Session with C.

This session was...meh. I didn't really like it and I am actually really uncomfortable, I feel like a wall has been put up. I think she's beginning to pull away from me. However that is probably just my twisted perception. Especially since I agreed to Narrative Therapy which we did, and turns out I do need, because even though I didn't like it (because it pushed me out of my comfortable role as victim) I know I need it. But it doesn't make it any easier. I'm just amazed at the strength of my C who can do this for me, knowing she's attached to me as much as I am to her. She always does what's best for me no matter what. I really admire her even if right now I feel lonely and apart from her emotionally/mentally.

I guess the thing thats bothering me most isn't that she was pushing me out of my comfort zone or even telling me I didn't need to see her every day or every week but that I am capable of dealing on my own and I just wanted to see her. And she did a lot of confronting me this session which is always hard but the thing that bothered me most was her lack of reaction when I told her I was thinking of moving back in with my abusive Mother and her abusive boyfriend because I can't pay my rent and it isn't fair that I keep mooching off my roommate, I'm already two months behind on rent and owe $700. So it's either go to my Mothers or be homeless in Upstate New York where it's already in the teens and snow on the ground.

She didn't seem surprised, or even worried about it, usually she's very expressive with me both verbally and her emotions are always right on her face, but it didn't faze her at all and that stung, I was expecting some sort of worry for my health and safety or at least for my mental well being or just as a person. All I got was a "it's too bad there's no other alternatives." Oh it's too bad. Yeah but you wouldn't know would you how bad it is to be forced to live with someone who physically and verbally abused you as a kid (And still verbally abuses you) and with her boyfriend who when drunk tries to touch you and what not. My C knows all this stuff has happened and what not.

I guess I was expecting too much.
And like I said I think she's trying to distance me now because usually I'd ask for a hug or she'd just up and give me one, or when I'd ask she'd say of course! and hug me. I asked for one today (In an effort to keep me grounded especially after a tough session and in part to remind myself she does care) and she hesitated for a long moment before saying, "Okay but this isn't normal for a counsellor and client." Like I would get hugs twice a week and now she's hesitating. I mean I think she's trying to distance herself from me professionally but withdrawing like that from me plays on my abandonment issues and is just generally even without those issues, painful and hurtful. She needs to be consistent and honestly I was doing okay with the closeness I needed that to keep me secure and grounded and I just feel adrift, as if my dock/harbor keeps moving around and I don't know where it is and I have to find it but when I do it moves again. I hate it.

Of course you would be deeply fearful if not terrorized about moving in with people who have been so abusive in the past. It was hurtful that C was not attuned to those feelings. I'm really sorry for that.

I just felt frustrated cause I expressed those feelings and she just nodded. I don't know what's wrong in our relationship now. I feel like I broke something.

That is a crummy feeling, like it is your fault and now you are in trouble. But maybe she just wasn't quite skillful enough at that particular moment. It sounds like the rest of the session (except the end, about the hug) was hard but okay.

I like this image. What if you talk with her about how you need consistency and if she does have to change something significant you need to be told about and have a chance to discuss your feelings about it?

Well the attachment shouldn't be equal. Maybe she let you in too close, recognized it and now is trying to (re)establish some healthy boundaries?
Re moving back to your mom- are there really no alternatives? Finding a job? Asking your mom to lend you some money? She obviously does care about you in some way letting you move back in with her... Or any other relatives? Anything, cause this is a priority. Do you pay for therapy? If so, stop for a while to have money for the rent.
Your C should have helped you with going through the alternatives. There nearly always are some.

Daeva, I'm so sorry to hear about your session, and that you have money worries as well. I can relate. I hope it works out...Does your school have an emergency fund for students? Maybe check that out?

Mom is dirt poor. We all are. I have been searching for jobs since the summer. No other relatives, none that'll allow me in. No I don't pay for therapy it's funded through my tuition at school. That's what I thought, my roommate is helping me more, she's calling around to try getting me an appointment to move into a group home.

I tihnk I'm going to, cause it just felt all really clumsy like I was cluttered around. Thanks!

Daeva,
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you had a tough session but I have a feeling you'll come out the other side even stronger!

Thanks for being so open and honest here with us!