[granite1]

hi my pc peeps ,i know i have been beating this issue to death a lot .the problem is i have been sitting on it for three weeks,and i am going to see my T in 2 days and the closer it gets the more freaked out i get. i feel i need to be able to figure all this out or just cash it all in and walk away for good.
after i freaked out big time in T about a month ago my T has been trying to figure out ways to help me feel safe and be able to talk easier to her.i had told her about the fact that i had been brought to this place as a child for family T when i was young. i didn't remember how young.i thought it was 3rd grade .anyway i told her that i didn't remember much about the T sessions but the mother said that the T told her to do the horrible things she did to me ,to help with my behavior. i think i have talked before about how she use to sit me in a chair and have the family laugh at me, call me names, and make fun of me for hours at a time.it was horrible and the stuff she said was horrible.(i wont go into that) this went on for a very long time ,or at least it seemed to,anyway.
my T had talked about getting my records from when i was there before but had decided she wanted to look into it sooner then later. she asked for my maiden name and asked if it was OK for her to look it up.i said i didn't care and gave her the name. we talked a little about school and how i hated it and about how i didn't like talking to the people there. she asked if any one had come to the house from school or if the mother had ever gone to the school. i said no and she thought if things were so bad it was strange. i was thinking i just didn't remember then .but i was hearing doubt in my T voice and seeing it in her manner.i hate that,i feel that she doesn't believe me at all.that always eventually happens when it comes to the mother. when i got home i remembered that the mother had some of my report cards saved and i thought it might say something about how things were. i found my report cards from 1st grade to 6th grade. when i found those it completely threw my world into a spin and i have been keeping it under control for weeks and don't know what to do or how to deal.i think i will start with sharing some of what the teachers wrote in one of them that devastated me.....

TEACHER...
Granite does a nice job in her reading book- in her other subjects she needs to pay more attention to her own work- and not everyones else. She makes many mistakes- partly do to carelessness and not following directions. also she must remember to return her homework. with more effort I'm sure Granite can improve her work.

this one was not so bad but this was the mothers response from the mother

Feel free to keep granite in at recess to correct careless work. ask Granite to repeat instructions to keep her on her toes. if she does not know them criticize her publicly. this has helped her nature at home. i appreciate what you have done in the past.

the mother was referring to when she would sit me in that chair and humiliate me for hours .and also beat me when doing my homework.but this was the teachers response to the mother.

Granite needs improvement in most areas- her oral reading and silent reading can be good when she puts her mind to it..most of her written work is carelessly done-and many times incomplete-she loves to talk and look around- frequently her conduct leaves much to be desired.her main problem is to settle down and think which she is very capable of doing- thank you for the help you have given her at home--i feels this helps a great deal.

i had so many reactions to reading this on so many emotional levels.

the first thought was horror that this teacher was thanking the mother for what she was doing to me at home and how she sees that it was helping me. . i swear this was how i learned that talking to anyone or expressing anything was bad but i thought i never talked. that it was just who i was. but i did talk

the second was,OMG i did talk and it was way to much and i got in trouble for this ,i was misbehaved quite badly and the teacher hated me. this is not how i remembered it. i remember hating everyone at school ,and yes if they tried to interact with me i was horribly mean and maybe even violent. but i don't remember just talking to the other kids at all. or acting out until way later in school.

the third was,as i read all this it seemed to me she was writing about an older child, BUT in fact i was only in SECOND GRADE when this was all happening. i was so so young. how could i be so horrible.

the fourth was, wow i was looking at proof that the mother was doing and saying horrible things to me at home .i was not making it up,i was not imagining it at all. but at the same time i was horrified to see that she had reason to treat me the way she was. i was a horrible child. the teacher proves that also. i didn't listen ,i was hyper,mean, unwilling to work.and had horrible conduct.i was a bad kid.no wonder the mother did what she did. anyway...this is ware i am at now.

after reading these report cards i am sure that the records the T wants to read with me are just an extension of these report cards. i don't want her to read about how horrible i was. i am terrified it will turn her against me. just like anything that has to do with the mother. she will see that at one point i did talk and i was a horrible kid. she will not believe me that the mother has abusive . even i can see that now there are two parts to this and that i was not Innocent at all. it was nice to have my T support me unconditionally .and if i let this go on i know that will come to an end .she will never believe me. my T will change. this has happened in the past as soon as anything regarding the mother is introduced into my T things change.i am looked at as bad,unhelpable ,untruthful,selfish,spoiled,demanding,manipulative,and much much more......i can't handle that right now.

i don't know what to do. just give up.

