[granite1]

omg I was so terrified but I felt very brave a defiant because I knew I had an out I was not going back.

as we went upstairs to her office I asked her if I could get my blanket .she said absolutely. she keeps it in her closet. when we got in her room she asked if I wanted to wrap up in it . o said I just didn't want to forget it .she said oh.

I asked her if she had read the email I had sent .she said that she had she asked if this was what I wanted to talk about
I said yes. so she got it and had actually made 2 copies and handed one to me saying why don't we look at this together. I was so surprised knowing how against e-mail she was that she read it . so she asked how should we start thing .I said I don't know how about saying goodbye (kind of still scared) she said ummm no, we have been working together for I think 4 years and you have for the first time told me that you were sexually abused and I don't want you to run and hide from this. it would be the worst thing I could do. I told her that I understand this but that it isn't working . she argued that in fact it was but that I just can see it right now. she said that it may have taken me 4 years to tell her about the sexual abuse and that just a few weeks ago I had told her about the mother burning my fingers. she asked me to look at her and I did and she actually had tears in her eyes.not really like rolling down her face tears but hugely watery eyes. now either she has allergies or she was actually showing some emotion . as I looked at her she said you need to know that what happened to you is beyond comprehensible . how your mother could hurt you like that and that despicable person could sexually abuse you like that. you need to know that I do not now, or ever will see you as disgusting. I see you as strong, amazing and absolutely perfect the way you are.. she said she was sorry that she did not do more at the time to help me feel more comforted, she should have done better. I venomly told her I did not want her to comfort me . and she change what she said to help me feel that I would be able to get through this .that it was normal the reaction I had and that she could have done a better job at letting me know it will be ok and that I am not disgusting at all. and that those feelings do get better. (not convinced) she said the she wishes she could promise me that it would be all roses and chocolate but that isn't true .that things could get a lot worse before they get better .

I asked again about what if I cant talk. she brought up the other ways of communicating again like the coloring ,drawing reading ,playing games . I think I need to figure out my resistance to this. if I could she would work with me that way . this is one of the things she needs to meet me on some middle ground. to help me feel ok about communicating in this way instead of me feeling she is angry at me for not talking . she said she is never angry at me and that I need to be able to believe her when she tells me this. I told her that that was even harder for me to do. she agreed but didn't give me a solution. she did say that sometimes I come across as so strong that she forgets about how much pain I can be in that kind of confused me. I don't see my self as strong at all.

she tried to explain what is happening right now. she said that the horrendous sexual abuse( how does she know how horrendous it was ?I never told her) I suffered as a child over such a period of time has left me with all these horrible feelings .when all these memories are brought up and so are these feelings .she thinks that I cant handle them and that it is easier right now to put them on other people . like id I feel disgusting I feel it is my T that thinks im disgusting. it feels so darn real I find it hard to hear her say it isn't coming from her that it is coming from me. I have issues with this. I feel she did stuff to foster this reaction. like not helping me to open up about it and ending the session by saying that if I want to talk about something I need to bring it up. BU I think she figured something out. she wants to work on some worksheets next week about trauma and emotions. but I needed to remind her and bring it up. not again .I asked her what if I forget .she said your right it is my job to remember not yours and that she would right a note to remember to copy them and put them out for me. so maybe she gets it .

in the end she was so so supportive and empathetic about the little bit I told her .she kept asking me to look at her so she could make sure I was hearing what she was saying about me not being disgusting and that together I will get through this and that it will get better she said other things like pointing out how far I have come and trying to point out that maybe I do trust her and that I said what I said to her because at that point I ay have been ready to talk about it. but she understands also that there are times that I am not ready to talk about it .she also reminded me with all that I have endured I do have a good life .I told he that I can see that but that I don't always feel that .she explained because I seem to live on two different plains. the life I had now and the life I had then and that the two do not coincide and that keeps me from being able to experience the happiness of the life I have .it is her job to be able to help me integrate them over time

I think that we still have some stuff to talk about but I think she genuinely wants to help me .and today tried to meet me half way

she asked me some simple questions about the CSA but really seemed understanding about it .and dare I say empathetic

[HazelGirl]

She sounds like a wonderful T. And she's right, you know. It's a thing called projection, where you take your opinions and place them on someone else because it's easier to handle them coming from someone else.

[LolaCabanna]

Bravo Granite, I am glad you had a "good session" and that you actually felt heard by her. So happy for you and proud.

[growlycat]

What a powerful session. Those are like platinum. The deepest value of therapy is in the hard work.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CC Bloom

Bravo Granite, I am glad you had a "good session" and that you actually felt heard by her. So happy for you and proud.

I have left my options open with two other T's

[LolaCabanna]

Originally Posted by granite1

I have left my options open with two other T's

options are good but I am glad your T stepped up and reached out, 4 years is a long time.

