"I am tired of YOU YOU YOU"

Didn't mean to cause more pain. It is a worrisome situation though.

ps I do think it is relevant to look at the whole situation eventually--what if all signs point to this lady practicing unethical, poorly executed therapy?

Good morning,

The therapist I did the most work with took a ration of crap I threw at her. The first session, I asked if she knew WTF she was doing. She looked me in the eye and stated, "you know I do." So, for the next year or so, I tested her in every way I could. One evening when I showed up for therapy, I started my usual BS. She took an exasperated breath and told me, "I do not need you as a patient, I have a waiting list." In my smart *** way, I told her I thought she had shown a lot of patience with me. She just looked at me, not saying a word. I got the point.

It was my "come to Jesus" session; also referred to as my "fish or cut bait" session. I pushed her as far as I could and finally hit her wall. I dropped my testing and decided to work with her instead of charging at her every session.

When I did that, I found a very strong therapeutic bond had developed despite my best efforts to avoid the closeness. I was shocked the bond was there. The therapeutic framework had been laid and I finally knew the boundaries. She passed all my tests and I felt safe enough to do the therapy.

I don't pretend to know the relationship you have with your therapist. I don't believe we can ever know. However, it wasn't until my therapist pushed back that I knew she was strong enough to go on my journey through the "valley of the shadow".

My hope for you is to find the therapist who can walk beside you on your path toward healing. Perhaps it's the one you have or someone completely different.

Regards,

Sabra

Thank you, I know what you mean about needing to eventually exit the testing phase. We pretty much did that about 3 months ago. It was a significant change in our relationship, was definitely a good thing. I'm trying to work with her, and if I'm expecting the unrealistic, which I'm not entirely sure I am, then I need her to help me with that.

"I'm tired of YOU YOU YOU" and the comments she made prior were not at all a helpful push. Nothing for me to work with, and she wasn't able or willing to explain herself to me and let me see it or let make amends at the time.

I understand therapeutic pushing, and I'm often up for a challenge. I wasn't yesterday, and even if I had been, that one wouldn't have gotten us anywhere.

I was excited to see a message from her in my inbox, but it was just an invoice and saying Happy Thanksgiving. Um, ok, whatever. Guess I'll be waiting several days and then have to decide if I want to pay her again to tell her what's so wrong with me.

That doesn't sound good, or therapeutic.

(((((Leah)))))

Thank you guys. I feel like a stupid weak fool but all the virtual hugs help.

I gotta stop crying and start cooking, jeeze.

I understand the feeling weak and stupid and like a food. What I see if someone who had someone inappopriate said to her - somewhere between not very good therapy and just plain mean - and knew it didn't sit right, and was able to repeat the story (not an easy task when feeling stupid and weak and like a food) and get support. That doesn't seem like a stupid, weak food to me. That looks like someone who is hurt, but able to reach out for help in an effective manner. Is it like that?

Good cooking

Thanks. You've got me crying again, ha.
I didn't really cry before I started therapy, but my therapist was very kind to me about expressing emotions and tears, and made therapy a very safe space for that. Now it seems like I'm crying all the time.

I pushed her hard, and she pushed back. It does make sense to me. I certainly pushed her harder than she pushed me, which seems about right, since she's the pro and getting paid and I'm the client. Not to say I should have been harsh with her, that's not it, but like....

I devolved and she devolved a little too, just not as much.

I can't imagine how to work through this. I don't want to say anything to her. I know she's fed up with me, so.... will just have to leave it at that I guess, I don't want to go to session or anything, will just wait and see if she says anything I suppose.

Thanks.

I've been where you are, so I know how hard it is to work this through, and even to think about how to work it through. I wonder if you could tell her: I'm concerned about sharing some things, because I really really wnat things to work, and I really really don't wnat to be yelled at, and I really really want to be able to get angry, or at least express things that are bothering me about the relationship. Could you tell me how I could have shared what upset you last time in a way that won't upset you next time? or give me guidelines for the future?"
and then see what she says. Maybe you'll like the answer, maybe not. You'll have a lot more information. Would that work? or not?

I don't know. I feel like the only way to go in is braced for a day of reckoning. Before she yelled that she was tired of me, she said "Ha, you're always telling me not to lead." and she said there were "so many no nos" with me, as if to suggest I had sort of.... hindered her, that it was my fault maybe. I don't know how to ask for what I want now, because she does not think well of me.

I did try, before this session to ask her for concrete, sort of... 'can do' attitude and tools, and to help me feel.... contained, in control when I was triggered and really struggling hard, but... it hasn't worked out, I feel too pushy now to ask her for anything. I figure it's like I just need to be open to her doing and saying whatever she wants without worrying about how I'm feeling, or I need to just stay away from therapy. Asking her to go easy or help me with things is not good right now.

when i read your post i read it that your T is saying more that she is tired of the you-statements you make rather than tired of you. you-statements tend to be accusatory and don't foster healthy communication. here's some info about i-statements and you-statements and how i-statements are much more effective. good luck.

