Unable to open up

This could be triggering for CSA. I'm finding some difficulties in therapy. Sometimes, T (TT or former T, not LCM for those of you following that) will ask me a question about something that is difficult. I find myself hearing the words in my head and being unable to make my mouth speak.

For example, former T asked me how it felt to talk about some CSA.
My mouth said: "I don't know. I feel nothing"
My mind said "I feel slightly aroused but not in a comfortable way. Unwanted and unpleasant sexual arousal. And I feel deeply ashamed for that because if I'm getting a rise out of the story and I tell you, you'll think I'm just telling you some sick fantasy. I also feel ashamed because what if I got some pleasure from what happened? I liked it and that's messed up".

When I got home from session last thurs, I immediately broke out my notebook and wrote down the answers to the questions T asked that I couldn't get my mouth answer.

Does anyone else have this problem? Why is it so physically hard to talk about this stuff? How have you guys overcome this?

There is nothing about these thoughts you could say to TT that would surprise or disgust her (your former T is so inexperienced, I can't say.) This was discussed on a past thread that may help you: http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...elong-you.html

Your feelings and reactions about this are not unusual. The shame isn't yours.

At the moment, although I like A. a lot. I cannot tell him a lot of things verbally, I do it by email to him instead. Although this could be down to me not trusting him yet as I haven't had him for very long and might change in the future, as I get to know and trust him.

I don't have anything useful to say but I know exactly how you feel. I feel shame about being aroused in the same way.

I have such trouble speaking what's on my mind. I don't express my emotions well, and so I freak out whenever I have strong emotions. I am slowly improving, but sometimes it takes 10 minutes for a simple sentence to go from my head to my T's ears.

Hmm. The shame I feel doesn't belong to me. So I can't feel ashamed or I'm feeling the shame for someone else? Probably the latter. It's just difficult to embrace that because I feel it so deeply.