"I am tired of YOU YOU YOU"

Wait, this seems to be a real effort to repair things. I'm not entirely sure why you are sighing about it or saying it's not an apology. It is in a way saying the reasons for her reaction to what happened. She is also answering your request and needs for more coping so this seems very positive to me.

Wow...I don't know your relationship with your T or really you or your issues so I'm responding totally like this was my T responding to me...

I would think my T does care about me... she heard me...she spent time out of session thinking about how she could help me better.... okay so there was no apology but she was probably mirroring the way I was talking to her.... its not really one person wrong its more of a relationship...I could have handled it better and so could she... It looks like we can move forward from here...

What did you hear from this response?

Thanks. And thanks for the good question. It should seem like a really positive message. I'm just not processing everything clearly. I'm upset and struggling.

Anyhow, to me, I heard that:

Good parts:
She's not dropping me

Mixed parts:
She says she wasn't tired of me, but has no idea how the fact that she said she was tired of me hurt, because I've expressed to her for months how that is my fear. It's something we talked about many times, so... we both know that's an issue.

Bad parts:
I feel like a diseased specimen that she has analyzed because I blamed her for not offering the tools I needed and not being able to help direct me properly instead of more than once, letting me flail in terrible terrible fear without knowing what to do.

Parts that would be good if I were more reasonable:
She cares about me
She's trying to help me

I'm reading the Wiki on DBT, I'd only known a bit about it before. It sounds really helpful, I like this line SO much:

"Dialectical behavior therapy emphasizes learning to bear pain skillfully."

That's what I've been telling her I want! She thought I didn't want any pain, a quick fix, but I'm totally realistic. I can't avoid pain- I just need the skills to be able to tolerate it, breathe through it a bit- I can't deal with it letting me lose control so much that I can't function.

I had a big problem when I was 17 and lost it and dropped out of high school and lost all my family- see, the pain was debilitating. I don't want that!!! I just need a little help to take the edge off. I was trying SO hard to tell her that, many times, and she didn't understand me.

Deleted because of the recent postings in this thread, made while I was typing a response. I'm glad your T contacted you.

I would not take it as positive or an apology. I pay the woman to keep her emotions out of my appointment. If the woman reaches some limit, it is to be her problem, not mine.

I still don't like it. the whole situation makes me wonder about this T.

The thing you posted says that she admitted that she was tired. She's it more than once. She also says she cares and that she will be around today when it is not usually a working day given the holiday. She's revealed that she has spent time thinking about you, which means during her own time and on a holiday. And that she has heard you. And that she wants to meet your needs. That's what the note says.

I'm still not sure why you are doubting it. Is it something that isn't in the note?

I guess what's not in the note, is maybe that I was mad and scared and I showed it badly, and she couldn't handle it in the moment.

Kinda relevant to her telling me I have to express all my anger, like a mixed message.

I told her I wasn't good with these things and I wasn't sure how to go about it and I wasn't clear at all, and anyway, i wasn't in a place to take on a huge issue, but it all went wrong.

She wasn't listening and wasn't containing me when this all happened.

That was the worst line of a very rough past 8 hours or so of sessions in the last week or two. Not where she said other harmful things, but where she didn't help me cope despite my repeated attempts to communicate what I needed and be completely forthright with her no matter how difficult it was, i.e. I did my best and she could not help.

So, if I was doing my best, and she was doing her best, and it didn't work (again) that's part of what's on my mind.

Sorry, I know I'm being messy here.

For me, the adage Once burned, twice wary applies.

I understand better now and realize it is very upsetting. Still there is a move here toward repair. It just may take some time. Hang in there.

I guess I'm not sure I really believe her new interpretation that she was tired of my "you" statements, i.e. finger pointing.

I was doing some finger pointing, that is true. I apologized, and am willing to apologize again. I did not communicate as well as I know how to, because I was upset, and I lost my cool. I have no excuse for that. I'm responsible for being rude to her.

But..... the way she said it "I'm tired of YOU YOU YOU" well.... if what she meant to say was "I'm tired of you blaming me for everything" or "I'm tired of you finger-pointing" or "I'm tired of you expecting the impossible" or whatever she says she truly meant... well

"I'm tired of YOU YOU YOU" - it would not have been my first thought as to how to express any of those things. "I'm tired of YOU YOU YOU" well.... it is just ugly the way I read it.

but anyhow, it is probably worth me giving us December to try the tools she has offered here. They seems like they could maybe be pretty helpful, and maybe I could... test the therapeutic waters again and see if we can have a chance to rebuild the bridge. It seems to me right now that by her not providing the tools I really really really wanted, and clearly asked for more than once (not just this last week) and by her saying what she did, she burned down her side, and by me being so accusatory and rude, I burned down my end.



I should add, I have expressed anger at her before, and she has taken it better. This time we were out of control. Since my husband threatened to commit suicide a week and a half ago or so, and I've been questioning my marriage more lately, everything seems out of control, and I'm not coping as well as I want to. I'm not doing as good communicating or anything I guess. I'm just trying to hold it together for my daughter, be there for here, and show up to work to not lose my job and finish school, and.... I think I don't have enough resources to do therapy "right" - to be constructive and a strong communicator all the time.

