[twentythree23]

im just wondering if my therapist is just being nice or does he have feelings for me some examples are:
i said all men want is sex and he said not me i have to much respect for you and i said yeah and plus your married so that wouldnt be right and he said people do things that arent right all the time thats not my main reason my main resson is respect for you. he always text me back and answers all my questions even if they are not therapy related and it may not be right away but he always rights back even if its 9 at night. he said i was cute and that he was sorry if it was wrong of him to say but he couldnt help it. he asked me what places i went to and said not that he was going to show up there but he was just curious and i text him by accident i ment to text someone else and i said sorry i cant come over tonight and he said "thats ok it probably wouldnt be a good idea anyway " and i thought i was moving once and i told him i couldnt continue with therapy and he said why are you moving and said this is killing me are you at least going to come and say bye to me before you leave and i tried to end it another time i text him and said that i was feeling better and felt like i didnt need therapy anymore and he said it was fine to take a break but we needed to talk about it in person..so i dont know maybe its just me over thinking it and hes just being nice. any opinions??

[shortandcute]

hmmm, yeah i'd be a little concerned................

[feralkittymom]

How old are you, and how long have you been in therapy with him? Do you see him privately, within an agency, a university center? I do see some inappropriate comments, but it's difficult to say without more context.

[Syra]

The first reason a person shouldn't have an affair is respect for their marriage. Not respect for a 3rd person who they might otherwise have an affair with.

Hmm. I'll change that. The first reason a T shouldn't have an affair with a client is because He's The T and the client is the Client!!!.

That would give me the creeps. It sounds so noble, and mature, and kind, but it's not. It's flirting with boundaries.

[Rive.]

Some of their comments and reaction would put me on high alert.

There is nice but sorry, saying stuff like "this is killing me"(?!) is just too much coming from T. This would freak me out. They are supposed to be detached or at least have a better handle of their emotions. I guess it would depend if T was joking when saying this or all intense & serious. Still, I would not find this appropriate.

[shezbut]

It sounds like some of your T's remarks are inappropriate, which does make me rather uncomfortable.

The more important aspect, imo, is how YOU feel though. I can understand you wanting to get second opinions, to see if you're over-reacting.... but....There's a part of you that is obviously uncomfortable with your T. Personally, I believe that you are picking up on these unprofessional remarks and behaviors and you are rightly scared! Don't go back just to end things "his way". If you're uncomfortable, you shouldn't have to force yourself to withstand it again.

Gentle hugs to you ~ Listen to your body, it's telling you something.

[twentythree23]

Thanks for all the advice it has defiantly helped...feralkittymom I'm 23, been seeing him 1 yr and a half, and seeing him privately

[Bill3]

he said i was cute and that he was sorry if it was wrong of him to say but he couldnt help it.

This was definitely an unprofessional comment in my opinion.

And he could "help it". He was not compelled to say it, and he shouldn't have said it.

I don't know, guys. We're seeing these comments out of context. My T told a friend of mine who sees him that she is cute. She has huge self image problems and he was pointing out that she dresses really well and is very cute, and the comments being made about her appearance by her husband are inaccurate and hurtful.

When my T discusses the fact we cannot have a friendship after therapy, he talks about respect for me and not being one more person in my life who uses me just to meet his own needs. He talks about respect for his marriage and mine. He rarely mentions the ethics rules. If he told me we could not have a relationship because there's a rule against it, for me (and maybe this is just me) that would raise the idea that except for this rule, he would totally have a relationship with me and if we can wait out the two years, there's hope. The way he states it makes it clear that (1) he is putting respect for me and my needs ahead of anything else and (2) no matter what, we are not having a relationship outside of therapy.

He has also said that if I quit therapy with him, he would find it painful because he likes me. I grant you the "killing" him thing is a bit over the top. I also don't think it's weird that he wants a final session to be face to face. That's pretty typical of therapists, isn't it?

