[Tongalee]

Hi All,

This is probably a really stupid post, but I've found myself inhibited lately by the lack of trust I feel with my T. The other day I told her something very scary and big, which was a very difficult thing for me to do as I've never told anyone about it before. She was great, and when I was getting really anxious, upset, and needing to leave, she let me go without question or deterrence, and emailed me later to find out how I was doing and if I was ok.

She has done a lot of extra research on the topic and spent time putting together little presentations and notecards of scientific reasonings for what I've been going through, and I really appreciate the hard work and extra time she is putting in to helping me, but I can't help feeling like I wish I had never told her. In the last few sessions, I've made sure to have topics to discuss that diverge us from talking about the subject. I know that she knows what's going on, she's far from stupid, but I don't want to/know how to continue talking about it.

To make matters worse, when I'm not with her I feel like she's talking about me behind my back, or telling people about what I've told her. I know that she's not, but I can't help feeling like there's an inevitable point in the near future where something terrible happens, or more that she does something terrible to me. I'm trying really hard to tell myself to stop, that there's nothing to be afraid of, and that she is a good person who is not planning on hurting me, but its not really working.

I know that I should talk to her about this, but I don't know how to do so without hurting her feelings; she's such a good person and done so much hard work, I don't want her to think that it was all worthless.

Has anyone gone through this as well and perhaps have suggestions?

Thanks,
Tongalee

[monkeybrains21]

I wish there was something I could say to help, but I feel exactly the same way. I fear my T will one day have ppl waiting for me and lock me up. I believe she knows I don't like to feel powerless but I get really agitated and go off. I am no threat to her she is an innocent. But to put me in a position where I am trapped and I don't know what would happen other than I will never go without resistance, I will die before anyone has a chance to take away my freedom.

I can relate Tongalee. My T has done some terrible things to me and I'm afraid he continues to talk about me. It hurts so much...the thought of it...how close we were....and finding out that he really was against me all along. I'm sure there are not many like mine. Your T sounds like she wants to help you. I suggest being cautious and watchful of her behavior. If you ever find out she's done the things you suspect of her leave immediately.

[Freewilled]

I can understand what you mean, with thinking it's only a matter of time before the T relationship falls apart...I talk to my t about this very thing quite often. I do believe it gets to him...but I also try to phrase it in respectful ways. It's just if we don't talk about it, then how can it be worked on? Like you, I try to push that concern away and just push past it but it never works /:

For example, I told my T that it seemed like he was angry with me the week before. He denied this and put it back on me, my past, etc. I told him what he said DOES make sense, true. But I also think something else may be going on. I said I know he's human and I would rather he be honest with me. Now, maybe I am just projecting. Maybe I am mad at my T unconsciously and I am the one not telling him. But we have had at least one rupture where his frustration came out at me. He was very apologetic.

So basically, I'd rather a T just be more real. Do you feel like your T is being real or honest with you?

This is off topic, but I have to ask. Should a guy have a male therapist or female. I prefer female, except they expect us guys to be bulletproof. Males I really can't express too much to either. I was raised to not cry. If I got whipped and cried I would get whipped again. Eventually you just build anger towards everyone, at least I did when I was young.

This bipolar stuff, once diagnosed as ocd, and off/on depression has really stolen every last ounce of my sanity

[iScottM]

I have had similar feelings about my T.
I find that if I tell him what I am feeling it helps.
It used to be very difficult for me to do so; I was afraid of alienating him, hurting his feelings, sounding paranoid, etc.... but each time I have expressed these things to my T the result has been positive.
Scott

[GardenLady59]

I've had a wonderful therapist for years. I don't even need to see her every month and sometimes go nearly a year without. I have never had a T who has actually betrayed my trust, talked about me or even remotely suggested I should be arrested. Maybe my advice or reflection on your situation(s) would not interest you. But my first thought is there seem to be enough of you here who really think your therapists have it out for you, and I have to wonder if you have diagnoses of paranoia at all? I just cannot imagine having any doctor or therapist that I could not trust and me sticking with them for any length of time. I feel like my time and energy are just as important than theirs and that since they are getting paid to see me and treat me, they need to do so with discretion and respect in accordance with the oath they swore. I sure hope this helps you somehow.

[HazelGirl]

I understand what you mean. It sucks that my T has been so kind and caring, and yet I can tell her to her face that I believe she is lying and secretly hates me and is out to hurt me. It hurts that I still can't trust her, and that I am still so skeptical of everything she says and does.

[unaluna]

I think its some little transference imp in us. I told my t this week that i hated him because he was fast. He is slow in session, but i know IRL he moves fast, like my mother. Its weird.

[willowbrook]

I have a wonderful, kind, caring and insightful Pdoc, who I've been working with for the past 3 years. And it was only 6 months into last year that he gained my complete trust.

I experienced previous abuse at the hands of another Psychiatrist so it made it very difficult to trust, not him but the Psychiatrist part of him. I'd go to a session and come away feeling positive, but then the doubts would start (what did he mean by *that*, what does he think of me, does he just think I'm full of sh**, what's he writing about me, is he just mentally rolling his eyes and hoping I go away, etc etc) and also that voice in my head that just kept going 'Don't forget, he's still a Psychiatrist, remember what happened last time. If you trust him you're giving away your power'.

