Another thread and a conversation I had with t this week got me staring this thread. T said I have higher than the average empathy. I always think how others would feel before I say and do something.
T said this is why I suffer so many aches and pains because I store other people's pain too. She said most people never think about how something will affect anyone else. I wonder is this why I have depression and anxiety and endless aches. I would like to stop having so much but I am not sure how.
I always let others comments and moods bother me and affect my own moods and I wish I didn't but I can't stop. T told me that I just need to learn to block people out and to learn that what others say is their problem not mine. I am trying this new approach but people don't like the new me, the me that stands up for myself. The me that won't let anyone control her, the me that won't tolerate bullying or controlling behaviour.
T said that there is a transition period once our behaviour changes, a period of adjustment and people generally don't like a new attitude if they have been abusing you: which a lot of people do and t said I gave them permission to abuse me but now I have to take back that power again. I don't know what I am hoping for by writing this but it is helping to clear my head .

[Asiablue]

I was once told by a therapist that once i started the journey to emotional wellness to expect to lose people in the process because people don't like change and they don't like when others around them become healthy and/or can't be manipulated anymore.
That has been true to an extent. I haven't lost people per se but the relationships have changed not for the better... however i have found the courage to protect myself better from these people and that has made my life better, easier to live with myself, calmer.

When you begin to build your protective, healthier boundaries you won't lose your empathy for others but you will realise your needs are equally if not more important. Think of it as self care, you need to save yourself before you can save others otherwise you'll drown too.

[0w6c379]

I am appalled by this statement from your T "She said most people never think about how something will affect anyone else." I did not find that to be the case, most of my life. However, I've seen that kind of mentality in recent years. I've now been hurt beyond belief. How callous and obnoxious it is. Unfortunately, I am beginning to think that the "nice people" of the world need to learn to be cruel and heartless if they are to survive. I don't like saying that but it seems to me that it is the way to go. I don't know if I can do it.

[content30]

Hmmm...I guess I'm confused. It's good to have empathy and worry how your a toons affect others, but only to an extent. You do need to guard your own heart and mind and set healthy boundaries. You are not responsible for others' happiness, but we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and care to some extent. It is a delicate balancing act for sure.

[purplejell]

I can totally relate to the empathy thing monalisasmile. I think "too much empathy" can sometimes mean losing yourself and your own perspective because you're so busy thinking and feeling what others do. I think it is definitely a boundary issue, and being able to choose when to step back and check in with yourself on what you are thinking and feeling. Great that you are making these changes, although it is hard when people don't like the "new you".

[1stepatatime]

First off....you are by nature a very warm person....that is a quality. Having said that, never let others drain you...and often it is unintentional. I have learned over the years that sometimes it is okay to be selfish, yup...I said it. Selfish meaning taking good self care, not allowing toxic people into your life, to establish boundaries so that you are not emotionally drained by others...just being aware of your own needs and honoring them. Sounds like you are on the right path

[Favorite Jeans]

When you start to change it's as though you and the people in your life were playing a board game and all of a sudden the rules are different and they don't like it at all. But the good people will stick around and figure out new ways to play. I want to say that it's no great loss about the ones who don't stick around but losing people you care about, even if they aren't good to you, IS a loss and it can feel quite sad to let go of them.
Managing your empathy is a tough skill when you have a lot of it. I think that if you're able to have empathy for yourself too, it becomes easier to recognize when your sensitivity to other people's issues is causing you harm.
Have you checked out Elaine Aron's work about highly sensitive people?

[feralkittymom]

I think there's a difference between weakened ego strength and empathy. Empathy is an emotional reaction that is fundamentally about the other person, not the self. The emotion flows outward. It seems like being overly negatively effected by others' emotions/circumstances is about the self, with the emotion flowing inward.

Thats more like codependency issues. Empathy we empathise, but we don't loose ourselves to another person. We don't carry their aches & pains.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I was once told by a therapist that once i started the journey to emotional wellness to expect to lose people in the process because people don't like change and they don't like when others around them become healthy and/or can't be manipulated anymore.
That has been true to an extent. I haven't lost people per se but the relationships have changed not for the better... however i have found the courage to protect myself better from these people and that has made my life better, easier to live with myself, calmer.

When you begin to build your protective, healthier boundaries you won't lose your empathy for others but you will realise your needs are equally if not more important. Think of it as self care, you need to save yourself before you can save others otherwise you'll drown too.