All of that said, if the OP feels uncomfortable, that is something to follow up on. I just don't think these comments, in and of themselves, indicate that the T is being unprofessional.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by twentythree23

im just wondering if my therapist is just being nice or does he have feelings for me some examples are:
i said all men want is sex and he said not me i have to much respect for you and i said yeah and plus your married so that wouldnt be right and he said people do things that arent right all the time thats not my main reason my main resson is respect for you. I don't understand- he doesn't want to have sex with you BECAUSE he's respecting you?
A- so it's either respect or sex?
B- he's your T- isn't that a good enough reason? That he's married- well, we are talking about thinking about not actually doing it (I hope) and I think (not married) it's perfectly normal for married ppl to have these fantasies...
More importantly though- I don't like how he made this generalisation about him
he always text me back and answers all my questions even if they are not therapy related and it may not be right away but he always rights back even if its 9 at night. Getting back to you is professional- depends on the Qs- how inappropriate are they?
he said i was cuteand that he was sorry if it was wrong of him to say but he couldnt help it. I think T saying stg positive about your appearance is OK, however, him acknowledging it's wrong to say so and that he couldn't help it-
he asked me what places i went to and said not that he was going to show up there but he was just curious and i text him by accident i ment to text someone else and i said sorry i cant come over tonight and he said "thats ok it probably wouldnt be a good idea anyway " Well, I'd take it as a joke...
and i thought i was moving once and i told him i couldnt continue with therapy and he said why are you moving and said this is killing me OTT are you at least going to come and say bye to me before you leave Newsflash- therapy is NOT about him and i tried to end it another time i text him and said that i was feeling better and felt like i didnt need therapy anymore and he said it was fine to take a break but we needed to talk about it in person.. Not ending by text- my T has this "rule" too.so i dont know maybe its just me over thinking it and hes just being nice. any opinions??

As already poited out- hard to tell without actually being there and even then everybody might view it differently
Go with your gut- good luck

Certainly seems to at least be skirting the edges of inpropriety. The key is that it is apparently making you uncomfortable; it has your radar up. Are you willing to look for a different T that would perhaps be more professional and focused on you as opposed to himself?

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'd be concerned.

Unless there are other facts that suddenly provide a new, different context- the things he's saying seem to be quite subtly emotionally manipulative and also a bit bizarre - did he actually say he was going to come by the places you hang out, specifically to see you? Um, what? I'm struggling to think of any context where this can be a valid thing to suggest to a client.

The very fact that you're a bit worried about it means to me he's not doing his job right by explaining what he means with these comments, even if he means them innocently and the intentions are good he is not communicating effectively (as you're not quite sure what's going on) and that's not okay. Not good enough.

[twentythree23]

Thanks again for your opinions but nothing I said was over ther top I said what he said word for word I have texts to prove it and I font have self esteem issues in there because I'm bipolar and ptsd for being molested when I was younger but I understand where your coming from like I said maybe its not in professional and I'm thinking to much of it that's why I was interested in other opinions and thanks I respect yours

[Hopelesspoppy]

Originally Posted by twentythree23

im just wondering if my therapist is just being nice or does he have feelings for me some examples are:
i said all men want is sex and he said not me i have to much respect for you and i said yeah and plus your married so that wouldnt be right and he said people do things that arent right all the time thats not my main reason my main resson is respect for you. he always text me back and answers all my questions even if they are not therapy related and it may not be right away but he always rights back even if its 9 at night. he said i was cute and that he was sorry if it was wrong of him to say but he couldnt help it. he asked me what places i went to and said not that he was going to show up there but he was just curious and i text him by accident i ment to text someone else and i said sorry i cant come over tonight and he said "thats ok it probably wouldnt be a good idea anyway " and i thought i was moving once and i told him i couldnt continue with therapy and he said why are you moving and said this is killing me are you at least going to come and say bye to me before you leave and i tried to end it another time i text him and said that i was feeling better and felt like i didnt need therapy anymore and he said it was fine to take a break but we needed to talk about it in person..so i dont know maybe its just me over thinking it and hes just being nice. any opinions??

You are not over thinking it. His choice of words were intentionally provocative. Please, as one who's been there and stayed way too long, GET OUT. Good luck.

[laughattack]

I can't think of a therapist-client setting when these comments would ever be appropriate. I'd say he's a terrible therapist and unprofessional. Find someone else.

[Melody_Bells]

I agree, my gut feeling says he may not be thinking of you professionally, and may not have your best interests at heart...please take care of yourself