[Yobeth]

Hi, saw my T today. She gave me the option of either using my self injury weapon (as she calls it) and stop seeing her or throw it away and continue therapy.

I know I need to throw it away and I want to continue seeing her but can't seem to just take it and throw it away. I feel I need a slower approach. A 2 or 3 step plan would be nice. Thought of just picking a day, putting it in a place hard to get to and then maybe a week later throwing it away. I do not self injury on a daily basis. Only when it's really stressful. Can go many months without SI.

Sorry I did not put this in Self Injury folder, but tried and only got 2 responses. Would really like to hear how anyone with an addiction (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or self injury) stopped. Really need some ideas. Need to tell her my plan next week.

Thanks for your help!!

[tealBumblebee]

Thats a pretty bold contract. Only problem with that is, i'm sure thats not the only thing you can use to self injure. So not really sure how that plan is going to work. However, I think a 2 or 3 step plan should be acceptable because you are making the choice to see her! Good luck. Update us on her response!

Wow..an ultimatum. An all or nothing approach...I see where your T is coming from, but at the same time to just give someone an all or nothing approach doesn't seem like the a good therapeutic approach to help anyone stop from hurting themselves. Especially if it is something you have done for years. I have bulimia..understandably not the same as cutting at all..but my T is helping me through it and we are working on different coping mechanisms and we talk about my ED and she usually starts out the session with asking how many times I have binged/purged, purged, and used laxatives since our last session. She has never told me to basically stop or I can't see her anymore..that would send me into a deeper downward spiral like no other. I can't tell you if your T is wrong or right..I can only go from how it seems from my pov. Maybe try bringing in whatever you use to self harm with and talking about how her ultimatum made you feel and what you think.

Truthfully you could just throw your self harm object away and follow her ultimatum, but that won't stop you from self harming because you can always get another object.

[precious things]

I just don't understand this rationale as a therapeutic technique ( I can understand if it's a liability issue).... It's like saying I can't treat your depression if you aren't in a good mood.... How does one get help for a problematic behavior if the only help is " stop the behavior and then I'll treat it...."? If you could walk away from it then you probably wouldn't need a T in the first place.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by kneehole

Wow..an ultimatum. An all or nothing approach...I see where your T is coming from, but at the same time to just give someone an all or nothing approach doesn't seem like the a good therapeutic approach to help anyone stop from hurting themselves. Especially if it is something you have done for years. I have bulimia..understandably not the same as cutting at all..but my T is helping me through it and we are working on different coping mechanisms and we talk about my ED and she usually starts out the session with asking how many times I have binged/purged, purged, and used laxatives since our last session. She has never told me to basically stop or I can't see her anymore..that would send me into a deeper downward spiral like no other. I can't tell you if your T is wrong or right..I can only go from how it seems from my pov. Maybe try bringing in whatever you use to self harm with and talking about how her ultimatum made you feel and what you think.

Truthfully you could just throw your self harm object away and follow her ultimatum, but that won't stop you from self harming because you can always get another object.

I see a t for an Ed too and he has said it would be cruel of him to say " stop or I won't treat you". We both know I would be devastated and it wouldn't kick the Ed.

Also.....going with what tealbumblebee said in the response above me. You have to get her to acknowledge and see that you have taken a big step with coming to Therapy and opening up about your cutting. That alone shows you have the mindset and strength of wanting to work on recovering. ..but the key word is 'work'. It's not going to happen overnight. This is not an encouragment to continue to self harm..but there has to be an acknowledgment that it is going to take time to work towards not self harming. That an over night approach doesn't work because that is a dangerous ultimatum and can usually lead someone into a deeper self harming spiral from trying the all or nothing approach just to appease the T and not doing it for yourself.

Originally Posted by precious things

I just don't understand this rationale as a therapeutic technique ( I can understand if it's a liability issue).... It's like saying I can't treat your depression if you aren't in a good mood.... How does one get help for a problematic behavior if the only help is " stop the behavior and then I'll treat it...."? If you could walk away from it then you probably wouldn't need a T in the first place.

Exactly! If it were as easy as just stoppjng when someone tells you to..or if our T's told us to or they wouldn't "treat" us then we would have no need to be in therapy or go back to therapy. We would be cured!

Originally Posted by precious things

I see a t for an Ed too and he has said it would be cruel of him to say " stop or I won't treat you". We both know I would be devastated and it wouldn't kick the Ed.

