[purplejell]

Do you tell your T you love him/her? Do they say it back? Today I kind of feel like I love my T. Not in a romantic or sexual way at all. Just because I talked to her about my CSA stuff, and she was really there for me, and said things I needed to hear, and helped me feel safe. It's a powerful thing when someone can be there for you like that. I've been working with her for 5 years, but I don't usually say I love her and she doesn't say it either. I definitely want to say something to her about the impact she has on me. I just feel kind of weird about feeling like I love her.

[Jdog123]

Originally Posted by purplejell

Do you tell your T you love him/her? Do they say it back?

Yes and yes sometimes. The biggest thing that I learned about this when I first starting saying "I love you" to her is that I couldn't expect the same response/any response. It can hurt a lot to say an unrequited I love you. My T does occasionally say I love you to me, but perhaps 1 out of every 2-3 times that I say it to her. And I do genuinely love her - we've worked together 2x/year for 3 years and have been through a lot together. She has given me more of herself than perhaps any person I've ever known and all that she gives is healthy and safe. I guess I don't think of it as a weird feeling anymore; it's natural and beautiful.

Added to clarify: My love (or hers) isn't a sexual/romantic love.

[Arha]

I can't imagine ever saying that to my T, or him saying it to me!

(Then again, I can't imagine saying it to my good friends, either.)

I think some people have very close relationships with their T, whereas mine is definitely treatment focussed.

[Jdog123]

Originally Posted by Hawkspur

I think some people have very close relationships with their T, whereas mine is definitely treatment focussed.

In my experience, the two aren't mutually exclusive. The depth of the relationship depends a lot on the type of therapy that is being done - in my case an eclectic approach that is primarily psychodynamic.

[Gavinandnikki]

Yes, I say I love you. When I demand... Tell me you love me.... She says I love you. But she shows me she loves me every session, in her tone of voice, her tears, her way of being with me.
My love is maternal and sexual. Her love is maternal only. But god damn it, I would love to make love with her. AND I am a 27 years married heterosexual woman.

Drives me crazy!!!

[RTerroni]

I have had strong feelings for Therapists in the past but have never said anything to them about it.

[Arha]

Originally Posted by Jdog123

In my experience, the two aren't mutually exclusive. The depth of the relationship depends a lot on the type of therapy that is being done - in my case an eclectic approach that is primarily psychodynamic.

I did not mean to imply that the two were necessarily exclusive, just that the relationship I have with my T deals only with those things directly relating to my therapy. It really is very tightly focussed, and kept that way deliberately.
If my focus wanders during a session, it is drawn back promptly. I have found this very helpful for me as it has meant we got to the nitty-gritty somewhat more quickly than we might have done.
It is psychodynamic therapy, but I don't know whether this makes a difference to the relationship.

Because someone expresses feelings of love, somehow their therapy is not focused enough?

[FeelTheBurn]

I have never directly said "I love you," mostly because I didn't want to put out a statement that seemed to beg for a reply. I'm not sure a direct declaration of love from her would be anything but destabilizing to me, due to my own issues, and I believe she is aware of that.

But I have referred often to my love for her, and to my recognition of the love she shows me with her attunement and presence and consistent, gentle approach. The saying of it means less than the feeling of it, and I feel it every time I am with her.

No, I haven't, and I wouldn't. Nor would I say it to my friends, except to a couple of very close friends who are Americans.

Whether it is appropriate to say that you love somebody who is not in your family is different between languages (the word for "love" in my native language is never used with friends, for instance) but, in English, it also varies between cultures. So please don't judge other posters here based on whether they think it is appropriate (or inappropriate) to say that they love their T.

[feralkittymom]

I have, but I only had the courage to do so after he had said it. Actually, posed it as a question: "FKM, do you think I don't love you? Because I do."

This was after many years of psychodynamic therapy. I must say that I never felt that anything that was said wasn't germane to my therapy, including this exchange.

yes all the time to both questions ♥

[Arha]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Because someone expresses feelings of love, somehow their therapy is not focused enough?

I thought a lot about my responses.
I said only one thing about anyone else's experiences, that I thought some had a closer relationship with their T. I didn't say their therapy needed better focus. For some people, expressing love may be exactly what they need to focus on.

My therapy is focussed on particular things, and love for my T doesn't come into it, and feeling or expressing love for my T would be really odd in this context. We stay focussed on what I need therapy for.

Originally Posted by Hawkspur

My therapy is focussed on particular things, and love for my T doesn't come into it, and feeling or expressing love for my T would be really odd in this context. We stay focussed on what I need therapy for.

Out of curiousity, how is your therapy psychodynamic? Psychodynamic therapy has a main focus of the relationship between client and T. The transference (including love) is worked out and the relationship is the vehicle for change.

It doesn't really keep "focused" and is not directed by the T.

If you read about psychodynamic therapy, it is very much all about the relationship and feelings towards T, etc.

Just wondering....

I would not say this to a T, because mainly I don't feel "love" towards T.
I feel many other feelings, but I have very little positive transference. Mostly I have fear, disgust, and intense feelings of being let down.

My therapy is all about T-client relationship and transference.... so T loves all the transference...
But love her, nope, not at this time or anytime soon I imagine....

[Jdog123]

Originally Posted by Hawkspur

For some people, expressing love may be exactly what they need to focus on.

