T can't save me

Thank you. I'm sorry I'm such high maintenance.

Yes and she's a doctor and would ask me exactly what I needed and would know how much it costed

If you didn't answer her questions, would she really cut you off? Something tells me she wouldn't. She emotionally needs you around as a punching bag, at least I don't think she would cut you off. I think you have more power in this situation than you think.

You could ignore the tantrums she pulls.

I probably do. She just threatens and I get scared. She's so unpredictable I don't know when she is serious.

She's emailed me 13 times since 10pm.

My phone blows up and I start panicking

Understood. Hang in there!!! Just explore your options, stay open, ignore the empty threats. Talk again soon. I promised cbt t I would exercise every day--off to the gym!!

I already failed so it doesn't matter at this point.

Have fun!

You have allowed us to see close up what can happen with your mother. Thank you.

In what way do you see yourself as having failed?

Thank you for wanting to see that. It's all just overkill and I need to get a hold of myself.

I already ruined my 4 day streak.

The four-day streak was a fine accomplishment. You can start again.

Part of change is the fact that there will be times of falling back. Falling back occurs in the process of change and does not automatically mean failure.

My life is moving too fast. I have homework to do and I can't stop thinking about sui. Trying to quit again seems pointless because I'm just going to try and fail again. I just want to escape and I don't see another way.

This is what talking to her does to me. It kills me.

Yes I see that. It is heartbreaking to me that a mother drives her daughter to thoughts of sui. I wish things could be different, so different, for you.

What do you need to do now to keep yourself safe?

I don't know. I have to make myself do this homework but it's so hard to do that when I can't stop wishing my mom aborted me like she wished she did after I was born. She could be a cardiologist like she always wanted and I would be at peace.

Those thoughts must be so painful, excruciating. I'm sorry. Maybe it would be a good time to try that crisischat.org line?

I can't get connected to anyone.

Ah that is so often the problem.

I'm debating calling the number. I just aggressively hate phones

There is RAINN, the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network, they have phones and online, rainn.org, but they are more focused on sexual assault I think.

There is always the Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK.

Have you tried going to this chat site for support?

CrisisChat - Home

Here is a site that gives a variety of information for those in dire need for support and understanding. Please do check into them asap!
USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.

Gentle hugs to you!

Would my problem even qualify to talk to RAINN? I wasn't sexually abused.

I know about lifeline. I am hesitant to call it. I always think there someone else out there literally in danger of committing sui and I'd just be tying up the line.

That was why I hesitated, I don't know if they cover nonsexual abuse even though they have abuse in their name.

The lifeline has a rollover feature. If let's say you are speaking to someone there, and another call comes in, that call would be forwarded to another center. So in all probability every call does reach a listener.

But then I have to talk to someone and hear them think my problem is just overkill. At least I don't have to verbally hear you guys on PC.

You mean they would say that your problem isn't big enough to talk to them?

Yeah. I hardly feel like my problem is big enough to talk about here

Well then are you okay for tonight? There will be time tomorrow to think more about it.