As of yesterday I have had 9 sessions with my T...seeing her once a week...and she has never told me to stop and would never. She has actually had to make me see that because our second session I was completely frustrated and upset and scared to admit how much I have b/p and used laxatives. I thought she would be upset with me or not want to see me anymore and she showed me how impatient I was and that one therapy session is not going to undo 10 years of an eating disorder. That it's going to take time and work and help and that I have made the biggest step by coming back to therapy. (I saw her before and stopped a month and half in over a year ago and spiraled downward.)

[Yobeth]

Yes she gave me an ultimatum and no I don't understand the reasoning behind it but I change that in the next week. I would really like to hear how anyone with any type of addition stopped. I need to come up with a plan by next week. Thanks for your help!

[ultramar]

What does she mean about using self injury 'as a weapon?'

[Yobeth]

Originally Posted by ultramar

What does she mean about using self injury 'as a weapon?'

My T calls the item I use to SI a "weapon". Lol.

[Favorite Jeans]

Hey YoBeth, I posted this in another thread yesterday. I don't know how other people managed to stop self-harming but for me it was gradual. I think I'd have bolted if someone said I wasn't allowed to do it again. Because as f*cked up as it was, it was still a coping method and I was kind of attached to it. Here's what I wrote:

In my experience focusing too much on SH itself just made me want to do it more. Talking or thinking about it made it almost irresistible. What was helpful was talking about coping strategies which was boring, so boring! But for me SH was very exciting, gave me a rush and made me feel alive (but paradoxically was also sometimes calming) so it was helpful to find other ways to feel alive or calm down or cope with an unbearable feeling. Also helpful was picturing who I wanted to be. I got to a point where I really, really didn't want to be someone who SH'd and had scars everywhere and had to feel embarrassed every time it was hot out or I went swimming or wanted to have sex etc.

So I don't think it's necessarily helpful to talk about SH all the time, every time you do it etc. Talk about the times you wanted to but didn't. Talk about a feeling that triggers your desire to SH and have your T help you defuse it right there in session. Have her breathe with you or go for a walk together or just talk about how you are not the feeling. Pretend your brain is a big screen in a movie theatre. The images are vivid but fleeting. The images are on the screen but they are not the screen. Your feelings aren't forever.

As an addendum: the sex part was really important... I didn't want to be sleeping with someone who didn't notice or care that I self-injured. BUT the kind of quality person I wanted to be with wouldn't have wanted to play the crazy mind games that sleeping with someone who regularly self-injures entails. You see the conundrum... I wasn't willing to give up sex/romance/intimacy and I wanted someone better than the kind of person who would allow the dynamic of me working out all my difficult feelings on my wrists instead of communicating honestly and respectfully with them. So that was my main motivation.

[Yobeth]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Hey YoBeth, I posted this in another thread yesterday. I don't know how other people managed to stop self-harming but for me it was gradual. I think I'd have bolted if someone said I wasn't allowed to do it again. Because as f*cked up as it was, it was still a coping method and I was kind of attached to it. Here's what I wrote:

In my experience focusing too much on SH itself just made me want to do it more. Talking or thinking about it made it almost irresistible. What was helpful was talking about coping strategies which was boring, so boring! But for me SH was very exciting, gave me a rush and made me feel alive (but paradoxically was also sometimes calming) so it was helpful to find other ways to feel alive or calm down or cope with an unbearable feeling. Also helpful was picturing who I wanted to be. I got to a point where I really, really didn't want to be someone who SH'd and had scars everywhere and had to feel embarrassed every time it was hot out or I went swimming or wanted to have sex etc.

So I don't think it's necessarily helpful to talk about SH all the time, every time you do it etc. Talk about the times you wanted to but didn't. Talk about a feeling that triggers your desire to SH and have your T help you defuse it right there in session. Have her breathe with you or go for a walk together or just talk about how you are not the feeling. Pretend your brain is a big screen in a movie theatre. The images are vivid but fleeting. The images are on the screen but they are not the screen. Your feelings aren't forever.

As an addendum: the sex part was really important... I didn't want to be sleeping with someone who didn't notice or care that I self-injured. BUT the kind of quality person I wanted to be with wouldn't have wanted to play the crazy mind games that sleeping with someone who regularly self-injures entails. You see the conundrum... I wasn't willing to give up sex/romance/intimacy and I wanted someone better than the kind of person who would allow the dynamic of me working out all my difficult feelings on my wrists instead of communicating honestly and respectfully with them. So that was my main motivation.

Thanks Favorite Jean, but what did you do to quit? Whatever you used to cut, how did you get rid of it? Thanks!

