Seeing your Therapist as more of a Peer than a Therapist

But being not only close in age to me but also very young (her 26 to my 30) and also an Alum of the same University I went to sort of gives me the desire to see her as a Peer as well as a Therapist, that being said I also think that she is a very good Therapist (currently going for her Masters) and I don't want to stop seeing her anytime soon.

I don't think that it is necessarily a bad thing to also see your Therapist as a Peer but just remember that above anything he/she is your Therapist first (something that I am somewhat struggling with right now).

Favorite jeans explained it very well. Plus, I had a very yelly childhood. Constantly being put down. My brother was at least aware of being called stupid. It took me a long time to realize they thought I was stupid. I guess I was in denial about it. So I went into therapy expecting to get yelled at and called stupid, at least subconsciously. I'm just saying I do better now when I don't feel stupid. It might be a different situation than the OP's.

I think it is possible that our communication and interactions in relationships can vary within that relationship depending on the context of our interaction. Like I said earlier, if my T and I are talking about education/teaching or therapy matters, we really aren't "peers" in that we don't hold the same expertise; we respect each others' greater expertise on such matters. On the other hand, we relate well to each other as "peers" because of our shared experience in professional careers, our parenting experiences, etc. Context makes the difference, and context can vary from interaction to interaction.

For me it has been very similar, my parents yelled at me all of the time so it was nice to have a Therapist who spoke in a calm tone of voice.

Hi RTerroni

You probably already know my thoughts on this matter from that other thread.
But perhaps I was a little rushed when I wrote those responses. As it is, I also find myself echoing FavoriteJeans thoughts.

A therapist is a professional providing a service for a fee. Much like a medical doctor or a lawyer.

But, since therapy involves having a good and trusting relationship with one's T, then there is nothing wrong with having things in common and rejoicing over those. I mean, it is hard to relate to anyone without having some commonality. But (and this is me) if all I see my T as is as a peer, than I'm not discerning the professional relationship that exists and I probably won't be benefited by it. If all I saw my lawyer or doctor or accountant as was as a peer or friend, it would be similar.

If you mean you see your T as a human being that is just as human as you are, has human foibles like you do, makes mistakes like you do, etc, than that is great.

Also, if you mean you and your T are on an equal levels as human, that's great.

But, for me, at some point, I have to let go of this desire to see my T as a peer or friend, but see them as a treatment specialist with whom I don't want a peer to peer relationship, because, for me, that is not the most effective way for therapy to advance and work.

And I apologize if I have been abrupt in anything.

EDIT : In fact, I don't even have to like my T. This is not an essential component of the T-patient relationship, to me. But I generally have to like my friends.

I agree with this.

My T told me he is constantly learning from me. I asked how that could be the case. He said: "How do you think we learn to be therapists?"

He's been a T for decades but he says he learns things from each client.

I don't see him as a peer, though. I don't want to be his friend.

I don't think I'd get what I need from my T if I focused on having a "peer" relationship with her. I don't concede undue power to her, I don't see her as better or smarter or more authoritative than I, though she has knowledge and skills that I do not (and vice-versa).

I have made the tacit agreement with her to allow her to "reparent" me in certain ways. I rely on her to create a safe, accepting, caring space in which I can reveal myself in a manner I wouldn't with anyone else. That is my focus with her; attempting to maintain that while also trying to have a more socially equitable relationship with her would be quite self-defeating. YMMV.

Thanks for all of the replies, I hope to discuss this more with my Therapist in the future. I think that it might not be a bad thing to view your Therapist as a Peer in addition to a Therapist, but the Therapist aspect should always come first.

BTW laughattack, I don't believe that the Thread where we had our last conversation was the Thread I was referencing in my original post but I went over those posts and can see where I might have gave that vibe off there as well.

Okay, RTerroni, I'd be interested in what your T says. I find the subject of therapy fascinating and am always looking to learn more. Hope you have a productive next session.

I'm starting to think that my desire to see my Therapist as more of a Peer is my knowing that if things had been a little bit different than our association with one another might be completely different. For Instance, if I had been a few years younger and we were both in school at the same time then we could have easily met there and been best friends. So I guess knowing that makes me want to see my Therapist as someone as close and as equal to me as possible, but at the same time knowing that she will never be my actual friend.

I often wonder what it would be like to know my (close-to-my-age female) T outside of a therapeutic context. I then try and apply what I know about her from my sessions, and I am pretty content knowing that I only see her as a peer for about 45 minutes every week.

It could be, although I think the complete opposite (Therapist for about 45 minutes and a Peer if I ever see her outside of session) if I ever saw here outside of Therapist I would strive to try to see her as my Peer and not as my Therapist.

Interesting question. First T I had a more peer type therapeutic relationship. No question it was T-client relationship but body language and conversational phrasing was more casual like you would have among friends. That style worked pretty well for me. New T is more formal and we have a large age gap, 25 - 30 years, so the relationship is not one I'd label as having peer characteristics. Different style that is neither better or worse.

