[purplejell]

So my therapist is away right now and I saw the fill-in person. I've seen her several times before when my therapist has gone away. I've been going through some really intense stuff and really wanted support from fill-in T. There were a lot of disconnects in the session and I ended up dissociating a lot. She said one of her other clients finds it helps to hold her hand. She was already sitting there with her hand out, and I didn't know if I was OK with it, but didn't want to leave her hanging. So I let her hold my hand. It all happened really fast.

Sometimes my current T does hold my hand, but only after YEARS of working together and major trust building. And she doesn't do it unless she is 100% sure she has the OK from me. If she's not sure, she won't.

I really wish I had said no because this time it made me feel nauseous and triggered CSA stuff for me. I just wanted to run out of there. Now it's so hard to be sitting with all this because normally I could process it with my regular T. I didn't sleep till 3am the night after the session.

I don't know how I can ever tell fill-in T what happened... or if I can handle seeing her again (we have one more appointment). Hard to think of her as a safe person. I feel like throwing up every time I think about it (which is one of my signals for trauma memories). Somehow I feel like it will hurt her feelings, or I feel a sense of shame, like I did something wrong (which is also related to how I've been triggered). Or I feel like what it triggered is too deep for a substitute T (she doesn't know about my history of CSA).

Not sure what I'm asking for... any thoughts, feedback, being able to relate? Would you tell fill-in T what happened for you? How do you feel about touch in therapy and what the parameters are for you?

[stopdog]

I would certainly tell the therapist not to touch me. I might tell her why and I might not, I don't think she is owed an explanation. A simple "I don't want to be touched" should be sufficient.

[growlycat]

You could temper that statement a bit by saying...."It was a kind gesture last time when you held my hand but it triggers me and I prefer not to do that today"

[Victoria'smom]

"I'm really uncomfortable today and I didn't know if I should come today because holding my hand made me feel unsafe."

Definitely tell her. It would be a great opportunity for you to express a personal boundary in what is presumably a safe environment. That could be very healing in its own way.

Touch is very personal, especially if you have had a bad experience in the past. My therapist hugs and holds onto me a lot and it's very healing because she always asks permission, but I would never in a million years let another therapist touch me at all, so I totally understand where you're coming from on this issue.

[tinyrabbit]

Definitely tell her. I've seen another T while mine was away and found it hard as I wanted to continue my process but couldn't - I kept dissociating as well. Hopefully you can work through this with her.

[purplejell]

Thanks for the feedback everyone... I think it's not so much that I'm worried she will touch me again... it's just how triggered I am makes it hard to go back. And if I didn't say anything, it would probably be hard to have the session at all because I'd be acting so weirded out. Really makes me realize how much trust and safety I've built with my regular T... that I don't dissociate nearly as much with her now... and with her, touch has been incredibly healing. I think it's just a matter of having that foundation. And when you don't, it's harder to repair things.

[Jdog123]

When my T was out for her mother's funeral, she had a colleague on call for her. This coincided with a really rough time for me (some of which was, admittedly, the unpredictable schedule my T and I had been having since her mom was in the hospital, but also things going on in my life). She gave me the name of the colleague covering for her if I needed to talk on the phone. I did end up calling her because I was hurting/struggling. I wasn't suicidal or anything, but just in pain. So we started talking and she asked me if I was suicidal--I get that this is normal even though I said nothing of the sort. But then she asked me if I was homicidal!!!??? This really flipped me out because while I have self-harmed, attempted suicide, and had suicidal thoughts I have NEVER wanted to harm another person. I hung up shortly after. I told this colleague to let me tell my T what we'd talked about. So I did and said how confusing and upsetting this was for me. Two weeks later they had a memorial service for T's mom out of state and even though this colleague was on call for her, she gave me the name/number of another colleague should I need it. I did and talking to this person was much better. Long story short, see if there is another colleague as I can understand how one thing can throw someone off so that it's not safe talking w/ them.