[Mactastic]

I found myself saying to my T last week, "Your boundaries make me feel safe." He didn't ask what I meant, but now I'm finding myself asking that. I can't seem to articulate what that means exactly, yet it's a very true statement. It's a strange question, I suppose, but if you also find your T's boundaries make you feel safe, what does that mean for you? How is it that boundaries (which of you think about it is a nicer way to say restrictions) makes us feel good?

[AllyIsHopeful]

Maybe because it creates a feeling of safety? He enables you to trust yourself by setting clear boundaries, so you never have to worry or feel wrong about contacting him or reaching out within his set boundaries. It's probably good feeling not having to overthink things because you know if he has a problem about something, you would know about it.

It could also be a stability/structure thing. I know that's why I personally wish I had clearly defined boundaries. I have never had structure in my life and it would probably feel good to have that one thing that I could always rely on remaining the same.

[anilam]

Same here, I don't understand some posters complaining about them...

A. Ppl with good boundaries tend to respect other ppl's boundaries as well.
B. A T with good boundaries stands a better chance not to burn out on me.
C. They create expectability- if it were a word . I.e. I know what I can/cannot expect from my T.

All and all they help create a reasonably stable therapeutic environment.

[granite1]

most of my T boundaries make me feel safe. and the fact that she sticks with them also makes me feel safe. I feel I need a strong T who can handle horrible things . but I have to admit sometimes I hate them

[HazelGirl]

I know what to expect, and I know what is or is not allowed. Having grown up in an environment where the rules changed all the time, this helps me relax and not feel like I might do something wrong.

[stopdog]

My own boundaries make me feel safe. I find it better when other adults I deal with, including the therapist, knows their own.
I think it is not a therapy thing especially.

[Petra5ed]

My T's boundaries show me by example that he will not take advantage of my vulnerabilities, they also show he has self-control and self-respect, he's able to act according to his own moral/ethical rules, which is inspiring and gives me a bit of faith in humanity. They also have a self-serving purpose for my T, allow him to keep a safe distance from his clients, but this is just another way I can learn by example how to implement my own boundaries. Come to think of it, maybe it's a good idea if I cross the line with him a few times to learn from his reaction . I'm starting to take my own boundaries seriously, this just adds to my self-esteem, and helps me not to feel guilty when crazy people in my life trample over me and I say stop.

[unaluna]

Ive been trying to work on this. Boundaries define a space. My space is kind of a mess. Having a messy space served as a boundary in that it did keep other people out, but now the messiness has taken over and it even keeps me out of my own space. Maybe i havent really defined my boundaries yet?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by hankster

Ive been trying to work on this. Boundaries define a space. My space is kind of a mess. Having a messy space served as a boundary in that it did keep other people out, but now the messiness has taken over and it even keeps me out of my own space. Maybe i havent really defined my boundaries yet?

I don't think of it as a space like a home or anything. I think of it as an idea of where I end and the other person becomes.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think of it as a space like a home or anything. I think of it as an idea of where I end and the other person becomes.

Ive read that the only real cure for hoarding is intense psychotherapy. So yeah, i realize im kinda crossing genres here, literal vs metaphorical or emotional space. But im finding that clearing some physical space influences my emotional experience of that space. I do experience you as having strong boundaries and enjoying a strong sense of yourself and of agency in that space, in the way you describe how you cook and work and ride and in general live your life. I feel like im always waiting helplessly for the next brutal intrusion - which is usually just the apartment maintenance guys coming in for something. But it helps to state it explicitly like that, make it conscious.

[willowbrook]

I've told my Pdoc that his boundaries, and having those boundaries, and knowing they are in place makes me feel safe as well. I feel safe because I know I can open up to him, and place 100% of my trust in him and he will never abuse that position of trust.

After being previously abused by a Pdoc, those boundaries to me are almost freeing in a way, because I know my Pdoc abides by them, and I know he has a strong ethical sense - so I can allow myself to trust and be open. I know that trust and openness isn't going to be used against me, or used to manipulate me for his own advantages.

Boundaries to me don't feel like limitations, they feel like they give me a safe space to be unrestricted within the confines of a therapeutic relationship.

[Topiarysurvivor]

Hankster, at Christmas, my adult son , said , " Mom, I can't really say hoarding, but..."

And my brother suggested contractor size garbage bag. It was, I hope the beginning of letting go if stuff.

So far I'm on my 2nd box of 24 contractor size bags. So I don't cheat, part if it was the carpet I pulled up , but still. I know that some people don't own 24 bags full if stuff.

So I don't think you are mixing metaphors at all. My " stuff" , both the things that can be put in a garbage bag, and the emotional stuff that I only wish I could put in a garbage bags, all date from the same events - losses and betrayal.

[Topiarysurvivor]

Whoops, and boundaries and safety. My current T had this huge list at the beginning of therapy. I thought it too much - but now I appreciate the limits.

Whenever I start possibly not telling her everything, she reminds me that what happened with ex T will never happen with her, and that she would never even have have any dual relationship with a client. The first time , it caught me off guard, but now it does make me feel safer.

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I found myself saying to my T last week, "Your boundaries make me feel safe." He didn't ask what I meant, but now I'm finding myself asking that. I can't seem to articulate what that means exactly, yet it's a very true statement. It's a strange question, I suppose, but if you also find your T's boundaries make you feel safe, what does that mean for you? How is it that boundaries (which of you think about it is a nicer way to say restrictions) makes us feel good?

Hi Mactastic,

I rarely see boundaries as restrictions...

Boundaries have a way of containing the raw emotion in sessions with T.

Psychological boundaries-they make me feel safe because I know T relates to me as a separate person, while people who abused me couldn't see me as separate from them. By definition, abuses are boundary violations. I don't have to worry T will abuse me...he is consistent.

Our boundaries also tell us who we are, as in sense of self. T, having consistent boundaries, tells me implicitly that he is not going to suddenly change from who he is. It's a big trust issue....that I don't have to worry about from someone who is consistent.

PC blogs actually just posted an article about this that you might like:

5 Biggest Myths About Boundaries | World of Psychology

Does any of this resonate?

[So hopeful]

Great thread – thanks!

It took some time, but I've really come to value the boundaries that are in place in my therapy. We've never talked about them, but they're somehow palpable. I see where they are – in the caring, thoughtful, mature and civilized way my therapist relates to me.

In the fever of my first desirous feelings, I once recounted to him a dream that had to do with longing for him, but was so unsubtle that I could tell it almost as a joke. In truth I guess I was testing the waters, and he responded kindly that dreams could be playful. That made me feel so safe. That courtesy, and his reliably steady, helpful and always respectful treatment has made me feel that I can talk freely about longing, lust and love without it being either dismissed or misunderstood as a come-on – even when I mean it as a come-on.

Your initial question about why boundaries, which are restrictive, make us feel good is interesting. I often think of my sloppy, emotional, rudderless self as a torrent. Good therapy, good relationships and other healthy forces are like the banks of a river that turn the destructive, out of control, aimless flood into an easier, more controlled, more purposeful river. I can still enjoy my desirous feelings in fantasy or in general warm feelings for him, because of that sense that the water won’t spill over the banks. I can enjoy it and not be overwhelmed by it.