[CantExplain]

Ts work with vulnerable people who are already in pain. To many patients, even the slightest T mistake feels like betrayal.

Can we allow our Ts to make mistakes? Can we forgive them if they do?

[scorpiosis37]

I think it depends on what kind of mistake you're talking about. Not all mistakes have equal consequences.

[pbutton]

I think it is important for clients to learn that just because a mistake feels like a betrayal, doesn't mean that it is actually a betrayal. Or even when the T does something the client doesn't agree with, it doesn't necessarily mean the T has made a mistake.

[critterlady]

Of course they're allowed to make mistakes. They're human. We can choose whether or not to forgive them for their mistakes, just as they can choose whether or not to own them.

My philosophy on it is that if I would forgive a loved one for something, I might as well forgive T. My relationship with him is an excellent place to practice both confronting things I think are mistakes and forgiveness.

There are unforgivable things for me, but they're pretty extreme. If T did something completely inappropriate (which I can't even begin to imagine him doing), I would be hard pressed to forgive. But a misstep in the therapy process? Almost always forgivable to me, unless it's constantly repeated.

[doyoutrustme]

Not only are they allowed, but its to be expected. Therapy is a laboratory in which we practice how to deal with all emotions. When something like this crops up, its a perfect opportunity to safely learn how to deal with it.

All people make mistakes. Very few people in my life have harmed me so severely that I found forgiveness difficult, and in those cases I speak of abuse. If a therapist abused me somehow, I am sure I would go through a similar process. I've never had that experience though.

I couldn't trust a T who was not human. Some mistakes are inevitable and very forgivable, and can even make the therapy move forward. I have experienced this. But other mistakes are less easy to forgive. A T breaking a client's confidence by mistake would be difficult to forgive, I think. Nevertheless, I'll answer "yes" in the poll.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Ts work with vulnerable people who are already in pain. To many patients, even the slightest T mistake feels like betrayal.

Can we allow our Ts to make mistakes? Can we forgive them if they do?

I've never seen anyone post about a slight mistake being cause for a major rupture. I wonder what you are referring to when saying that some posters can't forgive slight mistakes.

I don't know that I would always make the same decision as the poster, but then again I don't know the whole story. Posters generally post a summary.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

Not only are they allowed, but its to be expected. Therapy is a laboratory in which we practice how to deal with all emotions. When something like this crops up, its a perfect opportunity to safely learn how to deal with it.

When something like what crops up?

[lemon80s]

I think they are. And they will.

It just depends on the T, the client and the situation wether the mistake (big or small, who is to judge?) is something that can be overcome. Perceptions can change instantly. My T did something (not even a mistake) that has my perception changed quite drastically. It could change back or I can accept it and then we're good. But maybe I can't. I don't know yet.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I think it is important for clients to learn that just because a mistake feels like a betrayal, doesn't mean that it is actually a betrayal. Or even when the T does something the client doesn't agree with, it doesn't necessarily mean the T has made a mistake.

I totally agree.

I would add, that sometimes (and way too often) Ts do make mistakes, and betray clients, and often times the client finds themselve in the position of the child who complains about the teacher not being fair - the assumption is the teacher/T is right and the child/client is wrong. But sometimes the child/client is right and we should listen.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Ts work with vulnerable people who are already in pain. To many patients, even the slightest T mistake feels like betrayal.

Can we allow our Ts to make mistakes? Can we forgive them if they do?

How many mistakes must occur before feeling betrayed is considered legitimate.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

Not only are they allowed, but its to be expected. Therapy is a laboratory in which we practice how to deal with all emotions. When something like this crops up, its a perfect opportunity to safely learn how to deal with it.

Are there limits on what kind of mistakes are to be expected? Should ethical violations be expected? Should something close to but not an ethical violation be expected?

[Willowleaf]

I know for me it has been huge that when I feel something major has happened I manage to tell her and give her the chance to respond. Sometimes it has been my perception, sometimes she's simply got things wrong, very wrong on occasions, but learning to forgive and then live with this in the relationship has been good for me. People screw up. It happens in life and it is much easier to walk away, but learning not to has been very valuable for me. The realtionship is never quite thensame again, but i think it can still be good, probably a bit more realistic. On the other hand it has also been valuable to work out when people are hurting me and to be able to walk away. To tell the difference between what is unhealthy and what are just mistakes.

