Couch 51 - They also serve

((( Healed )))

I'm sorry you're going through this. My T tells me that unexplained panic is sometimes my brain's way of trying to stop my body from bringing something important to the surface. He encourages me to allow my body to say what it needs to say - but I have no idea how to do that. *sigh*

Getting ready to head out to group T....

Last week was the first week I faced my group T members after revealing some really difficult yucky things...and it was horrifying. I was medicated because I couldn't handle the anxiety. Everyone was very caring and supportive (although a couple of people missed the session)...yet it was horrifying for me to sit with the shame and humiliation of it.

I wonder how awkward it's going to feel walking in to session today. I can only hope that people have gotten past it....or forgotten it. Feels yucky.

Yeah, it's this week and then three more weeks. My last pre-holiday appointment is on June 20, and the next one will be on August 20.
And maybe it is something in me trying to prepare for that. I would prefer it if I could just use the time up until the last session to work hard and get to feel better, though....

Sorry, I'm being really self-absorbed. Wikid, you should stay away from our house... it is not orderly and we have a lot of paper. (Not just the books in our library.)

((healed)) that's really, really tough, what you are going through. Be kind to yourself. This is happening right now, but there's no reason to think that you are defective and that this is a state you'll live in forever. Going on new medication can be very hard, too, but sometimes it can be worth it, and I know Effexor helps a lot of people. I really hope it will help you, too.

((mu_e)), good luck. You're being really brave.

My house is on the market so it's pretty clean right now. Sometimes it doesn't feel like my house. I am generally clean-ish. I can let things go, but when I do clean I clean out all drawers, shelves, dust every dustable surface. It's all or nothing in whatever room I am cleaning. My sister got the cleaning OCD, my OCD behaviors are more centered around safety. (Locks, things that could burn down the house, making sure my cats don't get caught in anything, etc.)

Afternoon couch. Well work went soso with my dad this morning. He asked why I was going to the doctor (I had told him I had an appointment at 3:45 and could only help him if we were done before then over teh weekend. I said my psychiatrist and he made the comment that a good Christian doesn't need to see one. I ignored it and said nothing. Other than that, it went well. he paid me for Friday and today. I only worked with him 3 hours on Friday and 5 hours today, so that's 8 hours total and he paid me $100, that's over 10 bucks an hour for just holding tape measures and writing down numbers. I wasn't expecting that much, but I will take it.

Pdoc appointment has me a little baffled. He asked how I was doing and I said I felt much calmer than I used to. He said the Lamictal was working then. I didn't mention that I was still hypomanic because I haven't been, but he still increased my Lamictal because he said the dose he put me on last time was just a starting dose and not therapuetic. I think the lower dose was working, but he said it was too low to do any good. I'm a little lost. He increased it a lot too. Not sure how I feel about that.

Have to observe C and one of his other helpers tomorrow for a few hours. Then have an all day inservice on Thursday. Busy week.

Well, my prescriptions should be ready to be picked up, so off I go, then to eat supper.

I hope everyone has a good evening.

In the waiting room. My heart is racing. Barf. I am starting to hope that the rapid heartbeat is a sign that I'll be dead in a few seconds. Because this suckkkkkkkks.

Tornado warning sirens going off here.

Stay safe, Hanskter.

Wish there was a F off and die you f'in *****...button...LOL

whats going on lola???

Whether you mean rebuking or refuting, it's the wrong thing for a therapist to do. He's supposed to listen respectfully and validate your feelings.

The way I see it, you have some internal defenses (chemical and mental) against panic. Your internal defenses may be weak, but they do exist.

When you take meds, your internal defenses can relax, and they do. When you come off meds, your internal defenses are caught napping and you feel worse than before you started meds. Also, after many months of peace, perhaps you have forgotten just how bad things used to be?

In theory, coming off slowly should reduce the shock, but I don't know how much it helps in practice. However, your internal defenses should come back up eventually.

I'm baack! What a weird world I have just emerged from, no outside communication, no news, no internet. I feel strangely at peace. But now i'm in the real world with news of impending tornandos, a job interview appointment on my voicemail and T tonight at 5 pm.

Hope all the people in tornando alley (or whatever you call it over there) are keeping safe and out the way of the wicked witch.

I have missed you all heaps and I'm devoting time to catching up on the couch. WITHOUT a drink or other chemical support. I'm going to do this properly this time.

Was having a crappy day, until I brought my daughter to her first soccer game, ever! It was so cute, watching bunch of 4 and 5 year olds playing soccer together!!

i use to love watching my son play soccer lol welcome to the community of soccer moms . now for the mini van to cart the teem around in

Oh no! Just realised i didn't wish my daughter "Good luck" in her chess tournament today. She's the only girl in the local tournament.ment

My son's friend from way back in soccer days now plays for the NE Rev's.

My OCD isn't around cleaning either. It is around germs, but germs outside my home. I also do rituals in my head, so it's not really obvious. The rituals used keep me tied up for hours though. I really struggled with it sometimes, but for the most part I have worked hard to rise above it. I can pretty much catch myself BEFORE I go into ritual mode. I still tap though...lol. And run square roots in my head. Yup. I'm a crazy biotch. But not clean wise, I just found that if I clean for 45 min a day, I live a much less stressful life.

wiki i am sorry if i made you feel bad saying your house was squeeky clean it was kind of a funny maybe a bad funny

I'm being serious here. I had never considered I might have OCD. Before I cross a road I repeat the rhythm for 3/4 time in my head repeatedly til I get to the other side, I also use it to calm myself down in social situations. Is this OCD behaviour? But I can't begin to cross the road (or use the phone etc) unless I repeat the pattern a certain amount of times. Which varies.

I'm sure it's okay! It was the mice that squeeked at my mother's old house!! We needed your spray!

In the Great White North, we call that refudiating.

Granite...heck no! You didn't offend me in the least! (((chickie)))

BPA - I think it becomes OCD if it takes up a lot of time, consumes your life, and effects your relationship and living. It's kind of ocd behavior, but in my case my rituals would take up to 3 hrs, and I wouldn't be able to get to work, or grocery shop or anything. It was totally effing up my life. I kind of have a pet peeve about people saying "I'm so ocd" when they have no idea what it really is.

Calling all dog people... my dog has diarrhea again. We thought it was caused by the dog being on an antibiotic but she hasn't been recently and now it has come back. This is really getting old. We have a very open floor plan but my H decided the best way to keep her in the kitchen was to block it off with chairs and furniture and she got through and made a mess in two rooms... I can not clean it up unless I want to add my own mess...the smell is too much. So my son and i went and rented an industrial carpet cleaner and it is all waiting for my H to do when he gets home. I'm up in my bedroom....

This is really really getting old. couldn't we just keep the dog on human versions of chicken and rice if that's what it takes to keep away the diarrhea? The vet wants to do an xray because even though she's been on antibiotics for a UTI (2 sessions) there is still alot of junk in her urine... now we have this again... We haven't changed her food or anything. We've been fighting this on and off again for 3 months.

*walks in and plops down onto couch*