[CantExplain]

((Granite))

A T's tears are worth more than diamonds.

Could your T be right when she says you look much tougher than you feel?

I still think she needs to be much more flexible about email. Without email she never would have known.

Let me spell it out: Ts are wrong to despise email. This is a lesson the whole profession needs to learn.

[sweepy62]

wow granite, Iam so proud of you, you finally did it, kudos to you and your t, I remember when I first disclosed, and I have only scratched the surface, and its going to be long term.You can do it, remember I have to start over with a new t, and I am not sure I can do it, but I am sure you will do fine.

Wow...Granite... I'm so proud of you!!!!!

You let her know what you needed and she heard you!!! That was a very powerful session... I'm so glad you felt heard....and that you were able to stay "in the moment" enough to really hear what your T was saying.

Great work! You should be very proud of yourself....

[DelusionsDaily]

Granite- you did an awesome job with T today. Just take it slow...this may still work with this T but if it doesn't you know you have options. Awesome job today!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Auntie2014]

It sounds like you are more comfortable after you session. T needs to learn from you what ques to take when you are talking about the abuse. I am sure that it will take a little time for you to openly talk through some of it. I can tell you that it does get easier the more you talk. It took me over 40 years to be able to start talking about something that I always knew happened to me. it has it took me another 11 years to put words to what I was told would happen to me if I told anyone.

Like you, I ended up writing about it first and giving the note to T. I went in to the first session after my note expecting the worst session in our long history together. The amazing thing I remember from that session is that T told me congratulations you have taken back your power from your abuser. When she said that I felt like a huge weight was taken off of my shoulders. I have often said that I walked into the session feeling like a wall flower and walked out feeling like Wonder Woman. The way I felt that day has helped me deal with the abuser and family members many times since.

My wish for you is that you too may some day feel that you have taken back your power from your abuser

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Granite))

I still think she needs to be much more flexible about email. Without email she never would have known.

Let me spell it out: Ts are wrong to despise email. This is a lesson the whole profession needs to learn.

I think maybe her T doesn't despise email, that she would prefer Granite to
speak in session instead of writing in email, but then never bringing it up. Obviously she read Granite's email and even printed out copies, because she does see how important it was. Maybe for lesser things, she might not bring it up unless Granite does. My T never did, and she read my emails, but if I didn't bring them up, she didn't either unless I was in major distress or something similar.

I do agree that maybe she needs to be a little more amneable to it for Granite, but she wasn't angry at her that she wrote it

GRANITE, deep down I just knew she would step up for this session, well I hoped she would. I think seeing the other two T's are a good thing. Do you have an idea what you want to say? Tell them that you have a very hard time talking (i would stress this point, because I think most T's expect people to have trouble talkign), and wanted to see what tools they can use to help you. Maybe specifically ask if they allow you to send emails.

Did your T mention that she received your phone call? I also agree that she probably sees you as strong because maybe you don't show much emotion? I know inside you feel so so much emotion, but what we show on the outside is usually much different than what we feel on the inside. I agree with your T that you are having trouble with such terrible feelings that your mother put upon you, that you think everyone (you included) feels that way about you, when it generally isn't true.

So, how do you feel about all of this?

wow granite, i am SO PROUD of you, what a powerful session you had!! It sounds like you did some really great work today. I haven't been around much lately as work is super crazy busy in January but I'm glad I checked in tonite and saw this. You should be very proud of yourself. Great work. Hugs to you.

[rainbow8]

Thank you for sharing, granite. I can see that you heard T's words today. The fact that she read your email and made copies tells you that she's not as rigid as you thought she was. Her tears show how much she cares about you, maybe more than her words. A hard session but a productive one!

You did great today grante and we're all proud of you.

Very proud of you Granite. I'm glad you will still keep the other T's in mind as well.

Granite, somehow I missed this thread yesterday. For perhaps the first time since I've been reading your posts, you have described what happened in your session in a calm, reasoned, and clear manner. You are actually relaying what she said and did instead of what you sort of heard her say and what you thought she meant (almost always negatively) about you by what she did. You have been a "master" of projection for these 4years. I say that in the most affectionate way. I deeply admire your strength, but your stubbornness of thought is often your worst enemy (says me, who has been described as incredibly bull-headed)

You know I have always been of the opinion that your T has been working very hard to find ways to help you. Some efforts have worked; some haven't. Some you have responded well to; some you have resisted vehemently. That's just the way therapy goes sometimes. But you have made significant gains in the last year or so.

I see your progress in your ability to communicate what you need; you've broken through that barrier of silence. That's huge. You've been able to start trusting your T, so much so that you have entrusted her with your most frightening secrets. That's huge.

This T has always been your advocate. Has she made some errors along the way? Sure. They ALL do. That's okay. She's still learning you and you are still learning her. The danger lies not in errors. The danger is in not being willing to see and try to learn from those errors. That goes for both of you.

