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Old Nov 09, 2013, 10:16 PM
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Sterella Sterella is offline
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I don't know if this goes here or not but, anyways:

Anyone here do Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? I've been going group stuff with this and I don't know it feels...strange.

I feel like I don't have a problem with social contexts (what I mean is, I'm quite good at being polite and saying my P's and Q's, and overall being a pleasant, functioning member of society). Most of the people there are unsure of how to interact and be empathetic for the most part.

I am the opposite. I am overly empathetic and become extremely guilt-driven to make others happy and their lives more meaningful/enjoyable. I will smile and laugh till I feel like I'm going to tear in half from my inner turmoil.

I know how to fake these interpersonal skills. I know the rules of socializing.

My problem is having actual relationships. Like, I have no idea how to make real friends. All I know is how to make acquaintances.

Sorry for the long, ranting post. Here is the gist, will this help me with acutal relationships? Or is this just going to continue to be about how to make small talk?
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  #2  
Old Nov 09, 2013, 11:02 PM
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rainbow8 rainbow8 is offline
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I'm on my 3rd cycle of DBT. I've found that the other modules: Core skills, (mindfulness), Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance have been more helpful to me than the Interpersonal Skills Module. Have you done those yet?
DBT isn't the kind of group where you're going to learn how to make friends, though. Do you have a T who suggested DBT to you? Why? It sounds like you're expecting to get something from it that's not part of the course.

Do you fill out diary cards? Maybe you can use those to help you with actual relationships.
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IndestructibleGirl
  #3  
Old Nov 09, 2013, 11:36 PM
yang0868 yang0868 is offline
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Sterella,

I did DBT for one year and I can tell you that YES DBT helps with teaching you how to build an "acutal relationships." I, myself doubted DBT at first too thinking that I work FT, go to school, and take care of 7 people so I "function" well enough in society. In contrast, most of the people in my group had substance abuse, umemployment, self-harm, extreme impulsiveness, highly unstable emotions, etc that was interfering with their capability to function.

DBT group is not a processing group meaning you share in depth details about an upsetting event and your group members would give support. DBT groups are a skills learning group. The therapists teach you the skills and you're expected to apply those skills to your life. Then you report back to the group at each session how the most recent skills that you were taught were used and how did it go. If someone was to go in depth on a certain situation that deviates from telling the group how the skill was applied to the prompting event, the therapist will most likely stop them and remind them that the group is NOT a support group.

I saw a lot of things you wrote in your post that gave me a really strong feeling that you are going to benefit SO much from DBT.

If I had to sum up DBT in three words...it would be.....mindfulness.

Everything that you're learning from DBT, no matter if it's interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerlance, or emotion regulation; the point is mindfulness ties in with all the units.

To make a change in yourself, you must know what drives the behavior. Think of the analogy of a infectious disease. If you only treat the symptoms and not try to find the source of the problem and treat that, the disease will never be properly treated or eradicated. The point is, finding what are the behaviors/thoughts that are causing you to not have "actual relationships."

I see that you have realized and noticed that you're "overly empathetic and become extremely guilt-driven to make others happy and their lives more meaningful/enjoyable." If you're willing to stick with DBT, you will learn and notice that in this statement, you only talked and mentioned the other peoples' happiness but what about you? Isn't your happiness important too? You deserve to be happy just like them right? You deserve to have fulfilling relationships that are not one sided.

I was sadden by your statement "I know how to fake these interpersonal skills." I doubt that you "fake" these skills. You need to give yourself more credit. These are skills that you've learned over the course of your lifetime and it's gotten you to where you are today. Take pride in them that they've allowed you to function well in certain aspects of your life.

When I read you're statement "My problem is having actual relationships" I knew right there and then that you're right where you need to be if having "actual relationships" is what your heart truly desires. Each and every relationship you have had or will have are different. Think of relationships as an investment. The quality of your relationship with people will depend on how much or little you and the other person have invested into it. Being vulnerable to the other person has such a powerful affect in relationships especially if they in return are vulnerable to you too. It's a huge risk being vulnerable to someone you feel safe with but well worth it. DBT will teach you how to be effective on a deeper and honest level which helps drive a healthy fulfilling relationship.

