I told my therapist that I loved her today (not romantic, just that I love her and having her in my life, all true statements,) along with a bunch of other stuff. I know she can't reciprocate, and a small part of me appreciates her boundary. But it sure did hurt a lot not to hear anything in return except that about how she agreed that attachment can be so hard. I'm new here so just starting to reach out to everyone, but decided I need some support from people who might understand this issue as I'm having some crazy, impulsive thoughts right now.

I realize no one here knows me or my therapist's history together. I realize this pain is a part of my past that I need to grieve but it's hard not to feel like completely quitting therapy right now. I feel so sad and vulnerable. Worst of all, I knew this would happen. I just don't know how I can keep going to therapy after this, or why, or how this gets any better.

It feels like a trick...they listen intently, have people confess their love and tell them how awesome they are all day long, and none of it has to be reciprocated? I realize this is not the case, of course, and my therapist's actions speak louder than any words she may never say to me. But it feels so wrong and strangely manipulative to me right now. I would love to hear from people who have come out of the other side of this!

[mixedup_emotions]

I can understand the feelings and the suspicion about the manipulative nature - and how incredibly painful it all is. Unfortunately, I am not on the other side, so I can't help you there. Just know you are not alone with having these feelings.

And welcome to PC!

[content30]

Yeah...I opted not to say those things to my T despite the fact that I do have a kind of love/admiration for her. All I could bring myself to say as I was starting to see her less and less is that it was hard because I was accustomed to seeing her every week. She knew I meant that I missed her though... She did muster a response stating that her Mondays weren't the same without me as I was her most fun client of the day. I was quite surprised that she said that! I take comfort in knowing that my T became a T because she had an excellent T help her. If she liked her T enough that her T made her want to become a T, then I can only imagine that she was attached to said T. I know my T is not manipulative and that she does not judge me for my statements and actions. I hope that as you're around your T that your T demonstrates this as well and that you can find comfort in this.

[anilam]

Welcome
I see ppl struggling with this on PC nearly everyday- so you surely are no exception (hope it helps- I like to know I'm not the only one...)
Kudos for the courage to tell. What did you expect her to say? Did you have any fantasies re this?
All and all I think (hope) being attached to your T is a good thing- I don't love my T but am somehow attached as he puts it (addicted as I put it) to him/ therapy. He assures me that it's a part of the process of therapy and it shall pass. We'll see about that.
BTW Ts don't always hear how great they are- I vent a lot (recently blamed my T for making me all mushy) and suspect others are doing that too.

[Willowleaf]

Nightmare isn't it! Well done you for saying what you felt though. As anilam said what did you want the response to be? I am very attached to mine and hate the fact it has to be one way, but she always says it is less one way than I think and that I can never know how much she cares. She also says if she tells me I wouldn't believe her and so she needs me to feel it.
Can you feel any of this sort of thing from your t? Hang on in there. Lots of us are very attached and I think it eventually gets more manageable.

We think want our 'love' reciprocated, but we don't. We need someone to just receive it without judgement.

Love is....the minute we slip into expecting a certain response, it's no longer love, but a desire to control. Born out of a fear of abandoment.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by PumpkinEater

I realize this is not the case, of course, and my therapist's actions speak louder than any words she may never say to me.

Hang on to that. Yes, it will get better! Feeling and saying the words and getting the experience and "recovering" are all part of learning to navigate yourself through Life. No one can "teach" you about love and your feelings and when and how to tell another of your feelings, we have to practice all that and see what happens and watch ourselves and how we respond and then try it again from a different direction with a different emphasis, etc. There's nothing smooth and easy about life and interacting with others.

It sounds good in our head to say "I love you and love having you in my life" and to have the other respond as we imagine we would like but there are too many parts to the reality for it to ever be like that; being able to say the words is a part that is difficult but, even more difficult is learning to say the words just because that is what you want to say, not because of any expectation of anything at all in return.

Wanting to express yourself, knowing who you are and that it is the "right" time for you to express yourself in that way and that alone being what you want to do at that time -- that is worth aiming for.

Even more difficult than that though is getting to know the other person well enough that what you say to the other person is both what you are/want to say and what the other person would love to hear, to be able to add to the other person's life by what you have to say to them, to be able to say that which draws the two of you closer while still acknowledging the other and their Self as an individual, to help balance the interaction or relationship.

