New member, new T, new modality!

Hi all. New here. I have rapid cycling BPI that's relatively well managed through medication and lifestyle habits. I'm a transplant from a mood disorders forum that closed last year. Been trying to find a new online home where I feel comfortable enough to post. I'm posting here, which is a good sign!

My therapist retired this spring after 10 years together. I was pretty devastated at the loss. Before her exit she fixed me up with a new T who I've now been seeing for a few months. I like her!

The new T and I are aiming to do EMDR work together, with plans to resource next week. I was totally open to the idea when she brought it up several sessions ago. I could certainly stand to be more mentally healthy, and I feel like I sort of plateaued in my CBT work, with occasional regressions and returns to stasis. It even occurred to me that maybe, perhaps, possibly there might be a long shot that I could become just a little less dependent on medication for stability. Meh, you never know. Hope seldom hurts and sometimes helps. At any rate, I like poking fun at the idea of getting resourced because it sounds vaguely like I've joined a cult religion. So, hell yeah, let's do it!

Specific childhood trauma events have never really been a focus of my therapy. My former T was all about the here and now, with the past only figuring inasmuch as it affected the big picture. My new T, as an EMDR practitioner, naturally feels that specific childhood trauma events are precisely what is blocking my therapeutic progress because, duh, I haven't processed them.

The thing is, since I've started thinking about EMDR targets I'm feeling pretty destabilized. Up, down, mixed. If you don't like my mood, check back in an hour.

This destabilization might suggest that I'm not so much ready to process this crap. And I have memory blanks you could drive a truck through; is it really going to be therapeutic for me to get in the damn truck? But if I'm not ready now, then when? Wouldn't these feelings simply return once I go to tackle the prep work again? And have I already gone too far down this road to stop now anyway?

If you've read this far, thanks, you're just the sort of person I was hoping to meet at this forum.

Good luck with your new t and welcome
I tried CBT too, it worked for a while but then everything went back to the way it was, maybe you just cant teach an old dog new tricks.
I think that only you know when you are or will be ready to process these feelings associated with the emdr and remember take your time with it, the memories and feelings will still be there and ready to process but in the mean time you need to look after yourself

Hello and welcome!

Hello, Rapid. Welcome. First, I'm glad you're doing well and that your BP is well managed. I have a history of problems with depression and anxiety. So, I cannot personally relate to BPI but can relate to the depression part. However, I used to think I'd never be better and never be off of medicine. I'm here to say that I have been free from medication for a year. So, you never know.

You will find a variety of opinions on EMDR on here (and elsewhere). Me, I am a proponent of EMDR. My T uses EMDR as part of her psychotherapy toolkit. I have done EMDR maybe 5 times. I actually just did EMDR in my last session two weeks ago. I have found it to be very helpful and effective for me the times that I have done it. However, I don't necessarily enjoy it. It is hard, a bit emotional, and a bit odd, for lack of a better word. Sitting and "talking" with my T is much more easy and fun. When I have subjects that just are really difficult to overcome, though, EMDR has really helped me move past that item that is blocking me. I guess I would say that it really speeds up the process of processing.

I am wondering why you are already thinking of "EMDR targets," though, especially since you are finding it upsetting. I know that every T has their own way of doing things. For me, the topics on which I use EMDR are topics, as I said, that are just hard for me to move through and past in therapy. So, the reason I did EMDR last week was because there was a topic a week before that T and I had discussed a number of times. I was having little improvement in that area; so, T said, "Let's do EMDR on that next session." It did help. It really does help speed up the processing. However, I don't recommend just worrying about what you are going to handle with EMDR. That does not seem to be helpful for you right now.

I can't speak for you, but EMDR, used appropriately and discriminately, has been very helpful for me. It really does intensify but speed up processing. For instance, one thing I did EMDR over bothered me since it happened 20 years ago. When I think about it now, it is not distressing to me, and it has not seemed distressing since I discussed it and then did EMDR over it about a year ago.

I'm starting grad school to be a T, and when I graduate, I plan to become certified in EMDR 1, as I believe it can be invaluable.

Again, welcome to this forum, and I hope you find the support that you are looking for on here.

Welcome! and good luck with your new t. take your time and take care of yourself!

Liefs
Bloem

Welcome!!! I have a psychodynamic T and a CBT T, and I never could have tolerated the cbt without years of regular therapy first. Both have their strong points.

I've never done emdr so I look forward to reading your posts!!

Hi and welcome! I have bipolar type 1, as well. Sent you a friend request. I just started with a new T...take care and come see us in the bipolar forum, too.

Hey all, thanks for the welcomes and hugs. I appreciate it. It's weird going from forum old salt to newbie (especially while my posts are still in the quarantine phase)!

I will certainly take things with the new T relatively slow. I have to remind myself that, however much I like her, this is a new relationship. She's only just getting to know my quirks and poker tells and sense of humor, whereas my old T and I had a total shorthand going on. It certainly made communication easier not having to fill in all that backstory.

Content, it's good to hear that you've had positive experiences with EMDR. Congrats on grad school! And as far as relating to one another's DX, we all struggle more or less with the same challenge--chemical imbalance--we just each express ours differently. But humans like categorizing things, and doctors like categorizing units within categories, so we have the DSM.

I was thinking about EMDR targets because that's the homework I was given by my T. She wanted me to just identify some snapshot memories so that we could find a place to begin to process. I have some bothersome themes that need to be broken into component parts. She did warn to stop if the memories became particularly distressing outside of the therapy environment, but it's kind of tough to shut it down at will. I might not have the skills yet.

Saw the new T early this morning, before work, and this was the first day using what I call her magic beans for bilateral stimulation. We weren't yet doing any trauma work. We were just resourcing me for the road ahead. Still, it kind of rocked my whole day emotionally. I wish I could see her after work, but she only has morning appointments.

It's difficult to truly scrutinize your life for protective and nurturing figures and stare down the fact that you've seldom if ever felt particularly safe or unconditionally loved. After thinking for an infernal length of time, spelunking the deepest recesses of my brain for other, more emotionally available options, I finally settled on my former, now-retired T as my "nurturing presence," which is kind of sad given that we had a professional relationship that can't be continued outside that environment.

I thought I already understood the depth of my loneliness, but I think I reached a new low during this exercise. Afterward I went to my office and did my best to keep interactions to a minimum. I felt a little too raw to reliably mask my feelings.

And this is the easy part of the journey, right?

Is it too pitiful to bump my own thread? Generally speaking, one of my weak spots is asking for what I need, so this is a bold and assertive move for which I should be applauded! I'm lonely*, damn it, and my post was about to slop over onto page 3, which might have consigned it to a netherworld of doom. So I thought I'd give everyone another awesome, valuable opportunity to make me feel less alone.

*see above

Does this neediness make me look fat?

welcome!