Thanks Asia,
I think you are right with the healthy boundaries, its a first step. I think that this is where I have the most problem is because I have a boundary line now where as I didn't before. People don't like the fact that I am not readily available or that instead of letting them walk all over me or abuse me, now I name it and tell them what they are doing and they don't like it.

Originally Posted by Michelle25

I am appalled by this statement from your T "She said most people never think about how something will affect anyone else." I did not find that to be the case, most of my life. However, I've seen that kind of mentality in recent years. I've now been hurt beyond belief. How callous and obnoxious it is. Unfortunately, I am beginning to think that the "nice people" of the world need to learn to be cruel and heartless if they are to survive. I don't like saying that but it seems to me that it is the way to go. I don't know if I can do it.

I don't think the kind need to be cruel and heartless to survive because that would not be true to yourself. I think some people don't know how to be kind because because they have never experienced kindness from another. i am sorry that you were hurt so badly, I hope you don't let your past color your future though

Originally Posted by content30

Hmmm...I guess I'm confused. It's good to have empathy and worry how your a toons affect others, but only to an extent. You do need to guard your own heart and mind and set healthy boundaries. You are not responsible for others' happiness, but we all have to take responsibility for our own actions and care to some extent. It is a delicate balancing act for sure.

it is a balancing act and I guess its an act of balancing our own needs with the needs of others. I always used to out others before myself. T even pointed this out to me in session. We both went to start a sentence at the same time and I motioned to her to go a head and she said why? i said because mine didn't matter, it wasn't important and she said, what makes you think mine was more important. I just presumed it was more important.

Originally Posted by purplejell

I can totally relate to the empathy thing monalisasmile. I think "too much empathy" can sometimes mean losing yourself and your own perspective because you're so busy thinking and feeling what others do. I think it is definitely a boundary issue, and being able to choose when to step back and check in with yourself on what you are thinking and feeling. Great that you are making these changes, although it is hard when people don't like the "new you".

thanks purplejell, I hope the people who love me for being me will stick around but its a chance I am willing to take at the moment.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

First off....you are by nature a very warm person....that is a quality. Having said that, never let others drain you...and often it is unintentional. I have learned over the years that sometimes it is okay to be selfish, yup...I said it. Selfish meaning taking good self care, not allowing toxic people into your life, to establish boundaries so that you are not emotionally drained by others...just being aware of your own needs and honoring them. Sounds like you are on the right path

Thanks !step, you are not so bad yourself lol
I am on a mission to stake all of the emotional vampires one by one.
Toxic people is a word that keeps popping up lately, I guess I should listen to that more.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

When you start to change it's as though you and the people in your life were playing a board game and all of a sudden the rules are different and they don't like it at all. But the good people will stick around and figure out new ways to play. I want to say that it's no great loss about the ones who don't stick around but losing people you care about, even if they aren't good to you, IS a loss and it can feel quite sad to let go of them.
Managing your empathy is a tough skill when you have a lot of it. I think that if you're able to have empathy for yourself too, it becomes easier to recognize when your sensitivity to other people's issues is causing you harm.
Have you checked out Elaine Aron's work about highly sensitive people?

I
Hey FJ, I have never read that book, is it good? it is a book that has been mentioned to me before. I meant to get it but I already have about twenty books to read before college starts at end of September.
I have just started to care for myself and cut myself some slack so I am realising how much of myself I gave away especially to my ex. I sacrificed my whole being for her, I realise that was my choice but I never thought I had a choice with anything before but now I have so many options and choices. I am still struggling with trying to be kind to myself well trying to be as kind to myself as I am to others.
The other night in work, I had a terrible back ache and so did my co worker, she noticed I was walking funny and asked what happened I told her I had hurt my back. She said she had hurt hers too, so I said ohh you poor thing, I went and got her some pain killers my last two and goit her a glass of water. I insisted on doing to heavy work and she said, why sure you have a sore back too but I forgot about mine.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think there's a difference between weakened ego strength and empathy. Empathy is an emotional reaction that is fundamentally about the other person, not the self. The emotion flows outward. It seems like being overly negatively effected by others' emotions/circumstances is about the self, with the emotion flowing inward.

Hmmm, tat is interesting. Can you emplain some more as I am not sure I understand fully?

