[JustMeMyselfAndI]

I'm scared of terminating with T
I'm scared that i'm too attached to T
I'm scared that I've let T into my life
I'm scared of rejection
I'm scared I can't actually feel emotions
I'm scared of showing my emotions
I'm scared of 'crashing'
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of letting down my guard
I'm scared of never getting rid of my thoughts/flashbacks
I'm scared of doing something i'll regret
I'm scared of moving forward
I'm scared i'll never be-able to move forward
I'm scared of sleep
I'm scared of being judged
I'm scared of being wrong
I'm scared I don't know who I am
I'm scared that I don't actually know if I'm scared or just being stupid
I'm scared of my past/present and future

But the other me - on the outside is smiling..a confident enthusiastic person..I don't have trouble making friends.. i'm at university with decent loyal friends and I genuinely feel this too?! I go out lots and I never let my past/thoughts stop me.. I enjoy my life... but inside my head is the other me sneaks up especially at night or when i'm alone...But right now, i've got nothing to be upset about.. i currently have a roof over my head, food and loving house-mates. But all I want is to go back to my horrible abusive and neglectful past or T to adopt me and keep me safe.

I feel like a robot. EatSleepWorkRaveSmileRepeat

Sorry.

[Leah123]

Awe, this is not unusual! I can relate to so many of those fears, letting someone in, being too attached, being rejected, breaking down (crashing/failing), fear of sleep, not ever making real progress, judgement, and I've certainly been scared of never getting past flashbacks.

I also do fine in my day to day life- I have a good job, am doing well in school, work friends, family, etc. but yes, I would at times love to run off and get adopted by my T, lol, or start a whole new life somewhere.

It sounds like you are just in a very stressful period of your life right now, but this too shall pass. I try to counteract my fear with thoughts of Quan Yin, a Buddhist deity of compassion, I look at her little statue on my desk and remind myself I deserve compassion. I am a good person, doing my best, and my fears are a very human reaction to adversity, no need for me to judge myself or worry, but rather to treat myself gently and lovingly.

Have you mentioned these fears to your therapist?
Have you considered trying to counteract them by doing things to soothe yourself?
For me, sometimes those things are simple- wrapping up in a nice cozy quilt when all the "what ifs" get really loud, or putting on a comedy, or making some hot chocolate. Some are deeper, listening to reassuring/empowering visualizations, doing DBT to get through my bouts with really difficult emotions, including fear and anxiety. They all help some.

Another thing to remember: you are more resilient, more strong, than you probably think you are. Even if some of those fears are realized, they won't be the end of you! No doubt, you have already dealt with some type of adversity in the past, and yet you are here now, it didn't stop you, not for good!

[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Thanks Leah I wasn't really expecting any replies, it was more of a 'rant' .. but i really do appreciate your comfort! Yes your right these are normal feelings - Reminding myself about compassion for myself is defiantly needed however selfish I may think that feels.

Have you mentioned these fears to your therapist?

I guess not we have probably touched on them indirectly. Probably something I should bring up..but i just don't want it to be 'something' else to add to my problems..

We've touched on transference as i've expressed my 'scaredness' of leaving T.. but as with above we're working on other stuff which will actually help with that - anyway I think T knows i'd probs feel really uncomfortable talking about it as I tend to write down anything like that!

Have you considered trying to counteract them by doing things to sooth them yourself?

I do the whole duvet and hot choc thing too!!

Keep strong too x