Why can't some T's be more gentle

HazelGirl · Feb 20, 2014, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by growlycat

My main T has told me when he is furious with me, but it does help when they say: "I'm only angry because I care. Anger is not possible without emotional investment."

I believe that T's can be both warm and fuzzy AND confronting.

Please tell us more fuzzy bear. You always support PC people, accept a little in return if you can .

I would forever lose my trust in my T if she became angry or furious with me. That is never okay.

SeekerOfLife · Feb 20, 2014, 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I was always worried that one T would be "mad" at me, and I asked this T a couple of times if he was ...his reply? "I feel like this is my analysis" and "Yes in fact I am mad at you"..

Sorry there aren't more details, I could write a book on this topic, but I'm scared to speak

Whoa. That was an interesting answer. Makes me raise my eyebrows.

Petra5ed · Feb 20, 2014, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wandering Pony

Can I just say this has not happened yet with my T but I am SO scared it will. She is kind and gentle and giving.....and I'm just waiting for the moment I do something and change it all.

Me too, I worry about this happening all the time, but so far so good. My T been very good at not hurting my feelings, it makes it easy to be honest. There have been only a few things he's said that came across as insensitive. I would seriously bring it up with your T, could be a misunderstanding.

growlycat · Feb 20, 2014, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I expect there's a context to this statement because you seem to have a good relationship with your T. But I don't think anger has any place in confrontation. I have to say this phrase gave me chills. Way too close to the sort of excuse I'd hear my parents say to justify their abusive displays of anger.

My T once said to me in response to my literally begging him to not be angry with me before telling him something (a rare and overwhelming expression of negative transference from me), "I could never be angry with you, FKM." And another time when I said I felt he was angry with me (I was wrong), he responded that I'd never seen him angry--and immediately apologized for his wording because he felt it might have sounded to me like a threat (and I did hear the echo of a threat for a split second before putting it aside as not coming from him.)

I can't think of a situation in which anger directed at a client by a T doesn't represent at least a momentary failure of the therapeutic alliance.

You have a good point and this does sound strange out of context!

I can't remember what I did to make him angry, but I have seen him over 20 years and he has been openly angry with me less than a handful of times. I did test him back in the day.

But I remember our talks about his anger were eye opening and healing for me. He told me that some patients want different things from their therapists. Some just want him to shut up and listen.

I on the other had want a deep and "real" connection, as much as that is possible or appropriate in a therapeutic relationship. He said in order to have a "real" relationship with "real" investment of feeling, then he needed the space to be angry once in awhile. To me, it is worth it.

Let me be clear -- he s the kindest, gentlest person I have ever known and I believe he has gone above and beyond for me. Even when he speaks about those past angry moments he seems a bit ashamed and says that "I did "lose it" (maybe he said lose my sht?) with you back then."

I would not put up with that in most contexts, but he has been very very good to me.

anneo59 · Feb 24, 2014, 08:41 AM

Agreed folks! The best!

stopdog · Feb 24, 2014, 10:39 AM

I cannot imagine any reason for a therapist to get angry with a client unless they have become overly invested. It is my life and not theirs. My decisions are not their concern.

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Why can't some T's be more gentle

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