I sent her an email saying I have no sex drive lately and for a long time, t said my body is telling me something. She said we need to talk about this but I can't talk about this with her and I never have. I really don't want to talk about how I feel about myself to t because she is beautiful and has perfect body but not only that I feel horrible about myself and have never had any confidence so sex is a nightmare for me. My new gf wants it all the time and I feel bad for not wanting it, she takes it personally. I suppose I need to talk about it but I cant

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I really don't want to talk about how I feel about myself to t because she is beautiful and has perfect body but not only that I feel horrible about myself and have never had any confidence so sex is a nightmare for me.

((MonaLisa))

If you can learn to talk about it in a safe environment, that will give you confidence and your sex life will improve.

[Anne2.0]

It is a tough topic to deal with in therapy, but I found it very helpful to me in all kinds of ways to figure out what was going on with me (and I still haven't figured it out, it comes in waves). I've done two things-- 1) dealt with various aversive/avoidant triggers that were leftover responses from abuse, in unlinking certain activities and automatic responses so I could figure out what I enjoyed; and 2) talked more generally about my feelings/beliefs/expectations around sex and certain interactions with my H. I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but maybe if you identified your goals or what you wanted to get out of "talking about it", it might be less big and scary. Also, I see the way you feel about your body or yourself as a sexual person a part of this discussion. Body issues have never been big on my radar, I suspect because the other stuff has been so primary and I've done lots of bodywork that has worked on that stuff.

But not feeling sexual desire or having no drive can also be a side effect of depression and it is certainly common with those who have a CSA history. There was a time when this was true for me, and it was worth the work to have my lusty/sexy/sensual self back. It makes me feel like a more whole and healthy person.

About partners--- I'm not sure if your new GF is the same one who has issues with jealousy and anger that you've posted before here-- but a loving partner doesn't take a polite "not now honey" as a personal put-down. Differences in drive are often present in couples, and no one should have to feel like they need to provide sex at a certain level just to please their partners. It may be that it's worth looking at whether your desire is linked to your satisfaction in this relationship.

[struggling2]

i need to "go there" with T about this too. uncomfortable but necessary. good luck!

[rainbow8]

I understand that it's hard to talk about sex and body image stuff with your T. My T is skinny and I'm the opposite. I get embarrassed all the time but I talk about it anyway.

Have you asked your T for help in talking about it? If you tell her you can't, in the session, she can make it easier for you. Ts have heard all of this before, so it's like talking about the weather for THEM, but not for US. I know it's hard to start, but once you do it will be okay. I think there was another thread recently about the same issue. One way is to just "jump in". Say it even if you think you can't. Once I wanted to tell my T a sentence and I started it about 10 times before I could finish it. But I did, and then I felt better.

[Solepa]

I wonder if you can work on problems in this area while not really talking about how they were created. Just try to fix the consequences without going into the causes? I really wish this would be possible. I wish you luck monalisa.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((MonaLisa)

If you can learn to talk about it in a safe environment, that will give you confidence and your sex life will improve.

Thank you CE, I hope you are right

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

It is a tough topic to deal with in therapy, but I found it very helpful to me in all kinds of ways to figure out what was going on with me (and I still haven't figured it out, it comes in waves). I've done two things-- 1) dealt with various aversive/avoidant triggers that were leftover responses from abuse, in unlinking certain activities and automatic responses so I could figure out what I enjoyed; and 2) talked more generally about my feelings/beliefs/expectations around sex and certain interactions with my H. I don't know if this would be helpful to you, but maybe if you identified your goals or what you wanted to get out of "talking about it", it might be less big and scary. Also, I see the way you feel about your body or yourself as a sexual person a part of this discussion. Body issues have never been big on my radar, I suspect because the other stuff has been so primary and I've done lots of bodywork that has worked on that stuff.

But not feeling sexual desire or having no drive can also be a side effect of depression and it is certainly common with those who have a CSA history. There was a time when this was true for me, and it was worth the work to have my lusty/sexy/sensual self back. It makes me feel like a more whole and healthy person.

About partners--- I'm not sure if your new GF is the same one who has issues with jealousy and anger that you've posted before here-- but a loving partner doesn't take a polite "not now honey" as a personal put-down. Differences in drive are often present in couples, and no one should have to feel like they need to provide sex at a certain level just to please their partners. It may be that it's worth looking at whether your desire is linked to your satisfaction in this relationship.

Thank you so much for that Anne,
This is the same gf I have posted about, she expects sex anytime we sleep over and I just can't do it. Maybe its because she is so angry and controlling that my body is telling me no- don't go there again with another woman like this, so it is definately linked to my satisfaction in this relationship. There is no doubt about it. My last relationship my girlfriend didn't or couldnt have sex, so I don't know what to think about it. My new gf, is angry and hostile and won't take no for an answer, she keeps touching me when I say no and now I just go along with it even though I feel nothing and I feel so dirty ack...
Part of the problem for me is that I don't think of myself as a person or male or female and especially not sexy. If any one ever compliments me or looks at me I panic. I feel so bad about myself that I wont let anyone else near me. I want to be sexy but it is just not me. Also I attract lots of men and this causes trouble with my gf. I don't do anything to attract this men but then she gets jealous, angry, abusive .....
I think a part of me died in my last relationship, the sex part because I wanted to touch my ex so much but she would never let me so I ended up feeling so bad about myself that now I won't let anyone touch m e but I want to be loved so much but I am attracting all the wrong people.