[pbutton]

I am quite certain that the teacher did not understand the horrid things that the mother did to you. This is because the things the mother did were horrible and so far beyond normal family life that most people cannot imagine that things like that happen to children. People just don't picture that kind of thing. The teacher didn't understand that you were being abused at the level that you were.

Honestly, the stuff the teacher wrote doesn't sound that bad to me. It just sounds like you had trouble focusing and paying attention. Totally understandable because A) you were a CHILD and B) you were an abused child. I'd say you were doing damn good. I don't think you sound horrible. Honest.

Your mother had NO RIGHT to do the things to you that she did. There is nothing that justifies treating a child that way. Even an unruly child should be dealt with with patience, love, and understanding. Not humiliation.

Children are not born evil. They just aren't. They learn what they see. Your T knows this. She will believe you. We believe you on PC and we're not even trained in this stuff.

I just read this that the teacher thought you were kind of unfocused, didn't always pay attention - maybe with all what was going on at home, that could suggest that you were dissociative or something. The teacher didn't know the extent of what was going on at home, so she was only agreeing with what your mother informed her of. Maybe it appeared that it 'worked'. Nowhere does it say you were a 'horrible' child, though, or any of the negatives you're reading into it. I am sure your T won't change her view of you based on any of this. It does not reveal a 'bad, unhelpable, untruthful, selfish, spoiled, demanding, manipulative' character. I don't think you need to stress about it. Your T is on your side, Granite.

Originally Posted by pbutton

Honestly, the stuff the teacher wrote doesn't sound that bad to me. It just sounds like you had trouble focusing and paying attention.

I was writing my reply when you posted this! Great minds think alike, so we must be right

[BonnieJean]

(((Granite)))) This is concrete evidence of how your mom treated you. It was wrong and you did not deserve any of it. Your t will believe you and this information will help her. You were strong enough to get through all this as a child. Even though it may not always feel like it, you have more resources as an adult. Please don't give up.

[EllieBear]

Granite, thank you so much for sharing all this. I have so much to say, but I'm logged in on my phone and it keeps crashing so I know if I try to type a long response, it will freeze up. I'll have access to a computer in a couple hours, so I'll post it then. But for now, I just wanted you to know that I can relate to so much of what you've written and it helps me understand you and your struggles so much better. It doesn't make me think anything bad about you at all...not now, and not as a child. It sheds some light on what you've gone through and makes me want to go and pick little Granite up and get her out of that house because she did not deserve ANY of that. I'll write more later, because I have some experiences that hopefully will help, but for now, thank you for sharing this. Hugs to you!

[feralkittymom]

(((Granite))) You sound like a kid with some very normal behaviors that showed distress. I wish someone had been aware enough to see it and help you. I have several friends who teach elementary/secondary school, and they all tell me that those reports are all about telling parents what they want to hear. If they disagree strongly with how a parent sees their child, it just opens up a lot problems which, in many cases, will come back to haunt the teacher. That's why I see a contradiction in her reports and what she wrote to your mother.

Your T isn't going to blame you for being a child. It's understandable that you'd be afraid of that because of the horrible humiliating experience your family subjected you to. But I really can't imagine it happening with your T. Be careful that you don't twist her words in your head to punish yourself.

[EllieBear]

Granite, I've typed out a long response twice and been signed out when I try to post it and the message disappears. I'm sorry. I want to respond but it's not working tonight. I'll try again to send it tomorrow. Hope your doing ok.

[tinyrabbit]

I didn't read your whole post as I find it triggering to think about reports and medical records that are inaccurate. I'm so sorry you were hurt and I understand why it must be upsetting to read this now.

[Solepa]

Granite your post really hit home for me. I do not easily send responses for complicated reasons but I will now.
I´m so sorry you had to experience this and you are still dealing with strong feelings that came from it. You could not possibly do anything as a child that would make you deserve any of it. Do not think that please. If you as a child hear all the times bad thinks about yourself it is hard to believe it is not true but please DO because it really is not. I feel a lot of self doubt from your post and I wish that would change for you soon. I´m sure your T will be uderstanding and sure will not blame you for something you just can not be held accountable for. Please try to see her reactions in different perspective isn´t it possible that maybe you can be projecting some of your self hate to them especialy when it comes to your mother?? Sorry If I´m wrong.

