[refika]

I've been working with my T for a year and about a few months after I started going, I lied to T about 2 events that happened in my life. I basically told T that I suffered through 2 traumatic events that really didn't happen. The problem is, both of the events happened many, many years ago. One of the events I never told anyone (and just made it up to T in response to a question he asked if such an event ever happened to me). The other event I told to a lot of people, so much so that it almost feels real, and now I'm thinking it DID happen, though somehow my mind is saying it didn't.

The problem is I'm really getting into the deeper stuff with T and I really feel like I can let my guard down completely and be 100% honest and open with T. I feel like I need to come clean with these lies, but I'm also not sure if I should. Every time I think I should tell T, I keep thinking why tell T I lied? What if I never mentioned it ever again and let the lies quietly fade away, wouldn't that work?

Then I keep thinking that I should tell T so we can work through WHY I told the lies to begin with and really get to the root of my problems. Then I get scared T will reject me, fire me as a client, be disappointed in me, etc., and then I keep quiet and vow not to say anything.

The thing is keeping these secrets from T is starting to bother me and I keep getting this nagging feeling like I have to tell them. Then I just go in circles again and ask myself why I should tell T and put myself through the torture...I guess I just need to hear rationale and reason and maybe some advice...I don't know.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I completely understand you and have been in a similar situation. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being eaten alive by guilt.
I get the feeling of "let it go, never bring it up again and it will go away".

Though you should be 100% honest with your T for the relationship and therapy to be beneficial, I have made the personal decision to not tell her the truth. I, for sure, will not do it again. I just have such an amazing relationship and bond with her that it would devastate me to lose her trust and potentially have her terminate me as a client. She told me if the time ever comes where she takes something I say or do personally, she will have no choice but to terminate for ethical reasons and refer me to a new T. The reason for this is that she would have a warped perception of me and that would really get in the way of being able to help me, moving forward.

I do feel as if I need to "come clean" about the lie though. Even though I am already pretty sure of my reason for lying, I do feel it needs to be further explored. I decided to do this with a new therapist, though. Someone who is unbiased and could look at the situation objectively.

I know it's a crummy feeling.

[anilam]

I think telling the truth could be beneficial for you in the long run. Ts are used to clients telling some lies- I did, I denied stg happened in the beginning, after 3yr I came clean. It was awkward, however, my T was pretty great about that- said he shouldn't have asked in the first place, we did talk about why I felt I couldn't tell him though. So be prepared for that to happen.
I do lie quite a lot , to my friends and family I keep pretending I have a BF (8yr now, on and off thing, his name, pic, job... everything and sometimes it does feel real:/) Pathetic I know and it's difficult, incredibly time-consuming and I do wish I didn't have to but than try to explain that I've never been in RS (BF/GF), am not looking for one, not go into CSA stuff and still keep the facade of being (quite) normal- can't happen:/
So for me having the one person(=T) I can be 100% honest with is therapeutical in it's self.

[feralkittymom]

Refika, the fact that it is bothering you means that it is in the way. It might make it easier to deal with to reframe how you think about your disclosure. Does the "lie" reflect a deeper psychological truth for you? Did the disclosure fill a need in the moment, in the relationship, or a long-standing need in your life? Do you feel like the "lie" protected you from some feeling or thought? Did it express a fear?

If you can take guilt out of the equation and think in terms of what psychological purpose the "lie" served, you will feel more at ease bringing it up. If your T is normally competent, I think that's how he'd view it.

Hopeless, when your T spoke of taking something personally, I doubt she was thinking of this sort of situation. She would have to feel personally invested in a way that was greater than her professional concern for you psychologically to see the issue judgmentally. Is it possible this is in any way connected to your leaving therapy for awhile? Give telling her some more thought.

[refika]

Anilam,

I can understand lying and pretending to have a BF/GF. I did that in high school after getting tired of being made fun of and having people think I was a lesbian (this was many, many years ago when people were more homophobic than they are now).

I'm beginning to realize that making up stories about myself has been a somewhat recurring pattern. Feralkitty, yes, you're right. I know this is a great opportunity to explore the reasons behind it and start toward changing my behavior going forward, breaking old, negative patterns.

It's just so confusing because I don't want T to think our work over the past year has been all lies or based on false pretenses. I just keep thinking how I want to be 100% myself though and as Anilam mentioned, stop doing all the work needed to keep up the lies and stories.

[Daeva]

I know how scary this is! I think so too that you should tell your T, if they are a good T they will deal with it in a professional way that will benefit you. I think you need to face this and work on it, as it is a recurring pattern in your life (And in my own as well). Sometimes we tell ourselves that we'll do it when we're ready or when the time is right but that may never come the best thing I know is to either come right out and say it or write it down in a letter and read it to them.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Unfortunately it is painfully obvious my T is more personally invested in me than professionally at this point. I didn't come home for 2 hours after a late session my family asked her if I was still with her she said no and please text her when I'm home or they hear from me. She knew I was in the area of her residency and even admitted to me that she wondered if she should go out and look for me. She knew I was not feeling well after the session so she worried. It's sub a strange relationship cuz I still feel the the therapeutic side of it but it goes beyond that. So it is valid for me to worry about her being personally hurt and offended that I lied (it's a rather big lie).