Originally Posted by struggling2

i need to "go there" with T about this too. uncomfortable but necessary. good luck!

Good luck Struggling

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I understand that it's hard to talk about sex and body image stuff with your T. My T is skinny and I'm the opposite. I get embarrassed all the time but I talk about it anyway.

Have you asked your T for help in talking about it? If you tell her you can't, in the session, she can make it easier for you. Ts have heard all of this before, so it's like talking about the weather for THEM, but not for US. I know it's hard to start, but once you do it will be okay. I think there was another thread recently about the same issue. One way is to just "jump in". Say it even if you think you can't. Once I wanted to tell my T a sentence and I started it about 10 times before I could finish it. But I did, and then I felt better.

Thanks Rainbow
I have never asked t for help talking about it but she knows how difficult it is for me and I explained in the email how much I need to talk to someone about it because it is not normal. She said I was asexual becuase my body is trying to tell me about this abusive relatioinship. SOrry you had a hard time trying to say that sentance- somethings just don't want to come out

Originally Posted by Solepa

I wonder if you can work on problems in this area while not really talking about how they were created. Just try to fix the consequences without going into the causes? I really wish this would be possible. I wish you luck monalisa.

Thats worth a try Solepa, I will think about this now and try work something out, thank you

[ultramar]

There are other issues mixed in, from what you describe, but this sounds like more of a relationship issue than a sexual issue.

If you continue to put up with this nightmare's behavior, I doubt the sexual issue will resolve. So I'd say that, if you want sexual desire and good sex, dump the girl, and you not only potentially reap those benefits, but many more besides!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

My new gf, is angry and hostile and won't take no for an answer, she keeps touching me when I say no and now I just go along with it even though I feel nothing and I feel so dirty ack.

Ouch! That's not good. If a man behaved like this, there would be howls of outrage across the forum. And rightly so.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

she keeps touching me when I say no and now I just go along with it even though I feel nothing and I feel so dirty ack...

Touching you without your consent is sexual abuse, whether she's your GF or not. Doing that is disrespectful and demeaning. Please consider the possibility that you could stand up for yourself and tell her that you definitely do not want to be touched. Engaging in sex when you don't want to is soul-crushing.

I don't know if I would give her the benefit of the doubt, but people who care about their partners and don't want to retraumatize them are careful about their touching. My H can be really dense in some ways about respecting my space, but he is incredibly respectful about respecting my bodily integrity. He stops immediately if I say no and apologizes for misreading signals or what not. He would never want me to do something that I didn't want to do, and he would never want to hurt me. You deserve someone who treats you like YOU matter and you are not just a tool to get them off.

[Solepa]

Originally Posted by Solepa

I wonder if you can work on problems in this area while not really talking about how they were created. Just try to fix the consequences without going into the causes? I really wish this would be possible. I wish you luck monalisa.

Hi monalisa I think I projected my wish to this answer too much . I ment it more in general way like I wonder if people can work on problems......
I wish I would not have to deal with my causes. I don´t really know if therapy and healing would be successful without getting to the bottom of things. So I don´t think you should take my advice and apply it to your situation. It was more like a sigh from my frustration so sorry about that.
Have a nice day and take care of yourself.

Originally Posted by ultramar

There are other issues mixed in, from what you describe, but this sounds like more of a relationship issue than a sexual issue.

If you continue to put up with this nightmare's behavior, I doubt the sexual issue will resolve. So I'd say that, if you want sexual desire and good sex, dump the girl, and you not only potentially reap those benefits, but many more besides!

Lots of more issues going on Ultramar, I wish things were easier but I keep getting these kind of relationships. I have to break to cycle this time.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Ouch! That's not good. If a man behaved like this, there would be howls of outrage across the forum. And rightly so.

CE, You are exactly right, and my t has said that too. She also said I should go and report this abuse but sometimes I think she overreacts to things like that and encourages me to report incidents to the cops.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Touching you without your consent is sexual abuse, whether she's your GF or not. Doing that is disrespectful and demeaning. Please consider the possibility that you could stand up for yourself and tell her that you definitely do not want to be touched. Engaging in sex when you don't want to is soul-crushing.

I don't know if I would give her the benefit of the doubt, but people who care about their partners and don't want to retraumatize them are careful about their touching. My H can be really dense in some ways about respecting my space, but he is incredibly respectful about respecting my bodily integrity. He stops immediately if I say no and apologizes for misreading signals or what not. He would never want me to do something that I didn't want to do, and he would never want to hurt me. You deserve someone who treats you like YOU matter and you are not just a tool to get them off.

I feel obliged to have sex with her sometimes because I know she wants it, I dont. I asked her not to touch me but she had drank a lot and took sleeoing tablets and anti depressants, next day she didn't know she had done it.
I wonder why I don't think this is abuse. Is there something wrong with me?
Sometimes I feel so bad about myself that I want to just crawl into a hole and never come out.

Originally Posted by Solepa

Hi monalisa I think I projected my wish to this answer too much . I ment it more in general way like I wonder if people can work on problems......
I wish I would not have to deal with my causes. I don´t really know if therapy and healing would be successful without getting to the bottom of things. So I don´t think you should take my advice and apply it to your situation. It was more like a sigh from my frustration so sorry about that.
Have a nice day and take care of yourself.

No problem Solepa, many thanks for the advice. Maybe you did project your wish but it was good of you to realise this and admit it, it did no harm and I appreciated your advice and input

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

...she had drank a lot and took sleeping tablets...

You're not supposed to mix those.
She sounds unhappy.