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Yobeth

Thanks Favorite Jean, but what did you do to quit? Whatever you used to cut, how did you get rid of it? Thanks!

I used different things so I wasn't just attached to one specific thing, I'd even (shudder) pick up sharp things on the street if I felt desperate. But I do remember making the decision to leave a blade at home before heading out. There was one cutter I used most and I left it in some drawer and found it years later (I'm a huge slob) and felt the most wracking aching sadness at the memory of using it.

The thing is I didn't quit the way most people describe quitting an addiction. I never decided that I couldn't do it again (ok I did commit to never cutting again when I decided to have kids but by then I hadn't done it in 7 years or something anyway). I just started subbing in better ways with a little cutting here and there until I didn't need to do it so much anymore.

I kept reminding myself that though the whole thing seemed automatic, and though it seemed to "just happen," it was always a conscious choice to cut. So I always also had the choice not to.

What would happen if next time you felt like cutting you just didn't do it? Or said to yourself "okay if I still really, really have to cut this badly in an hour (or ten minutes or tomorrow morning or whatever) I can do it. But for the next hour (or whatever) it's off limits. Just for one hour I'm going to have to find another way to cope." You won't implode from not cutting right? Usually by the time your hour is up, the intensity has passed.

Then you can think back on that hour and figure out how you managed to survive it and keep breathing without cutting. Did you call someone? Did you go bake cookies? Light a cigarette? Walk? Journal? Watch TV?

You did a good job. Even if you cut at the end of the hour, you'll have still interrupted the bad feeling/cut cycle. There are probably already times when you want to cut but don't do it, right?

Also try to add things that give you pleasure and a sense of purpose to your life.

That's how I did it. One urge at a time with many, many setbacks. Does that kind of make sense?

[Victoria'smom]

Honestly if you trust her, turn over your SI kit, even if you end up hurt yourself other ways, but honestly I'd ask how well she knows about SI before making the decision. I think she's trying to make you symbolize how much you want help and how much faith your putting into therapy w her. I think it's a sucky, manipulative, power struggle and dangerous thing she's doing. I'm hoping you have a trusting relationship with her even to suggest that. Even though I only SI when severely manic now, I still have my kit around. I'd give it to T but she has never asked and wouldn't do that to our relationship. As for how to stop for me it was a mixture of things, bettering my situation, ed voice gone, absolutely no time, and other things.

[growlithing]

The thing about SI is that... it works. I'm not saying it's a good thing or that you shouldn't quit, but my SI keeps me alive at times. If I SI when I'm feeling super sui, those feelings go away even if only for a few minutes. I stress out when I have no tools. That kind of therapy is the kind that wouldn't allow you to make mistakes.

[Favorite Jeans]

Oh and medication helped a hell of a lot. SI is the symptom not the whole problem right? That's why I think excessively focusing on stopping it doesn't work. You have to improve your overall well-being so it doesn't feel like you're stuck in the same terrible situation and someone has sealed off your only escape hatch.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by kneehole

As of yesterday I have had 9 sessions with my T...seeing her once a week...and she has never told me to stop and would never. She has actually had to make me see that because our second session I was completely frustrated and upset and scared to admit how much I have b/p and used laxatives. I thought she would be upset with me or not want to see me anymore and she showed me how impatient I was and that one therapy session is not going to undo 10 years of an eating disorder. That it's going to take time and work and help and that I have made the biggest step by coming back to therapy. (I saw her before and stopped a month and half in over a year ago and spiraled downward.)

I am in such a similar position to you Kneehole only my T wants me to tell my GP and I don't want to. Sorry to reply on this thread as I know it isn't really directly related. I don't really have any advice just echo that it is a massive step to actually tell your T and acknowledge you need support so by giving you an ultimatum seems really counterproductive. I'm seeing T tomorrow and want to talk about laxative use/abuse but just don't know how to & she doesn't ever ask. She has also never asked me to stop using....

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by kneehole

Also.....going with what tealbumblebee said in the response above me. You have to get her to acknowledge and see that you have taken a big step with coming to Therapy and opening up about your cutting. That alone shows you have the mindset and strength of wanting to work on recovering. ..but the key word is 'work'. It's not going to happen overnight. This is not an encouragment to continue to self harm..but there has to be an acknowledgment that it is going to take time to work towards not self harming. That an over night approach doesn't work because that is a dangerous ultimatum and can usually lead someone into a deeper self harming spiral from trying the all or nothing approach just to appease the T and not doing it for yourself.

Totally agree.