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Refika, the fact that it is bothering you means that it is in the way. It might make it easier to deal with to reframe how you think about your disclosure. Does the "lie" reflect a deeper psychological truth for you? Did the disclosure fill a need in the moment, in the relationship, or a long-standing need in your life? Do you feel like the "lie" protected you from some feeling or thought? Did it express a fear?

If you can take guilt out of the equation and think in terms of what psychological purpose the "lie" served, you will feel more at ease bringing it up. If your T is normally competent, I think that's how he'd view it.

Hopeless, when your T spoke of taking something personally, I doubt she was thinking of this sort of situation. She would have to feel personally invested in a way that was greater than her professional concern for you psychologically to see the issue judgmentally. Is it possible this is in any way connected to your leaving therapy for awhile? Give telling her some more thought.

-Hope

[feralkittymom]

Hopeful, (better than Hopeless, yes?) if you really, really think this is true, then I guess I would question how viable the therapeutic relationship can ultimately be for you? I'm sure it can feel mixed in the short-term--some parts helpful, some inhibiting--but over the long haul, can you feel enough (not sure that a quantity can even be defined--kind of like being pregnant!) unconditional acceptance to help you?

[AllyIsHopeful]

I don't think I feel unconditional acceptance anymore. It feels awful, actually.

[elliemay]

I think the fact that you wish to divest yourself from these stories is a testament to the fact that your therapy is working. You want to be your authentic self.

FWIW, even the lies you told are likely based in some emotional truth. Perhaps an elaboration of a scenario to illustrate the feelings underneath.

We are often taught very very early that things have to be incredibly severe to warrant any kind of help or intervention at all. The fact is that need not be the case.

I would tell your therapist. It will be embarrassing sure, but, if I were your therapist I would jump for joy that you (1) wanted to tell me (2) were moving to your authentic self and (3) wanted to understand why this was happening.

I would at least give her a chance to not judge you and understand why you did what you did.

[refika]

Well...I had my session today and after much skirting the issue, hand wringing and saying what a horrible person I am (and trying to trust T that he won't fire me and having him reiterate the "only" conditions of which the relationship could be broken (legal, etc), I told him.

I didn't go into specifics on what I lied about, I just said "I lied about some things that happened in my past." T's response? Just a very simple, calm, "I know". Wow! talk about unexpected. He wasn't surprised (he actually said that), he wasn't angry, or hurt (my other fear, that he'll feel like I betrayed him). We didn't get to talk much more about it because it was near the end of the session and we ran out of time. I was SO MAD because by then the dam was open and I wanted to continue. I even asked if we could go longer but he didn't have an opening. So...I'll pick up when I see T next time.

It's funny...I don't feel full of shame like I did a week ago when I told T something else that was just as shameful. Instead, I feel relieved and almost happy in a way that (a) T knew all along and was just waiting for me to acknowledge it and (b) I can stop pretending and lying about my past and keeping my stories straight and I CAN be my true authentic self, like Elliemay mentioned. It's like I feel more optimistic and more trusting of T knowing that for the first time in my life I'll finally be able to address my motives behind my actions of constantly lying and telling stories about myself AND truly learning who I am.

[unlockingsanity]

Good for you, Refika. You were super brave and I'm glad it turned out well.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by refika

Well...I had my session today and after much skirting the issue, hand wringing and saying what a horrible person I am (and trying to trust T that he won't fire me and having him reiterate the "only" conditions of which the relationship could be broken (legal, etc), I told him.

I didn't go into specifics on what I lied about, I just said "I lied about some things that happened in my past." T's response? Just a very simple, calm, "I know". Wow! talk about unexpected. He wasn't surprised (he actually said that), he wasn't angry, or hurt (my other fear, that he'll feel like I betrayed him). We didn't get to talk much more about it because it was near the end of the session and we ran out of time. I was SO MAD because by then the dam was open and I wanted to continue. I even asked if we could go longer but he didn't have an opening. So...I'll pick up when I see T next time.

It's funny...I don't feel full of shame like I did a week ago when I told T something else that was just as shameful. Instead, I feel relieved and almost happy in a way that (a) T knew all along and was just waiting for me to acknowledge it and (b) I can stop pretending and lying about my past and keeping my stories straight and I CAN be my true authentic self, like Elliemay mentioned. It's like I feel more optimistic and more trusting of T knowing that for the first time in my life I'll finally be able to address my motives behind my actions of constantly lying and telling stories about myself AND truly learning who I am.

This is beautiful. This is what therapy is about. Facing your mail adaptive patterns and overcoming them, with the help of your T.