Bottom line about the anger

Really? That's so sad- I though too that the ultimate step is for the Self to became whole again- no child parts. Sorry, must be so difficult to deal with.

Thus far, my T has met my need to be validated, met my need to be heard and seen, met my need to have a witness to my pain, and met my need as much as a therapist can to be a safe base. The needs that have been overcome and the needs that I have used other coping skills with to resolve, well, there is no need to address them in therapy.

I think of myself as different parts, or ego states. Some are more integrated than others. For me, it is more like a story, such as my child part fills me with a ton of overwhelming emotions in relations to abandonment fears. I guess one could say it is a trigger, but the trigger comes from childhood. It helps me understand why I am overwhelmed when I am, which makes things less scary. I realize that I need to see this part of me and myself and now that it has been seen and validated, it feels real and not just a ton of emotions being hurled at me.

I started by depending on my therapist and my goal is to lessen this, and I am doing that actively by seeing him once a week instead of twice this upcoming summer. His flexibility and understanding that there is a wise part of me that knows how to heal myself, has been overwhelmingly healing.

I understand that not everyone has this experience, and I think we all take different paths. I don't hold the belief that the way I am doing it is the way someone else should do it. I don't hold the belief that therapists can't meet needs, because mine has. I do think that therapist can't fill the void and that it is up to the patient to grieve and move forward as much as possible. I see that Rainbow is doing the grieving part.

Rainbow, I don't do IFS, but was unaware that it states that the children are supposed to remain children. That is interesting. Do you feel like your child parts have grown at all? Do you feel like they have become less dependent on your therapist, and if so, what ways? I am really curious. I know that grieving the loss is very intensive. Hugs to you.

The goal is for the Self to lead the parts. I'm not talking about DID. These are parts we all have, like a part who may want to eat healthy and exercise every day, vs a part who does emotional eating and doesn't want to exercise. It doesn't necessarily mean child parts. Or, a part who is ashamed of another part. I'll ask my T again because I was surprised too. I'm pretty sure she said something like "we're not trying to get rid of your child parts. They're special. We just want them to do what children like to do, and that's to play. So when my child part likes to play in the sand, that's good! She's a part of me who is healthy.

Like I posted above, I think that's what my T said. It doesn't seem to make complete sense, though. Have they grown? I'll have to ask my T because now I'm confused. I think the baby and child parts who always wanted my T to be there for them can now accept MY being there for them to some extent. I think my T said we want to unburden them or shift the burden or something like that. The baby part doesn't think about T holding her all the time. It came up again now, but for a long time, like over a year, that urge hasn't come up. The urge for little parts to climb into her lap hasn't been there much, either. I think the parts grew to adolescents, or rather, those young parts are okay but the adolescent parts have been needing attention for some months now, and we are working with those.

When we do SE, there's not as much dealing with the parts, but I will try to remember to ask my T about the child parts again, as now you've got me curious!

LOL, sorry, I didn't mean to confuse you. It is all very confusing, but I was just curious myself. Take care!

I relate a lot to Rainbow's struggles and am doing some similar work with my t, so I want to add my two cents. . .

Experiencing oneself as having "parts" isn't usually a decision that is made. The client doesn't decide whether or not it would be useful to see themselves as having parts. If parts work is being done in therapy, it is usually because the client already experiences themselves as having separate parts of their personality that feel different from what they consider their "normal self." If this is the case, then doing work such as IFS in therapy can be very beneficial.

Usually, if a person has parts, it is because they have experienced some traumatic stuff from their past that was hard for them to acknowledge, experience, feel, or endure. Because it would have been too hard to continue with day to day functioning, those anxious, fearful, shaming, or angry feelings were pushed away to another part of the person's consciousness. Over the time, the person repeatedly pushesaway their painful emotional reactions. It becomes a coping mechanism that helps them function in a calm, adult-like, unruffled way.

However, at times, something happens that reminds them of past painful situations that they have bureid. The reminder is a trigger. This trigger causes the part of them that they have buried, that is holding onto all that anxiety, need, pain, etc. to have an emotional outburst. Because the person does not normally react this way, when it happens, it is experienced as "not me." The person has pushed that part of themselves away for so long that it is not recognized as a part of "self." Or, if it is recognized as a part of "Self," it is usually experienced as an unwanted part of Self.

Usually the person has learned to deny that part of themselves because they were told growing up that it was wrong to feel angry, or it was shameful to feel needy, or whatever. So when that "part" shows up, the person can feel really negative or even hateful toward that part of them. Part of the job of therapy is to help the client learn about those parts of themselves that they have disavowed, realize that there is nothing bad or wrong about about having feelings, and heal the pain that has made the person keep that "part" at arm's distance. The more a person can learn about their parts, accept them, and deal with their memories and feelings without pushing them away, the more the person can feel like a whole integrated person.

At least that's my understanding of it.

This is not, though, an explanation of "parts" as experienced by somebody with DID. I'm referring to parts as experienced by someone with BPD or Complex PTSD, (In DID, the parts are more fragmented, the person is usually not aware that they have parts, and they "lose time" when a part takes over.)

Thanks, peaches. I lived with not-me more than the kids from family circus. This was a good very good explanation.