[BlessedRhiannon]

My T has often commented that I have an inner taskmaster, an inner bully, that forces me to do things even when I don't want to. Sometimes, that's a good thing, like when I need to go to work or the grocery store or get things done around the house. Sometimes, it's not such a good thing, like when I beat myself up for not doing something I think I'm supposed to do. Or when I don't allow myself to take a break when needed. After my T pointed this out to me (for, probably, the millionth time) yesterday, I made myself a promise that I'd try to pay a little more attention to my needs and less attention to the inner taskmaster/bully.

Now, I find myself worried. I have a recurring event on Tuesday nights, that I usually enjoy going to. I've been feeling really detached the past two days, and I just didn't want to go to this event. I'm supposed to go, and I kept telling myself I needed to go and was trying to force myself to get ready. Then, about 15 minutes before I needed to leave, I just decided I didn't want to and decided to skip the event. However, often when I feel detached and skip this event, it's a sign that I'm starting to withdraw and isolate myself, which often leads to sui and self-harm thoughts. I'm not sure if I'm slipping down that path again or just listening to my need for a little personal relaxation tonight. I don't honestly know what my needs are a lot of the time, and I don't know if I should listen to what I think might be a need or listen to the taskmaster that says I should go do something.

How do you know when you're not doing something because you just need a break vs not doing something because you're trying to withdraw and isolate? How do you know when it's time to stop listening to that inner bully that keeps telling you to just suck it up and get things done?

[archipelago]

First sorry you are being tormented by this. It's hard enough. I'm not sure if I have specific advice. I can relate an experience I just had that might indirectly address your concerns.

I just recently finished a course on Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. It was all about developing self-compassion so lots shared the problem of being too hard on themselves, being a human doing instead of a human being. this poem was passed out during a silent all day retreat. It made many resonate with it so I'm going to share it.

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the worlds without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor, if you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do of all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Okay, obviously, that poem resonated with me as well, because I read it and broke down sobbing...which is probably what I needed right now. And I realized that I treat my own dogs better than I treat myself.

Thank you for posting that poem.

[archipelago]

It was meant to be humorous so I'm sorry that it made you break down. That was not the intention. However, if you needed to then I guess it meant something. We often don't treat ourselves very well given our lives and histories. Learning to become one's own best friend who would never walk away on us was one thing I learned in the course. And I also realized that I am a human being. Another quote from the retreat was from a Leonard Cohen song:

Ring the bells that still can be rung.
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets through.

For me I realized I try to give a "perfect offering" when that is just impossible and not human to do. Acceptance of the parts that are cracked is more human and humane.

[learning1]

BR I have the same questions as you. I think maybe they are common questions for introverts in a culture where we are expected to be extroverted- as far as whether it's okay to be ourselves and spend time alone or to avoid isolating ourselves too much. It's never clear to me what's an acceptable balance either. I know the balance I have isn't okay for me in the big picture, but I never know how much time I should be pushing myself to fix it versus letting myself do what I want after work so that I can be more relaxed and content the next time I continue with the "task masters" efforts. I hope someone else will answer.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by archipelago

It was meant to be humorous so I'm sorry that it made you break down. That was not the intention. However, if you needed to then I guess it meant something.

Oh, I know the poem was meant to be humorous...I think I've even read it before and laughed. Last night, it just struck me differently, but that's okay. It was what I needed at that moment.

[Favorite Jeans]

Good question and one I ask myself a lot. One thing I try to look at is whether I'm not doing an activity because I'm more excited by the prospect of down time/time at home or whether it's because I dread being around others and can't face going out. Also are there reasons why I might be particularly exhausted and need a break? Finally, when I look back on it in a day or two am I glad that I took me time or disappointed that I missed something.