[Favorite Jeans]

So I'm not sure what I need here... Maybe just some assurance that some of you have been there and lived to tell the tale? Nudge me to take care of things like the adult I pretend to be?

I think I've been in a bit (or a lot) of denial about how much I've been ignoring some crucial areas of my life. This is my pattern: I either neglect big stuff because I'm depressed or I get anxious and depressed because of the pileup of stuff I've ignored.

Right now there's some big financial stuff that's coming to back to bite me in the butt because I've avoided and avoided it for so long. It's not the first time I've had this kind of problem but I think it's the first time I've had it so badly. Don't know if it's my depression or just feeling so overwhelmed by everything that I have just stuck my head in the sand...

I have talked to T about it some and she's been helpful and nice but I am really just too ashamed to admit the extent of it. I feel really dumb too because this is a problem that I've totally just brought on myself, if I'd dealt with it properly over the last few years there wouldn't be a problem. I just get totally frozen with fear and a sense that I'm incompetent when it comes to money.

Also I have this persistent sense that I've been bad (not, like, in the sense of naughty fun... just super guilty about everything) and that if people find out I'll be punished. I have an overwhelming fear of the people I need to communicate with in order to deal with this issue. I am just about panic stricken. I feel like I'm not competent to live my life, you know?

I know I need to talk about it some more with T but frankly I'd rather, I dunno, rehash the rape than deal with this. It's unreasonable but I feel like she'll decide she hates me when she figures out how much I suck. Like I've managed to hide it successfully for two years but once she sees what a horrible mess I am she'll kick me out. Or she won't kick me out but she'll know I'm gross and awful and be mean or pitying or something. It's irrational I know: she's not mean and while I've irresponsible, it's not like I've become an ax murderer or child molester or anything. But it obviously isn't the kind of fear that responds to reason...

[unaluna]

Only two years? Did I read that right? That is hardly enough time to create a really serious financial problem. It's probably still reasonably fixable. Ts love this stuff - they can actually really help with this. I'm guessing you had an impatient parent who expected you to be perfect? Who is still haunting you? Good news, the rest of the world isnt like that.

[feralkittymom]

I think more people than not have some sort of task in their lives that they avoid and then feel overwhelmed by. And for women, financial matters often score high on that list because of the secrecy that surrounds financial matters in our society. Lots of taboos and shame there to go around. I don't know your age, but there's also a generational attitude that can play its part.

All the messages we received growing up about money and decision-making and our competency or lack thereof reveal themselves in the most inconvenient ways. And then the shame and overwhelming feelings and avoidance kick in.

It may be worth thinking about hiring a third party to straighten things out. It helps to take the emotionality out of it, and the people who do this for a living aren't interested in judging you, nor will they be surprised by whatever the circumstances are. And certainly if it involves taxes it's better to get representation and be pro-active in settling things.

[Littlemeinside]

Originally Posted by hankster

Only two years? Did I read that right? That is hardly enough time to create a really serious financial problem. It's probably still reasonably fixable. Ts love this stuff - they can actually really help with this. I'm guessing you had an impatient parent who expected you to be perfect? Who is still haunting you? Good news, the rest of the world isnt like that.

How long does creating financial problems usually take?....

Originally Posted by hankster

Only two years? Did I read that right? That is hardly enough time to create a really serious financial problem. It's probably still reasonably fixable. Ts love this stuff - they can actually really help with this. I'm guessing you had an impatient parent who expected you to be perfect? Who is still haunting you? Good news, the rest of the world isnt like that.

You give me my cards with my credit restored back to its original limits and I could create a really serious financial problem in 1-2 days, promise.

[Labradorite23]

Hi Fav/Jeans,

I do this very same thing. I currently am recovering form such an avoiding money/responsibility episode. Only partly, due to another looming issue of debt (school) that I can't seem to face/is tied up in so much anger and loss/history.

It does help to have an outsider look at your situation. I have had this through my boyfriend and it helps (he deals with accounting/money matters/banks etc, through his job). I throw tantrums regarding making a phone call because it is so beyond me... but what I have learned (when I can make the effort) is contacting and calling those you owe money makes them less mad at you. They don't want you to default and the contact shows effort on your part (I know easier said than done sometimes).

As for your T reaction, I also understand thinking they could be mad/annoyed/ etc... but most likely they are going to want to know more of the why you got to this crisis (secretly) to begin with.

[unaluna]

Hey - we said we're underfunctioning! No doot aboot it, you youngsters know shortcuts?

[Favorite Jeans]

Hey thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. Just to clarify, I've been in therapy about two years, the tax problem is a little older.
Thanks for the suggestion about hiring a third party. I think I'll try to get on that today. It would be a huge relief to put all this in the hands of a competent person. Of course it's hard to get over my worry about being judged by them, even as I realize they likely see this all the time and I'm not at the centre of their universe but I think finally my freaking out about looming deadlines is worse than my fear that they'll judge me.
Your support is really helpful!

[unaluna]

I'm sorry if it seemed I was making light of your problem. That is simply the sound of relief. It was a burden I put on myself because of my past. It really does have two components (at least). Once you fix the financial, there may still be more to do in t about it. Best wishes.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by hankster

I'm sorry if it seemed I was making light of your problem. That is simply the sound of relief. It was a burden I put on myself because of my past. It really does have two components (at least). Once you fix the financial, there may still be more to do in t about it. Best wishes.

You're right.
I am honestly practically excited to get to therapy part once the financial is fixed. Seriously, I'd love to talk about my feelings and the possible origins of my dysfunctional pattern--compared to calling the person on my case at the revenue agency it'll be a real piece of cake!
I wasn't offended. Any room for humor here is a plus for me.

[tinyrabbit]

Short on words right now but wanting to leave (((hugs)))

[content30]

Favorite, I've been there, and I'm here to tell you that you can get through it and overcome with it. It was one of the hardest things for me to tell T. I felt embarrassed and like a failure. I was even mildly defensive. I felt shame. I completely understand. I ruined myself financially over the course of 5 years. I accumulated debt I didn't need.

Here is my advice: 1. Ask for help. Talk to your T, your friends, and your family. When I was depressed and anxious, I had my grandfather manage my finances for me for about a year. He consolidated and paid for me. Then, I paid him back. This kept me from accumulating interest. If you don't have family that can help, seek out some type of service...a non-profit. Literally, my family opened my mail and paid my bills for me. I had let my mail pile up like crazy!I also gave them my credit cards. My mother and sister helped me clean and do laundry. I could not handle anything for a long time...but that was ok. Everything felt impossible and insurmountable. It is ok to accept and ask for help! It was for a season of my life. I needed that help. 2. Work through your issues in therapy. The biggest help will be healing. Once my depression and anxiety lifted, I was able to take my finances back over. I have been handling them for a year now, am still debt-free, and have savings and investments to boot. You can do this. I promise! I also keep an immaculate home now. It's been redecorated and is always clean. Anyone could stop by anytime, and I'd be proud to show them around. Again, this is a total 180 and was only able to happen because I worked through my issues in therapy and accepted help when I needed it.

Favorite, please don't be hard on yourself. You are dealing with an illness. It's ok...it will be ok. Ask for and accept help. You will be able to come back from this!

[Favorite Jeans]

Content, thank you. All of you have been so lovely and have made me feel a little better and given me the push to deal with this.