I do have to say that while my T and I do say "I love you," it takes about 15 seconds every month or so. When I initially started saying it we did talk about it and what it meant a few times briefly, but this is over the course of the 300+ sessions that we've had. So it's not at all our focus. Expressing love with these words (because we express it other non-verbal ways--hugs, how we look at each other, her deep concern for me, etc.) is organic and we focus on treating my past trauma and abuse, not on our love - this just is, no need to focus on it.

[purplejell]

Thanks everyone for the lively discussion... Sounds like the word "love" has different meanings and contexts for different people, and it probably depends on your individual therapy situation.
I guess for me I just wonder about the boundaries... I don't want to get confused about her role in my life. Sometimes therapy is such an enigma. Such deep relational stuff that you do, but she's still also a professional and I pay her. I know it's genuine coming from her - that she really does care.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Because someone expresses feelings of love, somehow their therapy is not focused enough?

I imagine they are just doing their imperfect best to respond to what comes up in them. I assume that with continued discussion, the description would change. I certainly didn't hear the speak saying someone else wasn't "focused enough." Just that their therapy stayed narrowly focused.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by purplejell

Thanks everyone for the lively discussion... Sounds like the word "love" has different meanings and contexts for different people, and it probably depends on your individual therapy situation.
I guess for me I just wonder about the boundaries... I don't want to get confused about her role in my life. Sometimes therapy is such an enigma. Such deep relational stuff that you do, but she's still also a professional and I pay her. I know it's genuine coming from her - that she really does care.

You said what I think/feel better than I could have. I really struggle with the boundary issue - what does it mean. what's okay. what's not healthy? I find it very confusing.

[stopdog]

Both therapists I see profess to be psychodynamic therapists and with the first one, there have only been a few times and mostly at the beginning of seeing her where she made any reference to a relationship with her and has only used the word transference once and in a non-specific way. The second one has never spoken of it at all as far as I remember. Love has never come up with either.

[Arha]

Originally Posted by Tollhouse

Out of curiousity, how is your therapy psychodynamic? Psychodynamic therapy has a main focus of the relationship between client and T. The transference (including love) is worked out and the relationship is the vehicle for change.

It doesn't really keep "focused" and is not directed by the T.

If you read about psychodynamic therapy, it is very much all about the relationship and feelings towards T, etc.

Just wondering....

Focus is a word I chose because my T has to keep me from diverting the discussion. This is a means I use subconsciously to protect myself. Again, it may not be significant for others the way it is for me.

Psychodynamic therapy is very much about relationships, and the client-therapist relationship is critical, but there is a lot of debate about its exact role. It is sometimes called the therapeutic alliance.
Warmth and openness are critical, but the role of love is a debated point. For some clients and for some therapists it may be important, but not for all.

Originally Posted by Jdog123

I do have to say that while my T and I do say "I love you," it takes about 15 seconds every month or so. When I initially started saying it we did talk about it and what it meant a few times briefly, but this is over the course of the 300+ sessions that we've had. So it's not at all our focus. Expressing love with these words (because we express it other non-verbal ways--hugs, how we look at each other, her deep concern for me, etc.) is organic and we focus on treating my past trauma and abuse, not on our love - this just is, no need to focus on it.

I did not say that if love was a part of the client therapist relationship that it had to be the focus, just that for some it will be. For others it is there but not central, for others it is not there at all, and perhaps should be, and may be later, and for others it is not significant or perhaps not present at all.

Originally Posted by purplejell

Thanks everyone for the lively discussion... Sounds like the word "love" has different meanings and contexts for different people, and it probably depends on your individual therapy situation.
I guess for me I just wonder about the boundaries... I don't want to get confused about her role in my life. Sometimes therapy is such an enigma. Such deep relational stuff that you do, but she's still also a professional and I pay her. I know it's genuine coming from her - that she really does care.

It is a complex relationship isn't it? One description of the therapist is, "a person we map our feelings for various other significant people onto, allowing us to explore and examine them".

T and i both say I love you at the end of every session.

[feralkittymom]

I think part of what makes this expression of feeling--regardless of the terminology used-- thought provoking is its timing. Is it expressed within a transference, or outside of a transference? Early in therapy or later? In sync with the feelings of the stage of therapy, or counter to them? Context counts for a lot.

I guess as my perspective has changed, it also means different things. At the time, it prompted a shift and moved therapy forward, expressing an acknowledgement of my independence and our interdependence. Earlier, it would have touched a more dependent self in me. Now, with the T dynamic in the past, it feels more like just a simple and warm expression of regard. It doesn't demand anything, it just is.

There seem so few opportunities in life to have such a feeling that I'm content to just accept it.

[Bill3]

We stay focussed on what I need therapy for.

I was thinking that I do not foresee a close relationship with T, that is not why I am seeing her.

Then it occurred to me that I was not close with my parents either, particularly my mother. Particularly my mother.

So maybe closeness is something I need therapy for.

[struggling2]

After an especially rough period where i felt T was pushing me and being really hard me and i was being a turd back....after the fact i was like "thanks for putting up with me" and she responded "i did it because i love you and was not giving up!"

after another especially rough time she gave me a hug and i said "im sorry, i love you" and she said "i love you too"

it was sweet.