Granite, I am a teacher, and what your teacher says doesn't sound AT ALL like she thought you were a horrible child. It doesn't sound AT ALL that the teacher hated you. She sounds like a teacher describing a child with attention problems and problems applying herself to her work. That is not AT ALL unusual or out of the ordinary behavior for teachers to see in our classrooms. I also see no evidence that the teacher knew or condoned what your mother was doing to you at home. All there is is a vague reference to thanking your mother for her help at home, but she is probably not referring to the public humiliation. I suspect she is referring to generally whatever your mother was telling her about working with you at home (what your mother was telling her perhaps verbally over time rather than the one sentence in your mother's reply), and probably the teacher had no idea the extent to what your mother was actually doing.

Your T is going to read this as a pretty normal evaluation of your behaviors and academic performance in the classroom, and those behaviors are described as a fairly typical inattentive child who was not always focused on her work. Nothing more than that.

Think of it this way: if a teacher were describing your son as having trouble paying attention or having trouble applying himself to his work, would you see that as the teacher "hating" him? Would you see your son's behaviors as "horrible"? Would you see those behavior as "horrible" behavior? You know darned well you wouldn't. Why are you being harder on the child you were? Give the child you were some compassion and understanding. Don't be as hard on the child you were as your mother was. That's what she wanted you to do, but you aren't a child now, and you don't have to listen to the mother or do what she says any longer.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i was a horrible child. the teacher proves that also. i didn't listen ,i was hyper,mean, unwilling to work.and had horrible conduct.i was a bad kid.no wonder the mother did what she did. anyway...this is ware i am at now.

.......i am looked at as bad,unhelpable ,untruthful,selfish,spoiled,demanding,manipulative,and much much more......i can't handle that right now.

i don't know what to do. just give up.

((chickie))
All these adjectives are yours...not your teachers, not your t's, yours.

You are/were none of those things. Your teacher's comments could have been about my own daughter...who is amazing, artistic and loveable. Her teachers adored her, but they would always tell me that she was a chatterbox that couldn't sit still. And she had a stable home, unlike you. I can't imagine what kind of problems would have surfaced if she was being abused. Eventually, we learned that she needed creative outlets, dance and art and stuff. She blossomed into the perfect student. If your mother hadn't been such a narcissistic idiot abusive fool, she would have done the same and your life would have been different.

These comments and teachers notes don't prove you bad. They prove your mother bad.

[Perna]

Granite, Chris is right. I had comments exactly like that and even later. I'm still stinging under my 7th grade English teacher's comment, "Good ability, poor performance" one.

If I were you I would give your T the report cards to get rid of. She is on your side, she does not want bad things for you, does not want you to feel bad, does not and will not think you deserved the ugly things the mother did to you. Your mother was very misguided and sick in how she treated you. It is all about her, not you.

We have to learn to pay attention in school, learn to concentrate and how they use to teach that, with all of us facing front, silent, and not being ourselves was too harsh. It is not as bad as the things the mother did to you but, at times, was close. You were an adorable, inquisitive, ALIVE little girl and they tried to put a strait jacket on you and your spirit. Keep working, don't let their nasty work win in the end.

[granite1]

omg thanks for all the suport guys. i read this and it accually feels like i coul do this .it really does .that in the end my T wouldnt hate me or think i am a completely disgusting person .but i sewar 10 min after i read this i am back to being terrified about it all and i am not even in her office. i know i will bring in the cards just incase i feel brave (who knows) but i am terrified about those stupid records.

the bigg thing about what bothers me about these reports is that she talked about my bad conduct .that means behavior. or in her words are conduct that leaves much to be desired... and about my talking .i hate the fact that i ever talked even if in 2ed grade .i don't want my T to ever know that. I have never bothered to talk to people or interacted with them (unless nessisary) for as long as i can remember. it was a good thing . i feel so exposed with that. to me talking is a horrible thing it always has been or at least it seemed to be to me.

[EllieBear]

Your mother taught you talking was a horrible thing, but it's really not. I have a daughter who is seriously one of those people who you look at her and are drawn to her. People stop me on the streets to tell me how amazing she is. I really am in awe of her. And guess what, she has the biggest "talking at school" problem of any of my kids. I don't think for one minute that makes her bad. I think that makes her a normal kid who likes to talk, and we are working on it, but not the way your mom did. What her teachers have done is to move her away from friends or something and encourage her to talk at recess instead, but they still sit in parent teacher conference and tell me and her how wonderful she is. They've said she is great...she just has "this one little thing" that we need to work on. Talking is not horrible. Your mother was wrong about that...and a lot of other things...but we'll stick with that for now Kids aren't born with that fear of talking. They learn that. If you look at kids, the ones who will not interact or speak, it's usually because there is something bad going on. I'm not talking about kids being shy...yes some kids are naturally quieter and more shy. But when a kid feels like it's bad for them to be heard or to talk at all, that's a red flag in my mind. They learned that somewhere. Don't be horrified that you talked. That's a good thing! Yes kids need to learn that they can't talk when the teacher is talking, etc, just like my daugher does. But instead of learning that you needed to wait to talk until it was your turn, you learned that it was never okay for you to talk. You never got a turn. That's not anything about you...that's your mother's issue. I'm glad you talk to us!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by granite1

the bigg thing about what bothers me about these reports is that she talked about my bad conduct .that means behavior. or in her words are conduct that leaves much to be desired...

