When therapist changes things around.

At the beginning of my sessions with this new T, she bought me a journal to write in in between sessions, she suggested i bring it in for her to read if i wanted, she even bought an extra one so that the week she took home the first diary, i wouldn't be left without one to write in, so every week we swap journals and she takes home the one with the newest stuff i've written.

She's been concerned by how bad i've been feeling at home and instead of contacting her which she said i should, i've just been writing in my diary. I told her i didn't want to reach out to her in between sessions. It's a trust thing but also i don't want to rely on her at all, i want to learn to self-soothe, be self-sufficient. But this week she's suggested not doing the journal thing, unless i really have something i need to discuss in session. She said it was because i'm doing a lot of work at home (art work and writing) but struggling in session to do any art. But i'm also wondering if she's taking away the journal thing as a way to push me into contacting her when i feel so bad instead of isolating myself???

If that's the case i'm not sure how i feel about that. But i've been feeling really irritated with her all week since that session.

That was actually my first thought before you even mentioend your fear of her pushing you to do inbetween contact. I thought that too. I think it's a legitimate fear. You could always journal anyway with your own.

so you think that is why she's kind of taking away the journal thing? To encourage me to seek real life support?

Yes I would think so. I'd bring it up

ugh.... she could have just said that. Then i could have said "hell no!" to it hahahaa

I can't tell from this. NOt sure what I would need to tell. I imagine there are several possibilties.

maybe she doesn't want you to isolate yourself, like you suggest.

Maybe she wants you to learn to trust her? although I don't hear you not trusting her.

Maybe she wants to be there to rescue?

Has writing to yourself and working with yourself resulted in the kind of growth you want? It sounds like she is concerned about your growth, and that sessions with her are a struggle. Do you think your work at home contributes to that? Do you think the work at home is helpful? or is it a barrier to work during the session? or something else?

I don't have a sense of her wanting to rescue. But she has been concerned as to why i i won't contact her when i'm feeling that bad. But my reasoning is not wanting to become dependant on a therapist, trying really hard just to get thru it on my own, so that i don't have to be let down.

I think the work at home and journal writing serve to stop me from getting so uncomfortable with my feelings that i need to reach out, but i would have thought that's a good thing? I don't think it brings any growth particularly, it just helps titrate the pain i'm feeling. But you'd think it would be useful for her to know what's going on for me during the week by reading in my diary. Now she's not going to know cos i won't bring it up in session.

Maybe she wants you to be able to have a "secure" attachment with her instead ?

(See the highligted part)

What I think of as you talk is how little babies learn to trust. If babies cry and the adults don't respond to them, they don't learn to trust as much. But if the parents/caregivers attend to the baby, they learn that people will be there to help them, so they actually cry less than babies "taught" to "cry it out." And most babies get the opportunit to learn how to self-soothe because the logistics of families is such that parents can't always come immediately, no matter what their intention or goal. I wonder if your T thinks you would grow more if you had more support, rather than relying on yourself all the time? Just an idea that comes to mind. I'm not suggesting that I know this is what is happening.

I was so afraid of violating boundaries that I've resisted contact between sessions - but I wasn't invited to contact like you were. I don't know what he would have said if I asked for more contact. I suspect some would have been okay. I was so afraid cuz of my experience with the exT. I'm trying to think if it would have helped, or made me more dependent if I called between sessions. I don't know.

The only good reason I can think of it that this is just a temporary plan for her to get you to open up more, so that you'll be able to open up more in therapy. Maybe she's reading your journal and getting a sense you need to talk more about something in the moment with her so she can understand it better?

But, it is a bit off seeming. I've never heard of a T suggesting you not write about your feelings, not to mention encouraging contacts out of session. In my mind the fact she reads your journal on her own time, on top of the therapy time, seems somewhat off as well.

This would worry me, and I would ask why she feels like this will be helpful. Not sure.

She does. I think she's said something along those lines to me before.