[LoneWolfie]

Hi Pumpkin and welcome to PC!

I told my t I love her like a mother figure about three months ago. I can't say I was a courageous as you, I beat around the bush verbally and think I actually ended up writing it in some stuff I send to her weekly. I may have eventually said the words but I couldn't look her in the eye.

Our relationship has really opened up, I was pretty closed off up to that point. I felt intimidated by her and at one point I thought I had ruptured our relationship with a massive rage fest in written form. It was a pretty intense three weeks wondering if she would turn her back on me and switch me to another t. After that is when I realized that I loved her and it was transference.

She knew what was going on, I asked her. Anyway I am in a good place now and am glad that I was able to be honest. It has been a huge weight lifted off me and am so much happier for doing it.

Good luck with this.

LW

Originally Posted by PumpkinEater

I told my therapist that I loved her today (not romantic, just that I love her and having her in my life, all true statements,) along with a bunch of other stuff. I know she can't reciprocate, and a small part of me appreciates her boundary. But it sure did hurt a lot not to hear anything in return except that about how she agreed that attachment can be so hard. I'm new here so just starting to reach out to everyone, but decided I need some support from people who might understand this issue as I'm having some crazy, impulsive thoughts right now.

I realize no one here knows me or my therapist's history together. I realize this pain is a part of my past that I need to grieve but it's hard not to feel like completely quitting therapy right now. I feel so sad and vulnerable. Worst of all, I knew this would happen. I just don't know how I can keep going to therapy after this, or why, or how this gets any better.

It feels like a trick...they listen intently, have people confess their love and tell them how awesome they are all day long, and none of it has to be reciprocated? I realize this is not the case, of course, and my therapist's actions speak louder than any words she may never say to me. But it feels so wrong and strangely manipulative to me right now. I would love to hear from people who have come out of the other side of this!

Wow, this is great feedback, thanks everyone. I have a lot to think about.

About the fantasy of the response...ooh, it's hard to type on here, I can't even stand to feel vulnerable in an anonymous online forum, plus it's embarrassing to see the words written down! :::deep breath::: I imagined that she would get tears in her eyes and say "I love you, too, PumpkinEater, and I'm so glad I can finally tell you." And it would have just made everything in therapy so much easier knowing we had this great trusting moment to share. Conversely, I have no fantasy of her being my friend ever. I HAVE of course often wished she was my Mom, and she knows all about that. Talking about it out in the open has taught me a LOT of things about my own behavior.

However, in a way I think part of my fantasy will come true...somehow it seems easier to contact her now. I am fortunate to have daily contact with her and have come to accept that as of right now, this is something that is necessary for me to hold onto the relationship. However, before all this started, it was extremely difficult to reach out even though it always helped. Now it is only "mostly difficult" instead of extremely...we are headed in the right direction albeit slowly! I look forward to the day when I can transfer my reaching out behavior to other people in my life but right now my contact with her is very reassuring and helps keep me stable when things get hard.

So I wrote her an email and she responded in such a gracious way that it made me cry, and I have been able to realize that even though I was furious AT her, it was all unfounded and I really should be thanking her, first for having great boundaries and keeping me safe that way, and second, for exposing me to a giant hole that needs to be grieved, instead of rushing into fix things FOR me, which never works anyway. She is my rock in so many ways; I have had many therapists but she has repeatedly stunned me with her ability to stand still while I bounce off her like a pinball. It's just that therapy is hard and not really that fun for me, and my trust in her really waxes and wanes at very inopportune times and for no apparent reason.

Thank you all for your feedback!

Pumpkineater
Welcome to PC. Ugh, this is so hard isn't it? Falling in love with ones t- I think all of us have been there at some stage, me with my two ts.
I know how extremely hurtful it is too when we take such a risk to deal them about our feelings, especially if we are not the type to openly express our feelings. It's a huge deal.
When the love is not reciprocated its a disappointment and a bruise to our already bruised egos. What I like about your post is how you decided to react and rather than hurt yourself and wallow in self misery( kinda like I did ) instead you focused on the positive and how your t has good boundaries to protect you and this says how much she cares about you more than words ever could.
I hope these feelings will get easier now that you have told her, sometimes they can initially get worse but I have no doubt you will be able to handle them. Take care of yourself