Hey, one grading period my stepmother told me to have my father sign my report card because it was so bad, I wasn't any daughter of hers. . .

[SallyBrown]

Oh, Granite. I'm sorry this is so hard. It's true, though, that you have the misfortune of seeing this from the mother's perspective, not your teacher's. YOU know what the mother meant by "publicly criticizing". Your teacher probably didn't -- a typical teacher would not imagine what was happening to you at home. You know what being "kept on your toes" meant to the mother, but a teacher wouldn't read it that way at all. Asking someone to repeat instructions is a really normal way to make sure they're on the same page -- this is a classic thing abusers do, framing their awful behavior in a way that makes it sound normal and even helpful.

Your view of your "bad conduct" is probably very much colored by the consequences you suffered for it, NONE of which were deserved. I can understand why talking seems horrible to you, but to a teacher, talking may make their job a little more difficult but it's not seen as horrible, it's seen as a normal and typical issue in the classroom. Knowing that you talked in 2nd grade changes nothing about the way I see you, and I am guessing your T will feel the same.

And if I had to guess, when your T says it sounds strange that if things were so bad, why didn't the mother go to school, or why didn't someone from the school go to your home... I read this as her questioning whether your conduct really was that bad, or whether this was something the mother made you believe to justify her treatment of you. This is kind of what a lot of us are saying -- if it was as bad as you are reading it, why wasn't more action taken? It's quite possible that you weren't really that bad! The school did not seem to feel it necessary to involve the mother more, so from their perspective, you probably weren't really that bad a kid. And if your mother was so worried, a NORMAL reaction is to go into the school to talk, not to humiliate and abuse her child. That's what I read T as saying -- that your mom CLAIMED to be so concerned, but she did not act like a concerned mother. She acted like an abuser.

It's horrible that your view of yourself as a child is so distorted by the way the mother made you feel. I hope you can come to see it this way, though: that a lot of this narrative you tell yourself comes from things the mother told you, and not the way you really were as a little kid.

[Perna]

November:

"Perna is a capable student but she seldom completes her work. It was necessary to give her a L ("Little achievement for THIS pupil.") in arithmatic because she hasn't completed enough papers to grade her in any other way. The completed work however is very good."

February (when my stepmother told me to ask my father to sign my report card):

"Perna is not working according to her capabilities. She plays and dreams so much she has difficulty completing even the simplest assignments."

April: (I'm sure after a lot of punishment and threats by my stepmother):

"Perna has shown much growth in her attitude toward school. Especially in her effort to complete her assigned work."

June:

"Perna is very capable but is such a dreamer. She has to be pushed to get even the slightest assignment from her. When she awakens she should be a fine student."

You'll be happy to know I "awakened" and became a fine student when I was 41!!! It's them, granite, not us!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Perna

Hey, one grading period my stepmother told me to have my father sign my report card because it was so bad, I wasn't any daughter of hers. . .

omg this has happened to me also i look at the signatures an 2 were my stepfarthers because the mother said if she had to sighn them she would kill me. that wasd my 3rd grade card.

[karebear1]

(((((Granite))))) I so understand what you are going through right now my friend.

Personally, I love chatty, wiggly little kids. My youngest was so like this and was the light of my life. I'm sorry you have a mother that is warped in her way of thinking about you. You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate and communicative person. I wish I had the ability to communicate the way you do.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Granite

Granite does a nice job in her reading book- in her other subjects she needs to pay more attention to her own work- and not everyones else. She makes many mistakes- partly do to carelessness and not following directions. also she must remember to return her homework. with more effort I'm sure Granite can improve her work.