I fear that if i was to take up her offer i would become dependant, my attachment style is anxious/preoccupied, i'm not sure i'd ever achieve a secure attachment to her, it would take a long and very bumpy ride to get that secure attachment and who knows if she's "man enough" to stay the course or if she'll just dump me like the other therapist did.

i agree with petra5ed that she is trying to get you to do less work at home and more in session. i think it is more up to the client though as far as contact outside of session. maybe if you get to a place where you are doing more art in session and journaling out of session it would be a good balance. i just don't think you need to contact her in between sessions if you don't want to. it does feel a bit like encouraging dependency on her which i don't think is a great idea. if she had suggested you call a friend that would be different. it'd probably be good to talk to her about it all.

She's not saying not to write about my feelings, just that currently there's so much stuff we are not getting thru in session that all needs attention plus the fact i'm struggling to produce art work in session where it can be discussed. So her idea i think is to work only on the stuff produced in session to make sure it all gets attention.
The out of session contact is only allowed when in "crisis". Her definition of crisis is when i just feel really awful, low and/or want to self-harm or worse. Basically for her to be my safety net so that i don't get to the stage of actually S.H'ing. Any other time, then i'm not allowed to be in contact with her.
I'm surprised that she takes extra time to read my journal or look at my work outside of session too but that's just how she works.

I completely relate to this. Sometimes I've talked to my T about my fear that he'll reject me like the last one did. Actually, we haven't talked about it. I've just mentioned it as part of another discussion. He says he won't. I've quizzed him hard about what he'd do if he felt like rejecting me - and he had very good answers that were reassuring. I'm still afraid he'll dump me, and he's given no evidence that he would do so - which isn't the same thing as him not doing things that make me afraid he might. Have you talked to her about this? (yikes. I just realized I haven't talked about this. I've mentioned it, but not really talked about it. Note to self: talk to T about this)

TBH Syra, what i think is that therapists think they know what they're asking for without being prepared for what they might actually get. So she might think she wants me to reach out to her, to attach to her securely etc but in all likelihood she has no idea what that entails, is she even prepared for the journey ahead?
Maybe it's just better not to go "there" in the first place. And that's what i'm trying to achieve by not contacting her outside of session. I'm not good at being balanced lol i'm either at one end of the spectrum or the other it seems.

I journal to my t outside of session also, but not every time. I think it can be helpful to address some stuff that way (or at least bring it up). I'm finding tho (at least for me), I then forget what I had mentioned i wanted to talk about...
I think maybe she's just trying to bring focus to the work. Then, if there's something you definitely need to address, you will bring it up in season rather than just reply on the journaling. I've noticed I step back and let my t pick what she thinks is important to address when I write it all down. I end up missing the chance to talk about stuff I really want to cover. For myself, I've decided I want to read her the latest entry so I can focus on what I feel really needs it... I don't know if you tend to do the same thing and she's trying to give you more immediate control over the season that way?

Makes sense to me. And I agree. Sometimes, and some (too many) Ts like to try to engineer things - and they don't understand what they don't know. I really admire your ability to make sure you are feeling safe. I ignored that, and now I regret it. But I couldn't make myself. It was too enticing for me. So I learned some other, painful lessons, along with some good lessons.

For me the journal is just an outlet at the time of distress, i don't feel the need to discuss it in session and in fact, by the time session comes i can barely remember what i wrote. So it's not that important, but it is perhaps useful that she reads it to get a feel for what i'm thinking at the times of distress.
I think she is trying to bring focus back to the work in the room but since we never discussed the journal (that was never the intention of it) then what i wrote in it never took attention away from the session anyway. All that's changed is now i've not to bring the journal in and as a result she won't know what's going on outside of session.

So either she's doing it a) in the hope that i'm going to store up all that emotion and bring to session and produce art work or B) in the hope that when i feel bad at home rather than writing in the journal i contact her and allow her to help me

I ignored it too Syra, i was enticed by the hope that i could be dependant on a therapist and i got hurt. I'm making sure that never happens again.