This thread has given me a lot to think about. Thank you, Leah, for allowing me to grow from your painful experience. I am so sorry you are going through this, truly I am!!

I have a few thoughts that are only randomly connected...

1. Therapists are human and they make mistakes. I totally get it!

2. Just recently, I told my therapist that if she wasn't getting mad at me, I felt she wasn't paying attention. I have begged her to say she loves me, she's proud of me, and now, that she's mad at me, all in an effort to feel that she is as invested in the relationship as I am. She has steadfastly refused to say any of it. Thanks to the insight from your posts, I think I now understand why it is so important and helpful that she keeps her emotions out of our sessions, and I understand now that she does it out of love for me, even if she won't say it.

3. I guess I just feel, from this post and a few others, that your therapist might struggle with keeping her "stuff" out of the room, from time to time? Working through ruptures is one thing, and I know you can always learn more about your own relational style by going through this process, but there also comes a time to consider your own needs with regards to what your therapist is bringing to the table.

No one here can tell you what's ultimately right or wrong for you, but I'm really glad you're mulling it over with lots of consideration. Nothing is wasted in therapy, and you will grow from this experience in one way or another. I think that true growth only comes from the times when you reach the place where you think you cannot take anymore. I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts to help you get through this...you will!!

I had a long, reassuring, productive talk with her. We tried chat format at first, but I felt disconnected and negative. Once we spoke on the phone, the warmth and kindness of her voice was very helpful: it is hard to hear her objectively I think via chat when I am extremely emotional, struggling very hard. I perceive the interaction as colder sometimes, and wonder if it isn't easier to project and buy into the projections. I usually have the eloquence, self-understanding and mastery to work through my emotions in that format, to be understood and to trust the process, but this isn't my normal. Right now, I'm in the midst of my own personal hell, and I was not talking or listening my best.

As we talked, my fears and anxieties came out and she handled me gently, and we also discussed my practical concern about the lack of coping skills she's provided me with. I am high functioning in practical terms usually and in communication, and I think it's hard for her to realize just how low my emotional lows are, that's part of how things got messy so fast the other day.

I feel like I owe you all a transcript or something because a lot of valid concerns were raised by many of you, and because you all sent me support and hugs when I was feeling beyond awful, and it helped me get through a scary scary couple days.

I'm super tired though, and I've already ignored my family for a few hours and need to go back to them.

I guess the main thing I want to explain to clear things up is that she said she really meant "I am tired of YOU YOU YOU statements, attacking me and devaluing me." She told me she was not tired of me and did not want to change our relationship, and I told her all the reasons I didn't quite believe that, and we worked through it, to where I think I believe her now.

My therapist was worn out from attending a funeral and traveling the day before and she says she choose her words poorly and understood my reaction. She says she is sorry I had to go through this. She actually stepped in at one point in the conversation and led me through an exercise, even after I got off topic a couple times, she brought me back to it, to help support me. She took time yesterday to find a workbook/cd for us to work through together, and she's going to order one for herself of DBT exercises to help me regulate emotions.

I have room to grow in regulating my emotions. I manage fairly well day to day, and therapy has given me a LOT of emotions to practice with, jeeze, but when it comes to deep emotional distress, I am very lacking. She said we can take a 'holiday' break from heavy issue work to work through these exercises, skill building, and I can still talk about things that come up, or what I want to focus on, but we'll take it easy, take it slow, and work on these concrete things.

She said it took all this for her to see, for her to figure out what I needed, and she joked at the end, "sometimes I'm just dense." because I did try to bring it up before, so even though I was rude to her this time and obnoxious (my words, not hers) the way I see it, I was still asking for something valid, and she just did not get it, did not understand.

I got a better feeling of what went wrong with us this last week or two also- she thought giving me space to vent endlessly about my marriage and husband worries was what I needed, but what I really needed, at some point, was a way to control my worry so that I still felt some sense of control in my life and could breathe through the strong feelings I'm having right now.

I do believe that we're clearer on this now, and although I'm feeling a bit wary and very exhausted, I think it does make sense to let her give me what I asked for: concrete coping skills for my emotions when things get really bad.

I told her, basically I was the hysterical person in the movies, the scene where someone has to walk up, sit them down, give'm a good slap, and a glass of brandy, so they can get ahold of themselves.

I can usually manage myself, but that's where I was the other day- I needed someone to take hold and knock some sense into me- don't worry endlessly, it's going to be ok, here's a brandy! I think it makes it a bit harder because I kinda feel scared to death to let anyone see me that way, and to trust anyone besides me when I'm feeling so worried and wounded.

I think and hope she can get better at helping me with this. (Fingers crossed.) She told me about a recent workshop she'd attended w/a helpful idea, and that she had some training in DBT and was looking forward to doing this with me.

That's just my first impression, wanted to share with everyone who posted to help me.

Thank you all super much.

Thanks for letting us know. You must be exhausted. Get some rest and take care.