[IndestructibleGirl]

We were talking about my past abuse, memories, past conversations, etc. It's been the first time actually speaking about this niggling sensation I have of something not quite right regarding inappropriate touching, or something.

I was recalling an instance of intense verbal aggression/ anger/violence towards me, aged about 4. I kept saying to my therapist "but it's not relevant, this particular thing - it doesn't matter now cause I'm over it and it doesn't get to me now, even though I remember how it made me feel then" and she pushed a bit and WHAM suddenly everything rushed into me and it was like I was back there, in that moment, and back then I froze up and shut him out but now, in the present I started laughing and knowing I was going to cry - so I bolted out of the room.

Our room is four flights up, in this grand old Georgian building, so I ran down numerous stairs and then sat on a step, still shaking and grinning like an absolute idiot, until I calmed down, and went back up to her.

She was great and I felt totally fine with coming back in to her and stuff, and we made an agreement that I'll sort of try to notice if I'm approaching what I can't tolerate in future, and that it would be okay to actually get upset or melt down there in her office (I know this, I just can't do it yet it seems, though I love her and trust her etc etc - I hate being so sloooow ) and referred to a scene from Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon's character cracks and Robin Williams is there for him or whatever, I've not seen the film myself.

I just wanted to write this down somewhere. It was weird and bizarre to lose that much control and I'm a bit unnerved but I guess I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that it'll eventually be okay.

Aaaaaand breathe

[CantExplain]

Sounds like a breakthrough!

[peppermint1]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

We were talking about my past abuse, memories, past conversations, etc. It's been the first time actually speaking about this niggling sensation I have of something not quite right regarding inappropriate touching, or something.

I was recalling an instance of intense verbal aggression/ anger/violence towards me, aged about 4. I kept saying to my therapist "but it's not relevant, this particular thing - it doesn't matter now cause I'm over it and it doesn't get to me now, even though I remember how it made me feel then" and she pushed a bit and WHAM suddenly everything rushed into me and it was like I was back there, in that moment, and back then I froze up and shut him out but now, in the present I started laughing and knowing I was going to cry - so I bolted out of the room.

Our room is four flights up, in this grand old Georgian building, so I ran down numerous stairs and then sat on a step, still shaking and grinning like an absolute idiot, until I calmed down, and went back up to her.

She was great and I felt totally fine with coming back in to her and stuff, and we made an agreement that I'll sort of try to notice if I'm approaching what I can't tolerate in future, and that it would be okay to actually get upset or melt down there in her office (I know this, I just can't do it yet it seems, though I love her and trust her etc etc - I hate being so sloooow ) and referred to a scene from Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon's character cracks and Robin Williams is there for him or whatever, I've not seen the film myself.

I just wanted to write this down somewhere. It was weird and bizarre to lose that much control and I'm a bit unnerved but I guess I do believe, in my heart of hearts, that it'll eventually be okay.

Aaaaaand breathe

I can kinda relate to this, I trust my t a lot, and we are starting to tackle some similar childhood experiences, I have been trying my best to not break in front of him but I'm afraid of it slipping out. How do you know when it is safe?
Good work on your part!

[sweepy62]

you did great, you went back to her, I dont think I would have been able to have gone back.
Good job, kudos to your t and yourself.

[Karrebear]

Im surprised she didn't go after you!

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you all

Ha, Karrebear - if she had gone after me that would have not ended at all well! It's a lovely fantasy for me to think if she had followed me that I could just melt down right in front of her (on the stairway ) and that somehow it would all be okay - but in reality if she had come anywhere near me for those few minutes, I'd have kept running. Out of the building and as far away as necessary to guarantee my privacy. I know I'm probably a bit odd but as it stands I CANNOT let her see me weeping and warped with pain. I think we're taking delicate steps towards it, but right now NO BLOODY WAY! When I came back, she asked how I felt about it, that she'd reckoned on giving it a few more minutes and then hunting for me, if I wanted her to come after me if I did it again - I said no, thank you. I'll always come back if I feel I have enough space to pull away when I really need to

Peppermint, as for knowing when is it safe - I think you just know instinctively when you trust your relationship. But for me actually knowing it's safe doesn't make a blind bit of difference I know it's a safe place, I even feel it's safe, I'm with a safe person - but I don't trust myself. What will emerge out of me. I just feel pure white hot shame. I feel like my therapist does care, but I feel ashamed for being so unlovable that I'm in this mess in the first place. Those feelings came up, on top of the distress of what I was talking about, and I needed to get them the **** out of my face and I bolted

[Bill3]

She seems to know you well: to know that it would be better to not follow.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Bill3

She seems to know you well: to know that it would be better to not follow.

She does indeed! I reminded myself of one of my horses actually - my mare used to be very nervous around lots of things, and I'd have to lead her past stuff on a long line, so when she panicked and pulled away, I could still keep hold of her by letting out a few lengths of rope. She'd jig about but not break away completely. Then she gradually started to trust me, and stopped freaking out and pulling away from me, and if she gets scared (rare, nowadays) I talk to her and scratch her neck and she believes me when I tell her it'll be okay I hope I go the same way!