T can't save me

There are also student loans.

Student loans for my off campus rent? I don't think so. There is literally no way I could pay my rent alone. Well, if I won an orchestra job or suddenly millions of gigs started popping up like tomorrow but there is no way in hell that will happen. 0% chance.

I know we went through this in your last thread and I'll give up after this, I promise. But please recognize that you are not trapped or helpless and if you can stop LOOKING for reasons not to help yourself, things might improve for you dramatically.

A Stafford loan can be used to pay rent. Can I get a student loan to pay my rent? - College Confidential

I didn't know that

College Confidential is an excellent resource. My suggestion would be to describe your situation on the Parents Forum there and/or the Financial Aid forum. There are many knowledgeable and helpful people on both forums.

So your thinking is that IP is profoundly disruptive for you. This means that keeping yourself safe, protecting yourself from people sending you there involuntarily, is an exceedingly high priority.

Good work! This type of constructive step is what is needed. Taking charge of your future, rather than allowing your parents to implicitly or explicitly block the possibilities.

For example, I recall you stating that you arranged to be away from your parents for Thanksgiving. That is another constructive step that you arranged.

Think seriously about T. If you begin to think that she isn't enough, then talk to people about other possibilities. For example, you mentioned that someone at your school proposed DBT. Consider looking into that idea seriously and seeing what you think.

Sometimes our toxic families are the cause of all our mental distress, and they're not worth dying for ...

What would happen if you kicked them to the curb instead of fretting over them kicking you to the curb?

Totally emancipating yourself?

That's what I had to do with my family, and it literally saved my life.

I'm not saying it was easy, but ...

Just another angle to consider.

I'm 20 years old. I don't need to get emancipated.

I know that I need to get my parents out of my life. I'm working on that. But that really isn't the issue here. The problem is that I don't want to go IP because it is terrifying and traumatizing to me. Last time I was IP, my social worker had me released early because I was so upset the whole time that I was not in a good place to make progress. I'm not even sure my situation is dire enough to need IP. I'm just not responding to the treatment my T is currently providing.

The issue was also getting another therapist with more experience who will be around longer.

Emancipation is about more than just being over 18. It is about being FREE. From where I sit, it appears you DO need to be emancipated. Desperately. Obviously I could be totally wrong and you are free to choose for yourself.

Yes. That is also part of the issue.

No, you are totally right. I don't know how I am supposed to heal until I get rid of them. I'm just so overwhelmed at the idea of taking over my life financially that doing so feels impossible at this point. I need to emotionally stabilize more and then start slowly finding out how to do that with the help of some people irl. Telling me to cut them out right now is extremely overwhelming.

Do you guys think I should go IP?

Its hard to make that judgement when i dont know you, but no, I don't. It doesn't sound like it helped you last time. Try to find ways to cope - focus on your music, since that seems to help and distract you. Do you have particular pieces that are meaningful to you, that you could listen to when you feel bad? When things are not good, try setting yourself a goal of getting through, say, an hour without SI. Living an hour at a time, or even a minute when things are very bad, is a good coping strategy.

Try to focus on the present, and your goal of getting your degree. Take your meds. Talk to your T and your dean about whether you can see a more experienced T. You never know what might be possible unless you ask.

Take care of yourself. Be nice to yourself.

I do. The problem is that I'm not wired to immediately turn to listening to music when I am all wired up like that. If I do, I usually come down again and regain control. It's just a matter of getting myself to remember to do that when I am in a crisis. I instinctively turn to self harm right now.

I'm just trying to get through the night without cutting. If I manage to do that, then I can tell my T that I haven't cut since my last session (which was Tues) which I haven't been able to say yet this year. I know my roommates are upset with me because I left a dirty dish out (rolls eyes) but I'm about to go get my prescription filled and hopefully be able to go to sleep. It will be so nice to sleep through the night. It's been so long.

Sounds like you are on the right track. I understand how hard it is to make yourself focus on something ordinary when you are wound up. Just try to keep at the back of your mind that thee are things you can do to distract yourself from SI.

You can get through the night without SI. I'm rooting for you! Hope the meds help.

If you go into the hospital, they should have on site social workers who could help you determine your options.

MA is VERY generous---I actually moved back there at one point after being laid off and my unemployment ran out while I was vigorously freelancing and interviewing.

If you don't have an income, heathcare is essentially free. Food stamps are easy to get. I hated the idea of public assistance but you never know what will happen--after being on the food stamps program only one month, I got this job out here.

You don't know what will happen, no one does.

I went to college in ma a million years ago. Have you ever looked into mass rehab?
Contact Us

the name is misleading--nothing to do w/substance abuse--it is a state agency/program and I have known people w/psych issues who got all kinds of support even school funding from them. You are living in the best state for this stuff. It doesn't hurt to research research research and ask t for practical help.

I can ask her. I just don't want to miss so much time from school and music. If there is outpatient rehab, I'd be more open to the idea. Do you really feel like impatient is necessary?

Mass rehab is not a hospital. It is an umbrella agency that can connect you to the resources you would need to live on your own. There are many programs that fall under this state agency and it would help if someone could help guide you. State agencies can be bueracratic hell, but once you get funding, you are in.

Some hospitals have day programs but you go back to your own place at night. You might miss a week or 2 of school. And your mom can't treat you any worse than she already does.

Another thing to consider---mclean's hospital is in belmont ma right on the T line---they may have a free study you could join (sometimes paying studies) in which they give you free care for a short term period of time. Not ideal, but it is another resource.

McLean Hospital | Research : Clinical Trials

This one doesn't offer treatment but pays 350 bucks and it looks mostly web based (if you have bpd)
McLean Hospital | Clinical Trials : Research Study Recruitment

I don't have BPD. I have a few symptoms of it, but not nearly enough for a diagnosis.

And this is what I mean by partial outpatient programs
McLean Hospital | : Patient Care

Partial hospitalization - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

They have a study for just about any issue you could have.

Have you ever been officially diagnosed at all I wonder?

Thank you for continuing to brainstorm with (or for me). This line stood out to me. You're right. She can't. I mean she could start beating me again, but if she did that, I have no doubt that I wouldn't get triggered and ultimately put her in the hospital. So she wouldn't do that.

I have an official diagnosis for ADHD. I haven't been officially diagnosed for anything else. My pdoc and T speculate that I have PTSD/c-PTSD. My T said she does not think I have BPD. She thinks that I am working through lots of trauma and I haven't figured out how to manage being triggered. Do you think I have BPD?

Having said that, why not use her insurance? It may be worth it. A partial hospital program may even allow you to keep going to school. See what your T thinks. Pretty sure Brigham & women's has a partial program too.