if your memory went way beyond photographic, and you could literally remember every single day of your life?

What you ate for breakfast April 25th, 2011… What day of the week was it on April 25th, 2004 and what you did that day… What the headline news was on April 25th, 2002…

There are, according to scientists, at least 20 people with hyperthymesia. Individuals with this rare ability are able to recall, without effort, what happened on any given date, assuming that the events had some significance to them.

But it’s not always helpful to have super-human memory.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov (1772-1810) said: People think of forgetting as a problem, but I see it as a great gift.

The Rebbe, who is sometimes called the Doctor of the Soul, said that (troubling) memories interfere in both our material and spiritual paths in life.

In contradistinction from modern psychology, which generally posits that intrusive memories cannot be forgotten, the Rebbe stressed the need to actually work on forgetting painful, shameful, or embarrassing memories, especially those which lead us to feel badly about ourselves.

While it’s true that there’s a benefit to the way in which psychotherapy often asks us to examine these kinds of memories, we believe that both therapist and patient have to be aware that dealing with painful memories should be a judicious combination of depth and a light touch. After processing and resolving memories like this, they should be explored only to the extent necessary as to how they relate to the present, if at all.

We can do this by working on lovingly detaching from the emotional imprint or response a painful memory creates. Breathing techniques and meditation, biofeedback, and prayer, can assist in helping to deescalate painful emotions associated with memories.

Nobody can resolve every issue in their past and present. We have to be cautious about working on issues that are having a direct, unwanted impact on our lives. Memories that we can lay to rest, we should.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I think to work on forgetting painful memories is like asking someone to not visualize a white elephant. I do think that if someone chooses not to go in depth into their issues, that the issues will surface subconsciously somehow.

The lovingly detaching from the emotional imprint part sounds like mindfulness meditation, and I am all for this. I think that accepting who we are now, accepting all of our parts, and having our emotions validated can lead to a de-escalation of symptoms. This is what I have found.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The thing I find frustrating is not knowing what is true about what I do remember - what is remembered accurately versus faulty.

I don't know you really, but I would be greatly surprised if your memory were faulty about anything. I guess because I attribute my memory capabilities to you. I wrote down all my "events" in 1996 hoping to incorporate them into an autobiographical play. The last time I looked at the list, it was like reading something typed by a stranger. Writing it down had changed it somehow; taken it out of my head.

[feralkittymom]

I don't think it's possible or healthy to try to forget because the impact will surface in other ways. To come to a place of acceptance with a release of the associated negative emotions, especially as they play out in the present, is a good thing. But I do think there's no benefit to gratuitous remembering.

I remember a time when I was very upset as memories surfaced that there were still great swaths of time from my past that I didn't remember. I felt like how could I know who I was if my memory was incomplete? My T convinced me that who I was wouldn't be changed by more quantity of memory. That to view myself as incomplete was faulty thinking that would keep me stuck and miserable in my life.

In the years since therapy, I have recovered a few more memories spontaneously. I don't generally feel upset by them: they just take their place as part of the totality of my experience.

Stopdog-- I had some doubts about the accuracy of remembered events, too. Again, my T said that no memory is objectively "true"; we all reconstitute memories, good and bad, a little differently each time the brain calls them forth and re-files them. But that the objective truth isn't very meaningful: what matters is how the memories and their feelings influence us now, and the purpose they serve for us in the present.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I have years of my life that I can not remember. I find it incredibly frustrating.

Originally Posted by stopdog

The thing I find frustrating is not knowing what is true about what I do remember - what is remembered accurately versus faulty.

All of the above and it irritates the hell out of me.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't think you can forget - because some part of you (your unconscious, your body) still knows and remembers. I have forgotten a lot of things, but some part of me knows and they've been leaking out of me in all sorts of ways.

So I think 'forgetting' is the wrong word here. Releasing might be a better one. My T says he wishes I could let out some of the pain I'm carrying so I can feel lighter instead of keeping it inside, but it's SO HARD.

"While it’s true that there’s a benefit to the way in which psychotherapy often asks us to examine these kinds of memories, we believe that both therapist and patient have to be aware that dealing with painful memories should be a judicious combination of depth and a light touch. After processing and resolving memories like this, they should be explored only to the extent necessary as to how they relate to the present, if at all."

The bolded part is very much my T's approach to traumatic memories. We've done some very difficult work with memories, but once we have, we really only go back to them as needed if they relate somehow to the present. This has allowed me to do with those traumatic memories the same thing I do with any memory, put back there in a file in my head so I can refer to it if needed, but the memories no longer pound on me and jerk me around like they used to. It is a very healing approach.