Leah, therapy is the only place for me that I am open about (all) my emotions- negative/positive even those involving my T. I'm paying him for it. I don't think it can work otherwise...

I did use some you statements- I tried to focus on "I" statements, but it was probably... I dunno 50/50, definitely mixed, I was absolutely not communicating at my best. I was scared and panicked and mad and messy. I did speak harshly to her. I absolutely did. I tried to be productive, and honestly, I didn't really succeed, I was upset and off course probably and accusatory. Definitely.

I could absolutely do better on that, and I thank you for reminding me. I knew she must feel... criticized, and tried to address it, but that didn't work out that time.

By the end, all of her statements to me were "you" statements.

I wish she would have just told me to calm down and it would be alright. I am really really really bad at calming down, and I keep trying SO hard to get better at it, and I am in real life, getting better with my daughter and my family, but... I lost it.

I can't calm down anymore. My husband said he was going to kill himself the other day, and our marriage is rocky, and my daughter's acting out, and the work is very hard right now. She knows every ugly disturbing thing about me. I'm working 60 hours a week to support us and going to college full time to get a better job, my husband has heart failure, we have a mountain of bills, including therapy, and I got triggered bad during a fight the other day and couldn't breathe right for four days, and ok, that is me making excuses maybe. I mostly felt a little in over my head in life before therapy, then I started to feel better, and right now, I feel like I'm just drowning. And I screwed up with my best and kind of only ally.

Leah, why don't you find a different therapist- just for a second opinion?

You should reread this thread- and what your writing. Pretend Leah123 is someone else. What would you say to her?

That happens occasionally I guess, hard to do the math right now. When it happens, sometimes she'll slow down and listen more closely when I tell her she missed something. She seems to try to be open to that, and a couple times she digs in her heels and gets confrontational. A couple times she's also admitted her own biases were in the way, and cleared it up that way.

That would almost be like a miracle, if that's what she meant, instead of being sick of me. The way it sounded in the moment was that she couldn't stand how self-absorbed I was, but... your way kinda makes sense too. I just don't know. It seems safer to take it as worst case scenario, but I like your way better.

I asked her to explain, but she would not at the time, she was too tired.

What is it she does that helps you?

The things that she consistently (not 100% of the time, but consistently) does well are:

1. Active listening, she's usually very careful and willing to listen and let me explain my experience and feelings.

2. Solid brainstorming: she has given me many excellent suggestions in parenting and managing my schedule and finding some passion and joy in my life, and she's willing to work through obstacles if her first ideas don't work.

3. Acceptance, she is respectful of me and really works to help me feel sane, trust my feelings and be open to them

4. She really encourages me to take care of myself and affirms that I am worth it.

5. She provides amazing availability, always acting almost motherly in her desire to be there for me when I'm struggling. She encourages my writing and reaching out to her.

6. She and I have a wonderful rapport when it comes to spiritual matters and a similar worldview, so it's just a pleasure to talk with her and feel.... that sense of kinship, rapport on some topics.

7. She helps me have insights about myself by being a sounding board.

I dunno, my head is kind of in the cranberry sauce right now, but that's some of it.

This does sound complex. Those are lovely traits for a T and I can see why you don't want to just give that up.

I got through yesterday, was very helpful to have everyone's support here. I woke up this morning with this rupture on my mind and felt like I'd be sick. I thought about what had transpired, and suddenly an idea hit me:

My therapist is pushing me to "express all my anger" and I got really angry...

and she could not handle me.

See.... it is too much. I told her the other day (metaphorically) I was afraid to be angry, needed help directing it and not burning down the house. But... that did not work out did it. See, I got angry and I definitely said the wrong things, and now she is tired of ME ME ME.

I feel hopeless. How can I go back to therapy and be feeling safe. Oh well, nothing I can think to do but wait and see if I hear from her. I did rely on her, this kind of sucks, but maybe I could find someone new or something, but... I am pretty attached to her.

I better calm down- this can't be as bad as it seems...maybe.

Edited to add: I must be catastrophizing... just because we can't handle something once or twice doesn't mean we can't do it at all. But... it sounded like she was really really sick of me, so... I don't know if it was an off day or the truth coming out. I hate this. I wish I could see it clearer.

I think my heart is going to break. She & I were very close, and now I don't know anything.

