[IndestructibleGirl]

*Trigger warning for those offended by/ uncomfortable with sexual masochism*

I had my session yesterday. And I didn't cry because we weren't looking at the really difficult stuff, we were talking about what I'd done the night before - I had a lot of fun out with friends, but drank too much. It was not a mainstream event, and one friend brought his whip along, and to cut a long story short I have quite a few marks from playing with him.

In session when we were discussing this I showed my therapist a whip mark on my arm and thought nothing of it. But then, later at home, I suddenly realized I had not asked her if it was okay to do that - I just showed her. And to me it wasn't a big deal, not a nasty cut at all, but she had said to her it looked significant - so then I started worrying in case I had caused her real discomfort or distress, but that she had just kept her own feelings about it out of the room. The thing was, though, that even though I felt guilty for not remembering to check (usually I am super careful about this kind of thing) and just spontaneously showing her and unhappy at the idea of causing her distress - well, I didn't catastrophize it in my own head. I thought, I'll apologize and we can talk about it, and it will be okay - it won't have messed up our relationship forever. As it happens it wasn't a problem at all, she said it helps her understand more to see it.

Then later, I reflected on the way I feel differently about the connection now. Back when I started, and as I started to get attached, the sessions were great, but in between I still felt alone - like the connection was only live whenever we were talking or writing etc. Now it's starting to feel like it's there the whole time, even on days we're not in touch it's there in the background. I'm not sure I'm expressing this well, but it does feel quite different.

So I wonder - I'm sure I have a long way to go, but is this maybe what the start of secure attachment looks like? How would you describe what secure attachment to your therapist feels like for you?

[Leah123]

Yes, internalizing the therapist is definitely a goal of therapy- and the fact that you could carry on that reassuring conversation with yourself as to how you would patch up any potential negative outcome of showing her the mark on your arm, is a good sign. Also, showing her the marks nonchalantly in the first place is another good sign: you really don't need to worry about doing something like that in therapy: it's the perfect space to let go of fear of being too much for someone (too distressing) as well as the typical fear of being judged negatively.

P.S. Did he miss the mark getting your arm? Because.... ouch.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Yes, internalizing the therapist is definitely a goal of therapy- and the fact that you could carry on that reassuring conversation with yourself as to how you would patch up any potential negative outcome of showing her the mark on your arm, is a good sign. Also, showing her the marks nonchalantly in the first place is another good sign: you really don't need to worry about doing something like that in therapy: it's the perfect space to let go of fear of being too much for someone (too distressing) as well as the typical fear of being judged negatively.

P.S. Did he miss the mark getting your arm? Because.... ouch.

Yes! That was exactly it - being able to reassure myself that it would definitely be okay, and actually believing it! It wasn't just me trying to say the right things in my own head, I believed it.

Re the marks...well I've heard that some therapists get uncomfortable at self harm wounds and I suppose I was thinking along those lines when I was worried in case I'd distressed her.

And yes, he did miss the mark with my arm, my navel also copped it it was a long Indiana Jones style whip, so difficult to handle with precision!

[unaluna]

This is kind of backwards proof, but - a few years ago, i was cutting the grass at my mothers so she made me some pasta and asked me how much cheese i wanted on it. I said just put some. She dumped on a whole bunch, and said i know your brother likes a lot of cheese. I dont like as much. I like a human amount. But it was like she only had a slot in her brain for how much my brother likes - no slot for me. I was just stunned. How can you know what one kid likes but not the other? I guess if you dont pay attention; if you dont attach. Im not looking for hugs or sympathy; im just saying - if you are attached to someone, you think about them, you remember things about them. And vice versa. It was the vice versa i never got, until t.

[sweepy62]

Thats a secure attachment which is expected in therapy, that is good for you. by the way, i use to play those type of games as well lol. I hope you are comfortable with this attachment, hugs.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by hankster

This is kind of backwards proof, but - a few years ago, i was cutting the grass at my mothers so she made me some pasta and asked me how much cheese i wanted on it. I said just put some. She dumped on a whole bunch, and said i know your brother likes a lot of cheese. I dont like as much. I like a human amount. But it was like she only had a slot in her brain for how much my brother likes - no slot for me. I was just stunned. How can you know what one kid likes but not the other? I guess if you dont pay attention; if you dont attach. Im not looking for hugs or sympathy; im just saying - if you are attached to someone, you think about them, you remember things about them. And vice versa. It was the vice versa i never got, until t.

Yeah. Once about 2 yrs ago my dad and stepmom came to visit and they brought supper. Which was very thoughtful. It was a BBQ chicken. My dad seemed a bit surprised to learn that we were vegetarian. At that point I'd been vegetarian for about 20-odd yrs, my home with partner has always been vegetarian, my last 5 years under his roof I was vegetarian... Well, you get the picture. And I felt really picky and somehow ungrateful about the chicken. Like I should just eat it because it was nice that he'd brought supper. It's a nice thing about a secure attachment that someone knows you and thinks about you and that when you're upset or you have something to say or show, you can be confident that there's room for it in the relationship.

[unaluna]

Jeans well chicken is not red MEAT, right?? O.m.g. you would think they would remember Twenty years of tofurkey!!