I had a good conversation with my Therapist about this at session today, we spent about the first 25 minutes as well as the last 10 minutes talking about it. I tried to tell her that if I saw here outside of Therapy then there would be 4 different settings (only 3 of which I might see her in outside of Therapy) that I would see completely different from one another and would approach her differently in each setting they are: Public, Semi-Public, Private, and Personal (which is the setting for Therapy itself and I am unlikely to see her in another Personal Setting) where in each setting I would see the line between Therapist and Client as getting fainter and fainter. I tried to tell her that I hope she would see it the same way but she told me that she sees the boundary as more solid in all settings. I don't know who is right and wrong (and in some ways I don't think there is a right and wrong) but I still like my approach better.

It may not feel so good, but I think her approach is appropriate and best for you.

I'm not sure about that, for instance if I saw her at say a concert (a Semi-Public setting) than I would probably want to talk to her for a little while asking questions like "how did you get into this band" and "what are your favorite songs by this band", like I said it all depends on the setting. I think at a concert I would see us less as Therapist and Client and more as 2 fans of the band playing at the concert.

I don't think most therapists would engage in that kind of friendly chatter if they bumped into a client.

I don't see it that way, I see bumping into each other at say the Supermarket as different than bumping into each other at a Concert, and even more different than if we were at an Alumni event (since we went to the same College) together. I don't know why people can't see my point in all of this.

Perhaps because you are still viewing those boundaries as specific to an environment or circumstance, rather than the fact of your relationship to your T regardless of where you are encountering her.

The boundaries she sets are because she is your T no matter where you are. It is a unique relationship with unique rules. If you met your attorney at a concert, it's very likely your conversation would be different from your professional ones, and contain far more personal revelations.

But personal revelations from a T are typically only shared at specific times for specific therapeutic reasons, and that's for your benefit and hers. No matter how hard you strain against those rules, they aren't likely to change, and you would probably get more out of therapy if you accepted that. (and I don't mean that unkindly, only that it's like bashing your head against a wall--it can be distracting...)

What I told my Therapist is that if things start to hit to close to home (i.e. stuff we should only talk about at Private sessions) then she can warn me to that and if it keeps going back to that than to slowly back away, but otherwise I can't see why we can't have a conversation outside of Therapy if our paths happen to cross.

I'm sorry but I am having a hard time understanding your points of view.

And I'm not sure why I feel the need to argue this position, but I'm just sitting here, so why not?

Let's eliminate any benefit or detriment to you--let's allow, for the sake of argument, that there is no damage to your therapy or health in having these personal conversations (a position I don't really believe, but let's go with it):

These boundaries aren't for YOUR benefit. They're for hers. Therapists get pestered, harassed, stalked, and assaulted by clients. Some have been killed by them. Their family members, children, spouses, friends, colleagues--also have been threatened, harassed, harmed. And that's not hyperbole. "But I wouldn't do anything like that!" Well, a T can't always know who would and who wouldn't, and sometimes a situation can escalate before a T can reign it in.

What might seem like a "harmless" revelation of personal information to you, might be a nugget that allows someone to figure out where she lives, or who she's involved with, or whatever. And, in rare but very real instances, that can go very wrong. At the very least, it can derail therapy.

So, it's not just about you. Therapy brings up a world of intense and destabilizing feelings for clients, and in that state, they can act on impulses that can be harmful--or even just incredibly intrusive--to the therapist. Strict boundaries help manage that possibility.

I disagree that strict boundaries are to keep therapists from being stalked.

I agree with you on most of this and if I feel too obsessed with my Therapist than I should end Therapy immediately. In some ways I think that if it would be good if I lead and she follow (while still maintain an appropriate boundary) because if I try to start a conversation in a social space and she leaves early on I might get very angry and may not want to have Therapy with her again (where as if she sticks around for a while I would probably feel a lot more comfortable).

But at the same time all of this is just speculation and it is unlikely that I will ever see my Therapist at any social location (I'm just a BIG what if guy), but if it does happen we can deal with it than.

Of course that's not the only reason for boundaries. But RTerroni was resisting the idea that boundaries have value for him; I was approaching it from the perspective of the therapist.

And having known quite a few therapists, and two who have been assaulted by clients and another who has been stalked, I'll stand by my assertion that keeping personal information private and maintaining boundaries that discourage outside interaction has a protective function for the therapist.

It is easy enough to stalk someone without loose boundaries. I have been stalked (prior to big internet) by clients or family members who were upset when the case did not go as they wanted.
I have many friends who are therapists too. If a therapist is that twitchy about a client, they should figure out a way to deal with it or quit being the therapist for that client in my opinion. Therapists are not that big of a deal.
I know therapists who are perfectly happy to talk to clients that they see out and about and would cheerfully discuss the music or band or whatever with the client while at that venue. I also know some who would not. I would not want to socialize with a student or client at a concert, but I know plenty of other professors and attorneys who have no problem with it if they are approached first.