I need to stop refreshing my message notification to see if she's sent one. I'm like a damn conditioned rat, looking for the reward of a message. I need to grow up and start acting like a person and get back to work. See THIS is why I'm not big on being emotional. THIS is why I trust my OWN judgement, because it's so ridiculously messy to get involved with someone else, and to admit to feelings, as if I could execute them with the grace of a Monet, instead of the stick-figure images I'm really capable of.

Leah...

I'm not making excuses for your T nor was I there or know exactly what was happening...
but maybe if you could think of it this was it wouldn't feel so hurtful...

I am tired of your behavior...

I know as a parent there are many times that I am tired of my children's behavior... I have even said to them that I am sick and tired of them acting a certain way... But that does not mean I do not love my children.

I don't know if that helps with your having to sit with these feelings. Do you have another appointment scheduled? Personally, I would want to keep my appointment because otherwise you are just prolonging this agony of not knowing...

(btw I would have shut completely down and I think when the clock hit the end of session I would have numbly got up and left...never to return again... but I am super sensitive...)

(((((Leah)))))

This is so difficult. Keep hanging in there. Keep being strong.

Thank you Readytostop. When she first got upset with me, right afterward, I thought about it the way you did. I thought about how much I love my daughter, more than the universe, more than my own life, more than anything and everything. I love her endlessly, but even with that love, I have said mean things to her and I have felt overwhelmed and upset dealing with her. That's me as a struggling mom. A good mom in some ways, but not all.

Even a really really good mom without my issues is bound to be upset at their child's behavior at some point, and even a really really good mom will probably say something inappropriate at some point, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure all moms regret something. None are perfect.

So, I think you're right, and I think maybe I'm not being reasonable when I think about it. I get upset, and everything goes way downhill, it's horrendous. Then I just feel pain like it will never end, I wonder if that's my past talking. I've had many painful separations, agonizing ones, my mom, my dad, my aunt, my past therapist, my step-siblings, and maybe I'm borrowing some of these feelings from those. Not quite sure.

I mean, she and I do have two real issues- I'm lacking something in the way of tools and feeling.... she can help set me straight when I race off in the wrong direction, and two, she yelled at me and I think she meant she was sick of me, and I don't know how she meant it, I'm afraid it runs very deep, but I don't know. She has said so many times that she wouldn't abandon me no matter how mad I got at her or anything else, that I should probably have *some* faith in that, but I am scared to death. I'm scared she'll cut me off, I'm scared of all the things that could go wrong. I'm scared I can't trust her with my feelings.

I should stop only listening to my feelings. I've been working on listening to them more through therapy and sometimes they are SO loud and I'm stressed. I'm a really reasonable person, but I think I'm struggling to balance it now that I'm dealing w/strong feelings.

I don't know. I'm in a muddle.

And yeah, the never to return again feeling- thank you for saying that. I'm kinda between that feeling and the huge neediness I feel, and more quietly, the fact that we were having a legitimate argument (but with the wrong words) and need to work it out.

I know the perfect three letter abbreviation for this, but don't want to get all potty-mouthed on the forum.

Edited to add: I forgot, you asked a question, ha. Well, I think we have a session scheduled for Monday at 10am my time, but I'm not exactly sure anymore. The way she said "Thanks, Happy Thanksgiving" when she sent the invoice made it seem like she was treating everything normally, like nothing happened, but I don't know. I'm scared to go, I keep thinking I'll just try and listen to everything she has to say, I can't even bear the thought of answering if she asks me how I am. I don't want to tell her ANYTHING!!! And it seemed like she doesn't want to know anyway. She's tired of me. So maybe I've worn out my welcome and should go bother someone else.

I'm being totally unreasonable.

This is where I could use maybe someone to tell me to calm down, hold on, don't panic, be realistic. Use my good judgement to stop rewriting history, take it for what it is. But everything is mixed, messy.

I'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea. No matter what, the world is not ending. I am going to do nice things today, maybe start Christmas shopping for my kiddo, and I have to work my shift, so I have lots to do. It's just the underneath feeling is that my my marriage, my finances, my sense of balance, and even my therapy are now way out of order, and I'm feeling overwhelmed.

She just wrote me this, sigh. No apology... we're going to chat about it today I guess.

"Good morning, XXXX, I have thought a lot about you and our last session and therapeutic techniques that would be most helpful help regulate your emotions. My suggestion is that we take December to primarily work together on tools to help you cope. These would mainly consist or Guided Imagery and DBT Skills. In addition to our sessions, there is a CD and Workbook I believe would be very helpful to you if you are open to exploring them with me.

I do care, XXXX, and I have heard you. I was simply and totally worn down Wednesday evening. I can take finger pointing, the "YOU, YOU, YOU", but I had reached my limit. Upon reflection, your anger and devaluation of me have given me a better understanding of the help you are needing.

I hope you had a good Thanksgiving. I will be around today should you want to chat about this, XXXX"