I think your T showed great insight in her evaluation of why you are wanting to "run" right now and why you have been so convinced others think you are disgusting. I hope you can now continue to do the wonderful job you are of looking more calmly at your therapy, hearing more clearly the actual message you are being given, and taking these newfound realizations about your T, your therapy, and yourself to move forward.

Sometimes our pasts are so horrible that we desperately use all of our energy to hide from them. The cruel irony is that in trying to flee from our past, we get stuck there.

I'm going to share a recurrent dream that haunted me for years. (Don't worry. It is symbolic, not literal), and then I'll shut up. I used to have this dream that I was a low-flying bird, and I looked to my left to see the lights of an oncoming car. I knew it was dangerous. I was terrified of it. I knew I had to get away from it. In my terror of it though, I became frozen in my position. I flapped and flapped my wings desperately to get out of the way, but I couldn't fly forward. I couldn't fly anywhere in fact. I was going to die because I was paralyzed by my own fear.

That's as far as that dream ever got. It was a terrifying dream to me, but the ultimate demise that I feared so much never happened. In my real life, once I took a deep enough breath to look forward and actually see that a different ending was possible for me if I just stopped trying to flee from my fear, that dream stopped.

You don't have to stay frozen in spot, Granite. Your T is helping you find the way out of your hiding place, but it is oh so scary to come out of the dark.

[elliemay]

I know you said that you are keeping your options open with 2 other therapists. I get that "out". It's nice to have isn't it?

However, you just made a breakthrough with your current therapist (so proud! of you) and I worry that should you bolt, you would just have to start all over with a new therapist.

i remember all those years you struggled to talk. I remember how painful that was for you.

I would never wish that for you again.

It's weird how we can forget/ignore/deny pain. The pain now seems to be the worst ever, but there is a record of what you went through on these boards.

We are your archivists of your struggle.

I hope you would stay the course here. You just bounded forward miles on your journey and your therapist was right there with you. Again, this is not a stumble, this is a leap.

I'm happy for you.

There will be emotions, and powerful ones. It's OKAY! You have some words now and over time you will develop new ones. Telling has a way, in its own time, of vanquishing shame.

You did a great thing for yourself here.

Glad I could be witness to it.

[WikidPissah]

(((chickie))) you know I you.

Good job.

[granite1]

have no idea what I would do without you here and in my life ((chica))

just so ya know this is the urban definition of chica

chica
A name for a girl, preferably an extremely hot girl, that you find pride in just knowing her.

[granite1]

I have only one more thing today I need to express and maybe you guys have an outlook.

I don't know who my T is .is she the person I saw yesterday can I trust this T or is she the T I saw the week before, all closed up and strong and all boundaries .

do I trust this T I saw yesterday or is it just what I am seeing . she said that I need to believe her

[unaluna]

Thats why stopdog says they're wily i think if you read over your excellent posts from both weeks, you'll see. I told my t last week how impressive your work is - not just the writing, but the psychological thought behind it. It's more explanatory and enlightening than anything ive ever read in a book. But its from YOU. the interplay of understanding between you and your t is like a dance.

Can she possibly be both? My pdoc has two distinct approaches. The usual is soft and quiet spoke. The other is much firmer and directive. Both are him. Both are okay. Don't you have varying personality traits from time to time? Why can't your T be that way also?

If she is being firmer and it bothers you though, you need to ask her THEN AND THERE why she is using that approach and that it is making you uncomfortable. DO NOT leave her office without having that discussion or you will spiral into wild thinking immediately only to find out later she wasn't mad at you , or she didn't think it was safe for you to leave without addressing a particular topic, etc. Generally she will have a reason for changing her approach, and you can absolutely ask way.

Maybe she will have a bad day here or there, but I suspect usually there is a specific reason for what she does and it is NOT that she is mad at you or disgusted with you or hates you or wants you to leave, etc. That's the kind of thinking that she is telling you she completely understands where it is coming from, but you also need to recognize where it is coming from and slow that thinking down.

Your post was excellent. Print it off and hang it somewhere that you can remember to look when those horrible thoughts start intruding. She's a good T, Granite. Trust that she has your best interests in mind.

[HazelGirl]

She is both. She has boundaries and strength because that's part of who she is. But she also has gentleness and care, because that's also part of her. One of the problems with trauma is that it forms a "black and white" view of the world.
People are either A or they're B, never both. But the reality of this world is that everyone is both.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

Thats why stopdog says they're wily i think if you read over your excellent posts from both weeks, you'll see. I told my t last week how impressive your work is - not just the writing, but the psychological thought behind it. It's more explanatory and enlightening than anything ive ever read in a book. But its from YOU. the interplay of understanding between you and your t is like a dance.

can I confess that I don't know what wily means lol got to go look it up