I taught primary school, and I always hated the idea of report cards at this grade level. Primary school is for kids to learn to read, to learn their modality of learning, and to create an environment so the child wants to learn. I suspect you were putting in as much effort as you were able to at the time, as a second-grader, especially given what you were dealing with at home. If you had difficulty with instructions, that is like every other second-grader, trust me. It was age-appropriate, or if you had a lot of difficulty following directions, that should have been addressed in a compassionate way by the adults in your life. I am so sorry that it wasn't. That is NOT your fault. Also, stress can cause a lot of difficulties that can manifest as not focusing, having motivational difficulties, memory difficulties, etc.

Feel free to keep granite in at recess to correct careless work. ask Granite to repeat instructions to keep her on her toes. if she does not know them criticize her publicly. this has helped her nature at home. i appreciate what you have done in the past.

I am so, so, so sorry. This really saddens and sickens me. You did not deserve this.

Granite needs improvement in most areas- her oral reading and silent reading can be good when she puts her mind to it..most of her written work is carelessly done-and many times incomplete-she loves to talk and look around- frequently her conduct leaves much to be desired.her main problem is to settle down and think which she is very capable of doing- thank you for the help you have given her at home--i feels this helps a great deal.

First, I don't think the teacher suspected anything, unfortunately. However, when your mother wrote to criticize you publically, that would have been a red flag for me. If you loved to talk, I wonder why your teacher didn't see that as a strength and let you do oral reports, etc. It sounds like this teacher thought that behavioral modification was in order, when really, you needed help.

You say you misbehaved quite badly, I say you were screaming for help in the only way you knew. You were doing your part, Granite. I am so sorry this happened. I think you were innocent and courageous. You were asking for help. Please be kind to yourself. You truly deserve it.

after reading these report cards i am sure that the records the T wants to read with me are just an extension of these report cards. i don't want her to read about how horrible i was. i am terrified it will turn her against me. just like anything that has to do with the mother. she will see that at one point i did talk and i was a horrible kid. she will not believe me that the mother has abusive . even i can see that now there are two parts to this and that i was not Innocent at all. it was nice to have my T support me unconditionally .and if i let this go on i know that will come to an end .she will never believe me. my T will change. this has happened in the past as soon as anything regarding the mother is introduced into my T things change.i am looked at as bad,unhelpable ,untruthful,selfish,spoiled,demanding,manipulative,and much much more......i can't handle that right now.

You were a CHILD that was being abused at home. I believe you and so does everybody else here. I am sickened by how the adults at school didn't see through your behavior, they didn't hear you asking for help. Children are unable to process things like what your mother told you. They often take it on themselves, and blame themselves. I wish so much that there was something I could do to help you see how good you were then and are now.
Know that you are in my thoughts. Please keep us posted, I highly suspect your T will be very empathic with you about this (although I don't know much about your T). Please take care and be safe.

[Sunne]

This is not your fault, granite. I'm so sorry your spirit was broken as a child. That child deserves love, acceptance, and compassion. You can give it to her. You are very strong, and I admire you for it. I also know I'm not the only one who does. Take care.

(((hugs)))

[WikidPissah]

You know, back then, the last thing teachers thought of was abuse. It wasn't known how widespread it was, and they weren't trained to spot it. I went to school with numerous broken bones, black eyes, bruises on my neck...etc. The teachers never noticed anything. They would write that I was lazy, because I would fall asleep during reading in the early grades. Um, maybe because I wasn't allowed to sleep at night? I wrote a letter to my grammar school a few years ago begging them to notice when kids aren't doing well at home.

[WikidPissah]

oh and GOOD LUCK TODAY!!!

[peaches100]

Granite,

When I read your report card, I didn't think anything bad about you at all! What it sounded like to me was that you had a hard time paying attention and completing tasks, and I think it was probably because you were always so stressed out about what was going on at home. You probably had a hard time paying attention at school because you were trying to cope with so many painful experiences at home.

I am exactly like this as an adult. When I get too stressed out or get triggered by something, I start getting very spacy and forgetful, and even sometimes don't notice when my h talks to me. My t says it is a type of dissociation. I wonder if that is what you were experiencing sometimes at school.

About the talking. . .that is very normal behavior for kids, especially in grade school. My h's teacher called him "Motor mouth." I know it still bugs him to this day!

I remember one of my report cards gave me an "N" (needs improvement) under the topic "Respects the property of others." I wonder what that means?? I can't imagine myself stealing somebody's pencils or something. . .weird.

I hope you get brave and share your report cards with your t. I think it will help her realize that you were probably stressed and it was hard to settle down and relax at school. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong or bad. Just that it was hard to concentrate. That is SOOOO understandable considering all the stuff that went on at home.

I wish we could all go back in the past and rescue, hug, and encourage little Granite when she was sad. . .