Attachment to t

Lately I have been feeling a really strong attachment to my t. In the last few months we have become very close and I trust her more than anyone before.
I know I am supposed to become attached its part of the process but I feel so close that it scares me.
She knows me better than anyone and she can see right through me, she tells me I am kind, gentle and deserve to be happy but I don't believe her. I have never been this attached to someone before and it scares me so much that I want to run away. Feel so safe around her and want her hugs to last forever but I know they can't. Today I told t that I am not ok anymore and that I feel terrible again, she told me how to keep safe from my gf and that I deserve so much more respect the thing is I don't believe that and I think t only tells me that to make me feel better.
I want to tell her how I really feel but I can't I just sat there and cried and disassociated. She asked me what I was thinking and I said nothing, the tears started to roll down my face and I looked up at her and she looked like she felt everything I was feeling and I wish I didn't have to tell her all of this because she is so kind but I can't bring myself to tell her how I really feel about myself. I did talk about sex though and it helped a little. I just wish I wasn't attached and that I didn't feel so much for her.

Can you start by saying something to her more general- i am scared and upset about some of the feelings i have (toward you).

But if you weren't so attached, you wouldn't have the joy of being attached to her and feeling supported by her.

It's really confusing and difficult, learning to trust. It's a process. Could you show your T what you've written here?

She is so supportive and has never let me down, I don't know why I need to run away from her or why I am so confused and scared.
I think she must know how I feel, do all ts expect transference and attachment?
She has never brought it up, just that she likes me and respects me and that we are always. Honest with each other so me not telling her how I really feel is keeping something from her.

Yes they do, you are absolutely right! I imagine you are confused and scared because of things that have happened previously in other relationships. Those will repeat within therapy. Your T will expect you to repeat your experiences. It's okay. They really do all expect this.

I don't think honesty is such a black and white thing. You can't tell your T everything all of the time. And I suspect she knows or understands on an unconscious level anyway.

It's so painful isn't it? But you will be ok. Can you write down a bit of what you want to say and give it to your T to read? Start by saying something like: this is what I really need to talk to you about, can you read this first please?

Your T will be trained and experienced to hear and help you deal together with whatever you want and need to say.

Take care.

Until we talk it out. It feels huge inside us. Once we talk it out & T gets to respond to it, it becomes right sized & manageable.

Yes, this is so very true!

This is exactly it TR,
I am scared to get close, scared to feel feelings towards her because everytime I feel something for anyone they leave me. T said I have never had a stable person in my life, or a person who has ever stayed in my life so I am scared. We talked about these abusive relationships I keep getting into today and T said I keep looking for the good in people that don't have it and I keep getting hurt over and over.
I feel like I can't tell t things that happen in my relationship because she will think I am dysfuntional. She said that my gf will never change so this means I need to change again.

Thank you Daisymay,
Yes it is very painful, too painful at times. writing it is a great idea thank you

I have heard this before, I don't know how true it is but it is worth a try