[FeelTheBurn]

Like others have said, of course it's "allowed." And inevitable. I think what's more important is, if the T makes a simple mistake (a misattunement, or saying "the wrong thing,") they acknowledge it and make an attempt to repair the therapeutic relationship with an apology, discussion, and/or an explanation. This can actually be a good experience in the end; I have had some of my most healing moments in therapy after those kinds of mistakes.

If it's a major ethical or therapeutic violation, there needs to be a much more in-depth and serious examination of their motives and process. Those situations can be truly damaging, especially if there is no effort on the part of the T to rectify and take responsibility.

We as clients need to remember that therapists are human. In relational therapy, where the "therapeutic alliance" is paramount, they have to rely on training, education, intuition, our feedback, body language, guesswork...this is not an easy job. It involves trying to be "good enough" for someone who is already carrying pain and wounds, whose perceptions and interpretations of the world around them may be heavily distorted, in a time when that client's life may very well depend on the therapist doing all the right things. This does not excuse incompetence or damaging behavior, but under ordinary circumstances, should inform how strongly we react to our therapist's errors. None of us is entitled to perfection.

[growlithing]

Of course a T is allowed to make a mistake. It's impossible for anyone to be perfect and if my T never made a mistake, she'd intimidate me. Just like with everyone else, what matters is how big and major the mistake is. A mistake is showing up for an appointment a few minutes late once or tripping on her words and saying something she doesn't completely mean but then later correcting herself. Abusing a client in any way including violating boundaries is not a mistake. The T knows better but did it anyway.

[Miswimmy1]

I think it really depends on where the individual is in treatment and their specific relationship with their therapist.

I generally think that therapists are only human and make mistakes. How the mistake impacts the individual depends on the individual and their place in treatment and how they deal with it. I know for me personally, when my t makes mistakes, I try to work through it and make note of it, but not let that instance define how I see my t- I guess I try to see our relationship as a whole, and not let one mistake define how I see t. But that's just me.

I know that I've been in a bad place and t had made a mistake and it felt like te world was crumbling. So I really think it depends on the indivial and where they are in treatment.

As for forgiveness, i forgive but I don't forget

[stopdog]

I don't think allowed is the right verb. I mean, I can forbid them making mistakes all day, but regardless, they will make them (thus compounding their error by adding in disobedience to the original mistake making). I think it depends upon the client and the mistake and how the therapist handles the situation as to how big of deal any mistake or mistakes are. I do think clients are far too quick to assume that the client is at fault and not the therapist. I believe far too many concessions are made in favor of therapists. But if other clients want to do bend over backwards for a therapist, then it is okay with me. I do not give the therapist the same leeway I give others, but I don't really think the the therapist cares one way or the other. They are perfectly happy, in my opinion, to label clients and ex-clients and go on their merry way with no twinge of acceptance of responsibility. Once the therapist's mistakes outweigh info I can glean from them, I find new ones to see.

[wotchermuggle]

Of course. Geesh, they are people too.

I discovered through therapy that there really are no perfect people in our world.

[WikidPissah]

unless your T is Jesus...and maybe even then...

Everyone screws up. Everyone.

If it isn't okay for your T to make a mistake, then you shouldn't see a t.

[stopdog]

I think, if one wants to equate therapists with deities, then I would choose the greek or roman ones. They are my favorite as they were openly powerful, and unabashedly capricious, and flawed.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

unless your T is Jesus...and maybe even then...

Everyone screws up. Everyone.

If it isn't okay for your T to make a mistake, then you shouldn't see a t.

Simple concept, unfortunately, before therapy I thought I was the worst screwup in this world so I hid myself away. Lived in a family that only accepted excellence. Therapy helped me take the blinders off, especially when i realized my therapist was not perfect.

Thanks for saying this.

[stopdog]

And yet when the glorious opportunity for non- human- weakness- plagued robot therapists looms upon the horizon, so many people here protest.

Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir.

Monty Python - Life of Brian

I never thought therapists were all that great to begin with - so I am not often all that disappointed in them as a rule. As long as I remember to keep them back, I do okay.

At the moment, apparently my T isn't allowed to make mistakes. He has in the past, has admitted them and been forgiven.