I'm very depressed and very frustrated. I've been completely stable for over six months, but in the last few weeks I've felt the depression coming on. The last 5 days or so the depression has increased significantly each day. I hate bipolar disorder. The cycling is brutal.

Saw my pdoc yesterday and he made some med changes, but it will probably take 10-14 days to start really kicking in. He talked me back into lithium. He needed to put me back on an anti-depressant, but doesn't want to risk throwing me back into rapid cycling, so the lithium works to counter that effect. (AD's can cause mania and rapid cycling when given alone to someone with bipolar disorder.) He wants me to call him if things get worse. He always answers my calls within a few hours, so I know I can count on his help. My symptoms definitely worsened even since seeing him yesterday evening. Having racing thoughts and voices are kicking in (probably the most distressing/anxiety-making part).

Today I saw my therapist. He is very concerned as he's seen me crash very quickly and dangerously many times in the past. He'd like me to consider the hospital right now to head this off. I'm not really at that point yet though. I've been here before and know where that breaking point is. As I told him, I'm on that edge right now. I think his main concern is that he's out of town at a conference until next week. He insisted that I give my pdoc a call each day to let him know my status. I'll give him a call tomorrow afternoon I guess.

Fortunately tomorrow is my last day this week. I had already planned to take Friday off. Knowing I will not have to push through two more days is a relief. I'll be very distracted starting tomorrow as the marching contest starts and I'll be watching the live stream all day Friday and Saturday. That will help. Great distraction.

I'm still managing work okay. I went to choir tonight. Still functioning, just feeling like crap.

Ain't that the truth. (I never thought I'd say this, but Lithium saved my life, don't tell my pdoc ot T i said this)

[feralkittymom]

I'm really sorry these chemical storms descend on you. But it will turn around because you're doing everything to stabilize.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm really sorry these chemical storms descend on you. But it will turn around because you're doing everything to stabilize.

Thanks. Yeah, I know this too shall pass. The question is how much worse will it get before I get to the other side and will I stay sane enough to not become impulsive and a danger to myself? Right now I'm not nearly in that place, but I'm on watch. I'm using my support people. I'm cooperating on the med front. Now I need time to be kind to me. This takes time to stabilize and I sometimes don't have enough time before things go south.

[Favorite Jeans]

Keep checking in here if it's hepful for you. Let us know how it's going. I hope the lithium works fast.

Hey Chris,
Just so you know, you are a role model to me with regards to this illness. Just the mere fact that you're already reaching out is impressive to me. Hang in there, you have lots of people, including myself, rooting for you.

[Perna]

I am so glad you have such good support and are feeling confident about feeling bad I hope it does not get worse before it gets better, that the meds and all help.

Originally Posted by PumpkinEater

Hey Chris,
Just so you know, you are a role model to me with regards to this illness. Just the mere fact that you're already reaching out is impressive to me. Hang in there, you have lots of people, including myself, rooting for you.

Thanks, I just know I don't have a choice if I stand any chance of staying out of the hospital or, God forbid, making an attempt on my life. Things get that bad for me that fast. My pdoc and T know that all too well and have worked really hard with me getting me to this point where I am proactive rather than reactive as much as possible.

At this point I am in proactive mode. I hope I can stay there long enough for meds to kick in. That's the thing about bipolar disorder. When an episode gets severe, it really becomes a medical issue; therapy is really pretty useless at this point other than to work through crisis plans.

So far today I'm not too bad, but being here with 30 teenagers tends to be distracting. The test will be when they walk out of the room in about 20 minutes. It doesn't take long for that depression to wake up.

[granite1]

HI chris .I am thinking about you and know you will do what is needed to take care of yourself but remember it is ok to that also .I am sorry you are facing this again. take care

Hi Chris... thinking of you ...hoping all of those teenagers will keep you busy this afternoon... Post away if you need to or if its helpful to you.. keep following your plan and reaching out to your support. Praying the meds kick in fast.

Not good. Not good.

you are strong and can get through this.

[BonnieJean]

Chris, I'm sorry you're going thru this. Stay safe. Sending healing thoughts.

did you call your pdoc for your daily checkin? I

did you call your pdoc for your daily checkin?

Just spoke to pdoc. He asked me if I am ready to check in, but he didn't press it yet. He's on call all weekend and told me to call as needed.

He called in some Ativan for anxiety which might help some. I'm incredibly sick to my stomach from starting up new meds. It will pass.

Chris can you get some zofran or phenergan for the nausea?

Probably, but I suspect the ativan will knock me out. Phenergan or zofran on top of ativan would have me unconscious for a week.

Keep checking in, Chris. Sending positive vibes.

Stayed home today (already planned before this crash). Still very nauseated, darn that lithium. Can't eat. Pdoc said to at least be sure I get fluids.

Voices are starting up already this morning. It's going to be a long day I'm afraid. I'll probably give pdoc a call this afternoon to check in. Depression is about an 8 on the 10 point scale we use. Sitting on that edge.

[DelusionsDaily]

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. I hope it passes sooner rather than later. Take care.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Chris... This must be terribily frustrating waiting for the med to help with depression while its messing with your stomach....

Be kind to yourself... I'm praying the medicine helps quickly

Chris, please, please be safe and good to yourself. Has any type of coping technique helped with the voices in the past?

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Chris, please, please be safe and good to yourself. Has any type of coping technique helped with the voices in the past?

Anti-psychotics generally help, but I suspect my pdoc would want me inpatient before he would put me on something. I'll call him later and see what he might be able to do.

[WikidPissah]

Those darn voices are what pushes me over every time.
Hang in there Chris, I am praying for you.