The only thing that really helped me was time, letting my more rational side talk back to the doubting, emotional side, and just my Pdoc being there as a constant with every appointment.

[monkeybrains21]

Originally Posted by GardenLady59

I've had a wonderful therapist for years. I don't even need to see her every month and sometimes go nearly a year without. I have never had a T who has actually betrayed my trust, talked about me or even remotely suggested I should be arrested. Maybe my advice or reflection on your situation(s) would not interest you. But my first thought is there seem to be enough of you here who really think your therapists have it out for you, and I have to wonder if you have diagnoses of paranoia at all? I just cannot imagine having any doctor or therapist that I could not trust and me sticking with them for any length of time. I feel like my time and energy are just as important than theirs and that since they are getting paid to see me and treat me, they need to do so with discretion and respect in accordance with the oath they swore. I sure hope this helps you somehow.

I know I'm paranoid, I come from parents who stab in the back. I stopped trusting ppl a long time ago. I say things here I would never say to anyone in real life. There is a certain level of anonymity that allows me to be less paranoid but still there is many things I would never say here even. That's because it is not very hard to find anyone through their technology. Everything we say on the internet is being read by someone other than who it is intended for. Moderators. NSA. FBI. CIA. Hackers, and the list goes on. The American government has proven to the world that they have no boundaries. Everything is recorded for use against us in the future. With the technology we all use we have an open invitation for them to watch our every move if they choose to do so

[mybabyboy]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

I wish there was something I could say to help, but I feel exactly the same way. I fear my T will one day have ppl waiting for me and lock me up. I believe she knows I don't like to feel powerless but I get really agitated and go off. I am no threat to her she is an innocent. But to put me in a position where I am trapped and I don't know what would happen other than I will never go without resistance, I will die before anyone has a chance to take away my freedom.

monkeybrains21

that is exactly how I feel about my dr hes done it to me twice saying he was punishing me for not lisrening I just wrote about him my dr is a control freak he holds hospital over my head and believe me losing your freedom is horrible and degrading

[mybabyboy]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

I know I'm paranoid, I come from parents who stab in the back. I stopped trusting ppl a long time ago. I say things here I would never say to anyone in real life. There is a certain level of anonymity that allows me to be less paranoid but still there is many things I would never say here even. That's because it is not very hard to find anyone through their technology. Everything we say on the internet is being read by someone other than who it is intended for. Moderators. NSA. FBI. CIA. Hackers, and the list goes on. The American government has proven to the world that they have no boundaries. Everything is recorded for use against us in the future. With the technology we all use we have an open invitation for them to watch our every move if they choose to do so

that is sooo true that's why my dr starting getting paranoid about the txs he was sending me

[monkeybrains21]

Originally Posted by mybabyboy

monkeybrains21

that is exactly how I feel about my dr hes done it to me twice saying he was punishing me for not lisrening I just wrote about him my dr is a control freak he holds hospital over my head and believe me losing your freedom is horrible and degrading

Babyboy the weird thing us my T is super nice never tries to control me no text, calls, emails nothing. She plays devils advocate. She has me say what I say then goes and tells me the opposite. I thinks it's to calm me down since I am very hyper and get agitated quickly. Then there are times I think she likes to get me to argue on topics. The problem is I can't remember what I say most of the time other than I wish I could brutally injure my bio father for the hell I went through as a kid. There's more to that I just don't think I can say it here. (They are reading this)

[monkeybrains21]

Babyboy btw I did read ur post. I have a hard time being able to see things from ur pt of view, if it was myT I'd of dropped em the moment that stuff happened. But then again I don't get attached. The real issue is how do u get ur meds then. My partner was on seri seroqel for a long time she gained weight to. Now her Pdoc labeled her bipolar and put her on a bunch of stuff including lithium. Her T didn't think it was a proper diagnosis. After a few yrs she started to half her dose and then a few months later completely off it. She did this because she couldn't function without taking the seroqel right after work. She had to take it everyday at the same time or she would go through withdraw. Now today she's been off of all meds for about 3yrs. Her T and I don't think her moods are any worse than average ppl.
Am I saying go off ur meds? Hell no only u and ur doc can decide that. She was diagnosed after a horrible family event and she SI the put her in a hospital. I don't think she should have been diagnosed after such a traumatic event, they should have supported her and been there for her not give her organ damaging meds.

[Tongalee]

I don't think that I'm experiencing this quite as some of you are. My T has never given me any reason to fear that she would take away my freedom or other such things, and I really have no reason to be suspicious of her. Now, after reading several of these posts, it seems that I am more pushing her away by making her figure seem more untrustworthy, simply because I have put a lot of trust in her and that is scaring me. Telling her what I did put me in a very vulnerable position, and I think that Scott is right, I should talk with her about how I'm feeling and let her know that I'm looking for excuses to take a step back. Perhaps with this information we can look together at how to push past this and understand how to feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. She is a good person and a wonderful T, she deserves much more than my suspicion and doubt. Like I said previously, I'm so grateful for all of the hard work that she has put into helping me through this. Thank you guys for your comments, it's helped me sort it out a bit better.