T wrote down her new email addy for me yesterday. As she did I watched her. I mean I looked at her skin, her breasts, her cheeks. I really studied her.
I don't get to look at T much. 10yrs on and I find making eye to eye contact impossible.
I felt like a thief for a second. But the desire to 'take her in' was strong.
I think I could only sneak love from my mother. She didn't want me to have it. So I would sneak loving glances at her as she was undressing. She would lock me out of her room, but I found a crack I could see through.
That's how I felt watching T.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

T wrote down her new email addy for me yesterday. As she did I watched her. I mean I looked at her skin, her breasts, her cheeks. I really studied her.
I don't get to look at T much. 10yrs on and I find making eye to eye contact impossible.
I felt like a thief for a second. But the desire to 'take her in' was strong.
I think I could only sneak love from my mother. She didn't want me to have it. So I would sneak loving glances at her as she was undressing. She would lock me out of her room, but I found a crack I could see through.
That's how I felt watching T.

Eye contact is about looking sb in the eye not studying their brests, skin and cheeks. Checking sb out that way carries sexual undertones.
I'd tell your T about it esp because it mirrors your childhood experience.

Nope wasn't sexual. More a desire to nestle into her curves.

[Daeva]

I do this too, whenever I have the chance, sometimes I do it even when she is looking straight at me, she never comments on it but there's no way NOT to notice what I'm doing. I memorize every feature of hers. You're craving that closeness you were denied as a child It's normal

Originally Posted by Daeva

I do this too, whenever I have the chance, sometimes I do it even when she is looking straight at me, she never comments on it but there's no way NOT to notice what I'm doing. I memorize every feature of hers. You're craving that closeness you were denied as a child It's normal

Yes. Thank you.

[unlockingsanity]

I look at T more closely when he's not looking at me, too. Sort of when you look at a friend while their talking and you stop to REALLY look at them. You realize all the small details like the freckles on their face, if they have wrinkles, the way their dimples pop out when they smile.

It's like you take time to really SEE them.

It's definitely not anything sexual. It's like just having a chance to look at them for who they are without the pressure of them looking back at you while you look.

[Jdog123]

I've done this before, too. And it's absolutely nothing sexual--it is completely about wanting to lay my head on her chest like a child and a mother. It's not an obsessive behavior (i.e., rarely do it), but when I do it can feel like something wrong since our relationship isn't about her serving as my mother...

[anilam]

Your comparing this to sneaking "loving glances" at your mother while she was undressing was why I felt there was a sexual component in this.
I think your mother crossed several boundaries with you (sometimes it pains me to read what you were subjected to as a child). That may have let you to this kind of behaviour. Peeping through a crack at your undressing mother shows needs for being close to her mixed with misplaced sexuality.
"Taking in" sb (Ts included) while they are not looking is standard behaviour.
However, I still think you could benefit from talking about this (why and how you felt- which is anything but standard) with your T.
Maybe I'm not making myself clear here so let me clarify: What you did was normal (nothing to be ashamed of), how you felt (and what you were reminded about) is still nothing to be ashamed of but might be a good idea to work through it in therapy.

What do you mean by 'misplaced sexuality'??

[anilam]

Child sexual development- curiosity is normal. However, the object of it can be wrong. That's why I used misplaced sexuality term (probably not the same in English, sorry).
Your mother sexualised your childhood and blurred the boundaries for you. Watching your mother undressing is not a way to get love from her/be close to her- or anybody for what matters. If I were you that's what I'd address in my therapy. I could be wrong though.

How did she sexualise my childhood?

[purplemystery]

I have done this too, though from afar... I also have eye contact issues, and when I've seen her walking around my campus I can't help but stare and memorize everything about her since I so rarely look at her when I'm with her.

[rainbow8]

Mouse, I just want to say that I understand. I like to look at my T too, though I can maintain eye contact with her also.

[PeeJay]

I do this too, Mouse. And then I recall her features while I try to go to sleep. And I pretend she loves me.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

T wrote down her new email addy for me yesterday. As she did I watched her. I mean I looked at her skin, her breasts, her cheeks. I really studied her.
I don't get to look at T much. 10yrs on and I find making eye to eye contact impossible.
I felt like a thief for a second. But the desire to 'take her in' was strong.
I think I could only sneak love from my mother. She didn't want me to have it. So I would sneak loving glances at her as she was undressing. She would lock me out of her room, but I found a crack I could see through.
That's how I felt watching T.

While I do enjoy eye contact with my T, I absolutely adore watching her when she's writing out an appointment card on the rare occasion that our usual time to meet has to be changed. It is different from when I'm thinking during therapy and my eyes move around while I'm in thought; at those times I don't always have feelings about looking at her, although I can have loving feelings surface at those times.

I don't know if it is sexual on some level, because I don't fully understand the concept of emerging sexuality in childhood. If there is a sexuality aspect to it, it is innocent like a child's adoration, and I accept it without judgement as part of therapy.

Desire for physical comfort is something that has come up for me, over and over again during my therapy. I think that some of that desire is met (or maybe it's stirred up?) when I have that opportunity to just gaze at her. Earlier in therapy, a few years ago, I told my T that I was attracted to her breasts. That was about a desire to be held there and comforted by her.

What I think is that watching T is more about feeling safe to adore. Feeling safe to love. Feeling safe to trust. As long as it is kept secret, it can't be used against me; I can't be manipulated with it. And for me, it is about allowing myself to have those feelings of love and adoration because I would not allow them when I was growing up.