[Teddy:)]

I find i struggle to not hide during my sessions with my T. My form of hiding is behind a cushion. I am not entirely sure why I do it, but I think it is a way of stopping any uncomfortable feelings from a merging, I find I also sometimes unknowingly stroke my index finger back and forwards whilst I am hiding, I feel it relaxes me.

It really bugs me that I have to keep hiding though, my T is very nice and doesnt worry, sometimes she will ask me what is making me hide, but i usually have a hard time explaining it, and then i end up getting embarrassed. I have tried to resist from grabbing the cushion but I end up not concentrating and feel very exposed without it

Does anyone else do this? Have you ever found yourself hiding during your therapy session? If so what's your reason behind hiding?

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Teddy:)

I find i struggle to not hide during my sessions with my T. My form of hiding is behind a cushion. I am not entirely sure why I do it, but I think it is a way of stopping any uncomfortable feelings from a merging, I find I also sometimes unknowingly stroke my index finger back and forwards whilst I am hiding, I feel it relaxes me.

It really bugs me that I have to keep hiding though, my T is very nice and doesnt worry, sometimes she will ask me what is making me hide, but i usually have a hard time explaining it, and then i end up getting embarrassed. I have tried to resist from grabbing the cushion but I end up not concentrating and feel very exposed without it

Does anyone else do this? Have you ever found yourself hiding during your therapy session? If so what's your reason behind hiding?

Hi darling, I too hide during my sessions and while kind, T has pointed it out mainly because she can't read my ever telling face when I do it. She says I do it as a defense mechanism or whenever the subject gets tough or personal; like once when I first walked in, I sat down and put the pillow up in my lap and she said "I see you've got a wall up today..." I think that the barrier is more of a sense of security (like a blanket or a thumb) and don't feel it is a problem so much. If it bothers you not to reach for the pillow, you're likely more productive using the barrier until you unconsciously find yourself not needing it as much.

[~EnlightenMe~]

I hide behind my purse usually. Even then, I don't feel hidden enough I feel uncomfortable moving I don't know what is wrong with me

[Canyon]

I totally relate to you. I think many patients do this.

I think I probably do this to the extreme. I don't really use any physical barriers such as pillows but I do use mental and emotional ones. I tend to just zone out during sessions, if not totally (mentally and emotionally), then I do turn off emotionally at the least.

Maybe we do this out of fear of being hurt or rejected? If we don't totally put ourselves out there, then we can't be totally crushed? I think maybe the problem with that is that we might not fully get what we need.

It is such a hard thing. I feel ya there.

My T doesn't have cushions so I use my hands. I can be talking about something and look down and my hands are making stop and pushing away gestures. I think I'm fine talking about the subject but my hands are telling a differnt story. I can't seem to consciously control this.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't hide but I do bring soda and drink it through a straw. It's a lot like smoking in session.

I used to hide behind cushions too!

[Hoppery]

If I get some therapy, I know for a fact that I'll be hiding behind my tangle toy. For me, I mess around with it when I feel nervous or worried. It's like a comfort blanket for me. I already do it when I have appointments with mental health nurse specialist or phycratrists. And I even do it when I just think about subjects that are too intense or bring out emotions.

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by Hoppery

If I get some therapy, I know for a fact that I'll be hiding behind my tangle toy. For me, I mess around with it when I feel nervous or worried. It's like a comfort blanket for me. I already do it when I have appointments with mental health nurse specialist or phycratrists. And I even do it when I just think about subjects that are too intense or bring out emotions.

Ah, tangle toy! That brings back memories. I had one once that I would take to therapy and twist around like mad. It annoyed my therapist to no end. She finally said so and said that I was distracting her.

For the last session that I was to see her, I brought in this HUGE tangle toy that I had found in a specialty shop. I had it wrapped around my neck. We had a big laugh out of that.

[BonnieJean]

I hold one of the couch pillows. I can't seem not to. It has dots and squares in a geometric shape that I often trace with my finger.

