Frustrating session

So I am really mad at myself tonight! I was so standoffish with my T after his week off and I felt like I just could not break through it.

I feel like while I did talk about some real issues, I totally skirted around those things I *needed* to share and was not authentic. It was almost like I put on my mask and did not take it off hardly at all. Now I'm worried that T will think I'm fine and don't need to even be coming. He's probably like WTF?

Ugh. Please tell me it will be ok (?) I'm feeling so depressed right now - its like i cant breathe. i keep feeling like i cant keep going through this forever and I'm afraid now T will tell me "This is life - deal with it." I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm thinking of quitting therapy while I'm ahead because I just don't know how I will ever get through this problem. It's like I get closer to being real and then the pain comes - pain so overwhelming and engulfing like I'm going to die. So I pull away and am fake - it feels good for a moment but then I'm so alone the emptiness carries on for miles.

I hate this

I so get this....

I've been there - pulling away and distancing in session, only to get home and feel bereft and alone, and sinking into despair when I realise it's going to be a whole other week until I get another chance to connect. If you quit you'll be cutting yourself off... and it's not easy to keep that mask in place indefinitely. Go back to T, try to open up and tell him all this, and trust him to help you through it.. I think you'll feel so much better - I did, anyway..

I SO get this. Have you and your T discussed this pattern of yours? If so, I'm sure your T saw right through it. Mine always does. He even has said "That's some really great minimization, pbutton." LOL

If you haven't talked about it, I opened up this discussion by telling T that I don't do a very good job of showing and explaining when something is wrong with me. He picked right up on it & he gets it now.

Can you print out this thread and show it to him to start the conversation?

We haven't really talked about it. I went in sharing that one of my problems is that I feel detached or disconnected from others and even myself....but I havent been sharing much about the transference stuff lately. I know it would help to be open with him, but I feel very scared about his reaction. I don't want to mess anything up....I realize that sounds silly.

It feels like it gets harder to open up the conversation as time goes on though...I'm going to have to force myself to do it because I want to break through this.

Here's how I handle sesions like that: I try to go in to the next session, and as soon as I sit down, I say, "I wasn't being exactly truthful last week. I acted find but...X was bothering me." It starts the ball rolling.

Ts are used to people trying to redirect their attention, to minimize or otherwise avoid something scary and difficult. They roll with it. You sound determined to be open, and that's all you need--to keep going back and opening your mouth to try again.

I'm thinking about this, although I'm not sure that I would have the guts to do it...might be easier than turning into a deer in headlights though, as i do tend to go blank. Thanks for the idea (:

Breaks in therapy can have all sorts of effects - I think all this sounds like great material to discuss with your T!

I remember being terrified when I brought this up with my T. In fact I only remember bits and pieces of the discussion because I was busy wanting to crawl out of my skin. The biggest parts that I remember are that he expressed understanding (he GOT it, he really did!) and that it felt SO good to have his help with something I was actually worried about - something that seemed unsolvable on my own. It's hard, but it is worth it. He has even asked me if I was worried about messing things up between the two of us. So that doesn't sound silly at all. I bet it is fairly common.

Someone who has done a lot of research on the subject of feeling vulnerable is Brene Brown. She has a few books out, and many youtube videos. She was the final speaker at the TEDX coference a few years ago - a speech that went viral. In addition to a lot of good information on shame and vulnerability, she is an engaging speaker, making it easy to listen, and she tells her own horror stories with vulnerability.

Videos & Press — Brené Brown

I wonder if even reading the comments about the video might be helpful?

Brene Brown’s campaign against snark - Salon.com

Amazon.com: brene brown