I'm not boarderline and yet I went through DBT. I hate those labels anyways. It's a bunch of crappy words put together. Anyone can benefit from DBT and so can you. I really hope that you will give DBT more time. Take what you want and leave behind what you don't want from DBT. Use what works for you and your goals. Also, remember that even though you're given homework on a weekly basis, you want to work on continuously applying all the skills that you've learn throughout the course but most important, your life. Practice really makes perfect here.

In any case, I wish you the best!
Thanks for this!
Bill3, IndestructibleGirl, rainbow8, Sterella
  #4  
Old Nov 09, 2013, 11:41 PM
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Nightlight Nightlight is offline
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I don't personally know a lot about a straight DBT approach. My T has previously trained in DBT, but what I've learned from DBT has been integrated with other approaches. I do think that some of the skills are likely to be helpful for all sorts of things, including the isolation you're experiencing.

Mostly I just wanted to say you're definately not alone in how you feel. My therapist knows me well enough to know how exactly much I struggle and how disfunctional my thoughts are, even if I appear completely confident, happy, etc on the outside. Just like you, I also only make acquaintances (very easily), but that's about as far as it goes. For me, I think I learned to shut away all of the bad stuff as a child. I never told anyone about the severe depression and anxiety, but eventually learned to hide it from my family (when I realised no one could help me and I had to get through it on my own anyway). There's something that comes along with that I think. I learned to be very emotionally distant from my family and not need anyone—sort of. I know I appear like I'm fine and happy as I go about my life, but along with shutting away all of the bad stuff comes an emotional distance from other people, I find. Almost as if people can sense that I don't need anyone (except of course I do).

I just wanted to say good luck to you and you're definitely not alone. Once someone who served me coffee a few times a week asked me "Why are you always so happy?" Other people matter to me a lot and really the only thing I like about myself is how much I care about other people. Yet, no friends...

It's not easy! That's for sure.
Thanks for this!
IndestructibleGirl, Sterella
  #5  
Old Nov 10, 2013, 08:09 AM
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IndestructibleGirl IndestructibleGirl is offline
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Thank you for this thread. I can relate so much to a lot of it (I'm not BPD, but have traits, and I suspect have the C part of PTSD) and I'm keen to look into DBT - this has explained it really well and why it can be so useful, I've read other stuff that has been much more vague, but reading this has clicked something into place for me. Thank you v much God I love PC!
  #6  
Old Nov 10, 2013, 08:58 AM
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nessaea nessaea is offline
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I too am extremely empathic and driven by guilt and an unhealthy desire to please people - and DBT worked wonders for me. I actually found the Interpersonal Skills really helpful in learning how to stand up for myself and make my own needs known in relationships. I found that with them I was able to form friendships that were less one-sided (me giving all the time and them taking)

The Distress Tolerance skills were great for when I was in crisis, and the Emotional Regulation and Mindfulness for every day intrapersonal stuff, but I really found the interpersonal skills were the ones I applied most in my daily contact with people.

The thing about DBT is that it is all about practice, so keep working on the skills. We had to do the modules all the way through two times, and the first time around, I thought it was all crap. It was only about halfway through the second time that I realized how effective and useful the skills were. So, stick with it, use the skills as much as you can, and you will see a difference.

Best of luck, and keep us posted on how you are doing!

Ness
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Sterella
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Bill3, Sterella
  #7  
Old Nov 10, 2013, 09:14 AM
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Sterella Sterella is offline
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Thanks everyone for all the wonderful posts and encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I finally get this ray of hope and then it turns out to be nothing like I was hoping for. I will definitely keep trying DBT, and I will keep all these things in mind. I'm sure it will get better as you all say, I just need to be patient.
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