[Hoppery]

I like them. I'm buying more. They help me feel calmer. I'm trying to replace biting my nails, with the tangle toy. It works. I don't give a damn if it annoys anyone surrounding me, haha. They'll just have to put up with it!

[Mactastic]

I have always wanted to hide behind a pillow in session but so far I've managed not to. I feel like by holding the pillow on my chest I'm sending the message that I'm weak. Funny how much we all analyze this

I always have a pillow in my lap but for me its not about hiding its about having something to do with my hands.... one had a big button on it and a fake loop to button it and i would button and unbutton it... or it has a pattern on it to trace or a tag on it to rub between my fingers... that to me is about my anxiety...

lately my T and I are discussing trauma and i either usually slouch down so much in the sofa so that I'm looking at the ceiling and not T... or now that we are working through a workbook... I sometimes hold the workbook up in front of my face... I even said that was what i was doing...hiding behind the workbook..he just smiled... This is shame...embarrassement... fear of being disgusting...rejected...etc.

[purplemystery]

I hide too, though I feel like a guest, so I would be afraid to hold one of the pillows without asking or something. Otherwise I would! But my way of hiding is hunching over so that I'm looking at my lap and my T can't see my face at all. I almost never make eye contact, and it's really starting to bother me because I lose so much connection that way. It's kind of like I'm pretending my T isn't there- I don't feel safe otherwise.

It's so tough being vulnerable, so I understand the desire to hide. If you can't concentrate otherwise though, maybe it's not necessarily a bad thing that you hide. You are doing what you need to do to make it through therapy. But if it really bothers you and you would like to change it, maybe you could even ask your T to hide the pillows before you come in or something.

[Arha]

Originally Posted by ~EnlightenMe~

I hide behind my purse usually. Even then, I don't feel hidden enough I feel uncomfortable moving I don't know what is wrong with me

I feel uncomfortable moving too. Don't worry - you are not the only one!
It is a way to try to hide or escape notice.
I worry about what the T will think if I so much as move my hands, let alone reach to put a tissue in the bin.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by ~EnlightenMe~

I hide behind my purse usually. Even then, I don't feel hidden enough I feel uncomfortable moving I don't know what is wrong with me

I feel the same way! I stay as stiff and unmoving as possible. Even if I so much as want to scratch my chin, it feels risky because I don't want to attract the attention. There is nothing wrong with you.

[Mactastic]

God, I love this site. I love that I can read about people being afraid to move in session for fear of being seen...so strange but so relatable!! It feels good to know we all have company.

Turtles wear a shell for good reason!

My first therapist was not a good fit for me. As she was terminating me she mentioned that none of her other clients hid behind a cushion and she didn't understand it. I have always held a cushion in my lap. I told her that I was not the only one. She said that may be true but she was not the therapist for that. In our two years together I was never able to connect with her. That was a very painful termination.

My current therapist does not have cushions so I began to use my coat. My coat was always in my lap even in the middle of summer. I remember one very vulnerable session where I had stretched the coat from my knees to above my chin without realizing it. I was as covered as I possibly could be. She understood. Her only comment on my various degrees of hiding each session was that she hoped one day I would not need to. Once I tried to go to therapy wearing open sandals, and even that felt too exposed. I had to turn around and go home to change my shoes.

After a few years of working on trust and connection I think I don't need to hide any more. I found a level of comfort and can now leave my coat at home. This didn't happen by itself - I feel this comfort in other areas of my therapy too. I don't 'pre-digest' my topics to make sure it is all safe to talk about any more either. I can now tell her when she has upset me too. Many things have changed.

I think for me that being exposed and vulnerable all at once was very scary. I needed to be in control of what felt safe to share moment by moment. Somehow being covered physically helped me feel more in control. I'm not sure why.

Turtle

[Arha]

I think a good therapist will note this sort of thing and only discuss it when the person feels OK about it. For your first T to have an issue with it, turtle, suggests to me that they were not a good T.