Disliking changes

I totally relate Rainbow! Just this past week, my T came back from being out of town for the holiday weekend and was TAN! I mean so tan it was distracting! (T has great genes apparently) It sounds silly but it is true I had to really focus a couple times to stay on track. So while it is not permanent, anything can throw us. I think it is normal. T changes hairstyles all the time so at least that doesn't throw me.

Thank you, Perna. I wish I saw what you see in me! I see me being helpless and still having too strong feelings for my T! If I had REALLY wanted to go on the trip this summer, I would have gotten the passports a few months ago. I just figured we'd never go so it wasn't worth it. I'm still not sure if we will, but maybe....

Thanks, anneo. I also feel unsettled when my T wears make-up, because I don't. A lot of times she doesn't wear any, and I find I'm more comfortable with her then.

You're right. I have my religion but unfortunately I don't have the kind of faith many of my friends and members of the community do. The next world is supposed to be better but I have a hard time believing that.

Yes, I've heard of object constancy. I didn't realize this was a form of it. T is changing, not constant. It also hurts because I see it as a pattern with her and I'm scared of what other changes she is going to make. She already said she may go back to using her maiden name. Another big change.

Thank you. He's okay, but has to stay in the hospital overnight.
Thanks, Brightheart. No, I didn't read the link yet but I will. I think all of my fears go back to childhood, too, and my Mom's anxieties. I'm supposed to write a letter of encouragment to myself for DBT tomorrow, and also bring in a self-soothing kit. I'm trying to be compassionate with myself.

That is SO cute, Perna. Thank you!! My grandson had surgeries when he was born, and at 6 months. I don't think he's going to want to go back for the surgery and he will have to stay a couple of weeks in the hospital. He didn't like lying on his back for 6 hours after the test today.

I'm glad your relative is fine now!!!

Yes, that's exactly how I feel! Her upcoming divorce is a big change. She's determined to not let it affect therapy but with these changes in her, there's no way it doesn't affect my feelings about her.

Thanks, ReddClay. The change is hard, and for me, it's more than that. It's what these changes mean as a whole--or maybe the interpretation I'm giving them which may not be true. My T is not going anywhere but the stabiltiy is gone. Before, she had a house and a husband. Now she moved out and is on her own. Anything is possible and it scares me!

Did your mother change after her divorce? Did you feel if she did that you lost the abilty to take her being 'mum' for granted if she did?

I hope that everything will be all right with your grandson. I haven't been through this with a child that I know, but I'm always impressed with the news stories of how well children do undergoing extensive surgeries. I wish your family the best.

On changes, I relate to this. There is something painful about people changing when we love them. I've experienced this on the flip side recently, because I recently dramatically changed my hair and some people have had a difficult time with it.

But I think it's pretty normal to freak out a bit over changes with the T. Sometimes I wonder if the intensity of your feelings is made more so by your labeling of them as such. What I mean is that sometimes the act of observation (unlinked from a judgment) of a thing, like how you feel about your T, changes the thing itself. Maybe just letting up on the "my feelings are so intense" storyline and replacing it with "there I notice my feelings again" might lead to a different experience with this.

My Mom didn't get divorced. She got sick and died. My Dad, who was always shy and introvertive, found some lady friends and eventually remarried one of them, living a very happy life in his 80's! Not that he wasn't happy with my Mom for 40 years! I was surprised because I thought my father was "too old" for love and marriage. Now that I'm older, I see that you're never too old for it.

My father, who was married to my mother for 40 odd years before she died, is happily with another woman now. I was very happy when he started dating again and then when he found her. It makes him happy which is a good thing (he and my mother were also happily together).
I hope your grandchild is doing okay.

My grandson is okay. It wasn't easy for him, but they're coming home now. The surgery next month will be more challenging for him, but he's a fighter!

Thank you for the good wishes for my grandson. I saw him today (he's home) and he looked a whole lot happier than he did last night!
What you said is exactly what I've learned in DBT. I did try to simply observe my feelings without judgment, and to be curious about where they're coming from. T helped me do that. I get what you mean by not labeling them as intense, and I can use wise mind and radical acceptance too. I talked about it in my DBT class today. I'm aware that I have to DO something in MY life, i.e. make changes, so that I will be able to stop wanting my T's life and stop wanting her to be here for me forever. I have to radically accept the "in love" feelings that might accelerate now that I can see her eyes better. I didn't tell her that part of it.

Thanks, stopdog. That's how it was with my Dad. His marriage at age 80 to a woman about the same age was like a fairy tale with a happy ending for a number of years! I'm glad he was happy, but it was still a surprise to me when he told me he was getting married. He became closer to his wife's family than to me; that's the part I resented.

Thanks about my grandson; he's okay.

hope u r doing better, Rainbow!!!!

thoughts and blessing of u and grandson!