[dolphinlover8]

My old therapist moved a couple years ago. I would email him every now and then. I told him about my transference feelings for him. He was very open about talking about it. He always told me that he enjoyed hearing from me. Recently he basically said that he doesn't want me emailing him anymore. I am so hurt. He said I need to find someone else to talk to and by emailing him isn't making it easy for me with the transference I am going through. It hurts so bad knowing that I will never see or talk to him again. He was the ONLY one I wanted to talk to and the only one I trust completely. I just can't move on from him. I got too attached and comfortable with him that this is what it did to me. It did nothing but hurt me. I don't want to get to close anyone again. I'm scared of this happening again. I don't like therapy anymore but i know if I stop I won't have anyone to talk to. I'm closing down on everyone and everything. It helped knowing that he was there through email but now I will NEVER be able to talk to him or see him again.

[Bill3]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[tooski]

I can imagine how painful this must be for you if your feelings have lasted for several years. I'm really so sorry. Would it be possible for you to propose some sort of transition plan with him? So you could have a couple of months to taper off and find someone else? Maybe one email a month for 3 or 4 months, or something like that. Ask him for referrals or some suggestions for how to make this easier for you?

It just sounds like a really painful situation. I think it would help if you had another T to help you work through this. Don't worry about becoming attached again or feeling like you have to trust, etc. Just someone to talk to while you sort through the pain, so you're not alone.

I'm so sorry - this must be so difficult.

[dolphinlover8]

Thanks for trying to help. I have a therapist now. No one will be the same as him though. I have already had 3 therapists since he has been gone and it's not the same. When he first moved he recommended me to someone but it didn't work out. I can't email him anymore. He doesn't want to hear from me anymore.

[unaluna]

Maybe keeping that line of communication open has prevented you from bonding with anyone else. Its easier when its one-way like that - the other person can do no wrong, so no ruptures. And ruptures and their repair is an important part of therapy. So youre probably right - it will never be as "good", but maybe it can be more real.

[dolphinlover8]

Yeah it did keep me from wanting anyone else. I have been pushing people away (not meaning to) because I only want him and I'm scared of getting close to anyone else. I can see where he is coming from when he said that it's making it harder for me by continuing to email him but emailing him and knowing he was there through email was so much better than now which is nothing.

[unaluna]

Im surprised he even started an email relationship. Usually ts cut things off when they leave. Now i understand why. It doesnt just delay the inevitable, it really makes it more difficult in a lot of ways if they dont.

[dolphinlover8]

He didn't know about the transference until a year after he left. I told him through email. Before he left he told me I can email him and that he would still be there for me even though he is moving away. He just said he wouldn't do therapy online though. I have been wondering that if I never told him about the transference in the first place would he have said what he said yesterday.

[Asiablue]

I think he's doing it precisely because he cares. He is seeing that by supporting you via email that it's preventing you from making real life connections. Tough love so to speak.

[unaluna]

This reminds me of my session last week with my t. Something about - now i remember, it was a weird story, but it was about, why was it so important for me to be sure my interpretation of events was correct. Without checking them out, without asking the other person. Its dangerous to ask the other person - you might get hurt. Thats what youre saying now - if you hadnt mentioned it, it would have been okay? But it would have been imaginary. A fool's paradise, as they say.

[Rzay4]

I'm so sorry, I too have two Ts that I remain in contact with. Though I have only email every once in awhile.

I can relate though with my relationship with a nurse. She accused me of falling in love with her. This was totally wrong. Since then they have cut all contact. I'm heartbroken.

[dolphinlover8]

Asiablue-Yeah your probably right. I don't think he was trying to hurt me.
Hankster- I see what you are saying.
I'm just so upset. It's all I can think about. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept waking thinking about it crying.
Rzay4 - sounds like you have a very similar situation and you can relate. It does hurt a lot to lose someone that meant a lot to you.

[unaluna]

How long were you seeing this therapist? This sounds like abandonment issues, also known as inner child work? Or depth work. Also it could make a difference for the kind of therapist you see. A counselor vs a psychotherapist - if you google that, it will explain it. I feel like ive gotten over my abandonment stuff to the point where im not completely miserable all the time, but im still not able to take good care of myself and be as hsppy and productive as id like to be. Its like of , minus, zero, positive - im still hovering around zero. Still being IN your abandonment issues definitely feels like minus, but they are really feelings from the past. I can "hear" my mother saying, "if you let the past bother you now, you really are stupid!" Well, then yes im stupid, so sue me. But it feels like a part of me. And im pretty sure i didnt put it there myself.

[dolphinlover8]

I was only seeing him for 4 months but I knew him for 2 years before we started therapy. In a way I guess it is abandonment issues because whenever I get close to someone they always leave me. I know he was a social worker so I don't think he was a psychotherapist. I'm sorry that you are still having a hard time with your abandonment issues.

[Rzay4]

Yeah I can relate and hopefully with time it will hurt less. I'll always miss this nurse we only knew each other for 2 weeks but we bonded. I will miss her till the end of time.

[dolphinlover8]

I'm sorry. I'm sure it will hurt less over time just like you said.