Transference vs. Attraction

I've read a lot about transference here in the forums. Being admittedly uninformed on many aspects of therapy, I find out about things like "transference" and "countertransference" and "rupture" by reading here and then googling them.

So ... the part I don't completely understand ... what is the difference between transference and just plain old attraction? Is it different or is it just called transference in the therapeutic relationship because nothing could come of it?

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The reason it's called "transference" is that a person transfers feelings that are really about somebody else, onto (for instance) the therapist. Transference happens in other relationships as well - I might get angry at a friend for doing something that reminds me of something annoying that my wife does, for instance. (That's a fictitious example. I have no wife.) I've read somewhere that love at first sight is actually transference - we can't have any actual well-founded feelings about somebody we've only just set eyes on, so such strong feelings have to be rooted in feelings we have had at some point for someone else.

And all transference is not about (romantic) attraction. As I said, it can lead to anger. And with therapists, it is also very common to have parental transference, where we get feelings that are actually about our parents, and turn T into a mother or father figure.

Transference can be any transfer of feeling to another, whereas attraction is a specific type of feelings towards someone.

The thing about erotic transference is that it's often feelings taken from childhood as a need to feel loved and important to someone, and then they're transferred onto your T as sexual feelings. It can be confusing, but a dead giveaway is whether you feel childish or uncontrolled in your feelings. If you "can't help it" or "don't care about his/her negative qualities" it's probably transference.

Some of us poor souls are suffering from both. I have erotic transference feelings (stemming from childhood, I bet) but my physical attraction to him was immediate. He's really handsome, plain and simple. It's brutal!

For me I see the difference more like, I can look at my Psychiatrist and think he's a really nice looking guy with a great personality. If neither of us were married, he wasn't my Doctor and we happened to meet somewhere (like a bar or club) then sure, why not, he'd definitely be in with a chance. But those thoughts don't go any further than that.

If I was experiencing transference I think it would feel more like a longing, like I wanted him to hold me and protect me and love me, and make me happy and give me all the things I felt I missed out in my childhood. It'd be more of a fantasy construct rather than just a simple acknowledgment of attraction to another human being.

For me as well I differentiate between acknowledging attraction and actually being attracted. One is more passive, the other more active. If that makes sense? It's hard to explain.

It makes a lot more sense now. Thanks.

What about countertransference? It seems like that is mostly just the T reacting to transference?

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Countertransference is basically any emotion the T feels or brings into the therapy room. Whether it's sadness or empathy for you, or grumpiness because they've had a long and difficult day, it's up to them to keep it in check and use it for your benefit.

Thank you so much for asking this, OneWorld! I've wondered myself. In my case, I noticed my T was quite sexy right off the bat at our first appointment. At that time, I had zero intention of coming back for a second appointment or beyond. Fast forward several months, and so help me Goddess, but I want to shag him rotten.
Realistically, that's never gonna happen. We're both married, and well, boundaries blah blah blah. But hey! A girl can enjoy her fantasies, right?

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That is exactly my situation. We're both married, close in age, both athletic and think if we met at a different time things would be different. Luckily the attraction isn't there during session, it's after that I can't stop thinking of him.

Same here! We're literally about 6 weeks apart in age, share similar interests, and I think if we'd met under different circumstances, we might have been friends. I'm grateful that during our appointments, I'm not thinking about, well...that. But afterwards? Cold shower time.

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I think the intense confusion comes when it's a mixture of transference and attraction. If the T has attractive qualities, that can cause some level of discomfort, but throw into that some transference as well, you've got yourself a pickle. Understanding where the transference comes from and acknowledging the attraction can help. I have talked to my T about this and she has handled it brilliantly. It does ease the pain when you can talk about it. Not sure if the option to widen your support network is available to you, but I have found this has helped (a bit).

I am so thankful that I don't have the attraction thing going too with t. the maternal transference is hard enough!!!