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Thats more like codependency issues. Empathy we empathise, but we don't loose ourselves to another person. We don't carry their aches & pains.

I beg to differ Mouse. co dependency is baout a need to control others, empathy is not about controlling just feeling what others feel
Are You an Empath? The Truth about Your Sensitivity

[Favorite Jeans]

MLS Elaine Aron's website is The Highly Sensitive Person you can get the gist of it from there and then check out the books if you're still interested / when you have time. (Like almost every self-helpy book I've ever read, the important parts could be condensed into about 20-30 pages and the rest is fluff and perseveration on the initial points. They all start to lose me when the get into case studies and the author uses each one as an example of what a brilliant therapist she is.)
What I like about her work is that it reframes a sensitive temperament as something that can be very positive (similarly Susan Cain does this with respect to introversion in her book Quiet). Eg crying easily can be a marker of someone who is sincere and caring and if you lose the shame about it you can tear up in public with a lot of dignity rather than feel embarrassed or hate yourself for it.
Re: my earlier point, I guess you can't have empathy for yourself, the word I was looking for is "compassion."

Mona, codependency is not just about a need to control others have you not heard the say 'when a person drowns their life flashes before their eyes. When a codependent drowns, everyone's else's life flashes before their eyes. It stems from not having had your needs met as a child and learning its not ok to have needs so you become the caretaker of others.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

MLS Elaine Aron's website is The Highly Sensitive Person you can get the gist of it from there and then check out the books if you're still interested / when you have time. (Like almost every self-helpy book I've ever read, the important parts could be condensed into about 20-30 pages and the rest is fluff and perseveration on the initial points. They all start to lose me when the get into case studies and the author uses each one as an example of what a brilliant therapist she is.)
What I like about her work is that it reframes a sensitive temperament as something that can be very positive (similarly Susan Cain does this with respect to introversion in her book Quiet). Eg crying easily can be a marker of someone who is sincere and caring and if you lose the shame about it you can tear up in public with a lot of dignity rather than feel embarrassed or hate yourself for it.
Re: my earlier point, I guess you can't have empathy for yourself, the word I was looking for is "compassion."

Thank you for the link to the website FJ,
You are right about her turning it into something positive. After reading the short bit on the website I could actually be a HSP and it exlains a lot and I like the way she says it's ok, everything we are is ok. We are not too sensitive, we shouldn't be ashamed of it. I get this a lot at home and in work, where people say hurtful things and when I react they blame it in me saying I am too sensitive. As a child I was excruciatingly shy(still am a bit) and I found myself needing to be alone a lot and feeling like I had to hide my emotions. I would cry at films or songs on the radio or if I seen someone being hurt or bullied. This explains a lot, thank you I still get overwhelmed in work with people and their emotions.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Mona, codependency is not just about a need to control others have you not heard the say 'when a person drowns their life flashes before their eyes. When a codependent drowns, everyone's else's life flashes before their eyes. It stems from not having had your needs met as a child and learning its not ok to have needs so you become the caretaker of others.

Haha, no I have never heard that Mouse!
I see what you are saying but co dependency is not what I am doing, I am not trying to rescue people or trying to save them by controlling them. I am just feeling their pain too much and bottling it up inside me. I need to find a healthy way to release it and my own pain.

[Marsdotter]

Even just being aware that we are taking on another's pain can be challenging, sometimes it just sneaks up on me and I don't know I'm doing it or that something will affect me as much as it does. Start ruminating about something or other at 3 AM for instance, that isn't mine to worry about.

I'm OK with being affected BTW, I think the world needs more people like us frankly! But yes sometimes it gets to be too much and a person has to make sure they are taking care of themselves first.

Originally Posted by Marsdotter

Even just being aware that we are taking on another's pain can be challenging, sometimes it just sneaks up on me and I don't know I'm doing it or that something will affect me as much as it does. Start ruminating about something or other at 3 AM for instance, that isn't mine to worry about.

I'm OK with being affected BTW, I think the world needs more people like us frankly! But yes sometimes it gets to be too much and a person has to make sure they are taking care of themselves first.

The 3Am thing sucks, my time is 5 AM, I asked t about that before and she said there is a reason you keep waking at that time. I looked it up online and it is about my health a warning.
I think the world needs more HSP too Mars, the more understanding we give each other the better.