[ahdm]

I just had my last session with my T and will never see her again

I had a plan for our last session together:
1. Go in there and talk about social services calling
2. Roll up my sleeves to show her my scars and talk to her about them and the voices that made me do it
3. Give her the card and painting
4. Ask her to listen to me singing a song that relates to me and how I feel
5. Let the words flow out of my mouth about how I feel about ending and the abandonment that is brought back from my mum and dad, and how I wanted to turn back time and change it but when I got the chance I didn't, and how I don't want therapy to be just another bad memory
6. Ask for a hug
7. Say thank you over and over again hoping she'll get the message
(not in that order)

What I did:
1. SI'd before the session
2. Had no tissue so had to leave my sleeves rolled up and get a tissue in her room.
3. Talked for 10 minutes about social services (couldn't really get a word in edgeways)
4. Gave her the card and painting right at the end of the session
5. Didn't ask her to listen to me singing
6. Didn't ask for a hug
7. Didn't talk about any of the things I wanted her to know - instead, I had to do a worksheet on a plan for when I feel sui

So all in all, it went okay, but it could have gone a million times better.
I walked out of there and didn't cry for once, because I think it was a nice end, but it could've been better. I'm happy with how it went, because I got a little bit of closure and I didn't completely break down at the end of it

What I would like to do now is send her a letter in the post (definitely NOT email) just saying thank you again, and just briefly outlining how I think the session went. Inevitably, there wasn't enough time for me to get full closure out of that session, but I feel I will when I send her the letter, just to let her know. I am not expecting anything to come out of her from her side i.e. I'm not expecting a reply or an offer for another session. But I just feel if I get it out in the open, then I will be fine after that, and I can get on with my life and not regret therapy.

What do you think? What is your opinions on what I've written? What would you do in my situation?

Thank you

[Leah123]

I think you've done well gaining perspective on what happened, and are approaching a difficult transition with a good attitude. If you feel sending the letter will give you more closure, I would definitely send it. I just want to mention sometimes when I send a message, thinking I do not want or need to receive a reply, sometimes, later, I change my mind and realize I really to want a reply, so, just something to consider in case that might happen with you.

Please take really good care of yourself, please be kind. Treat yourself to something you enjoy and do things that are comforting to you.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I think you've done well gaining perspective on what happened, and are approaching a difficult transition with a good attitude. If you feel sending the letter will give you more closure, I would definitely send it. I just want to mention sometimes when I send a message, thinking I do not want or need to receive a reply, sometimes, later, I change my mind and realize I really to want a reply, so, just something to consider in case that might happen with you.

Please take really good care of yourself, please be kind. Treat yourself to something you enjoy and do things that are comforting to you.

Thank you. I would be happy with a reply, even if it was just an acknowledgement from her that she'd received it. Do you have any suggestions for how I could go about that?

[worthit]

I think you went in there with pre determined expectations and it didn't go your way totally so you're quitting. Therapy takes years and definitely time to trust and get to know each other. I've had 4 therapists in 4 years. One for only one session the latest,who I adore for a year now. Homework helps your T as well as you understand your thought processes about cutting and sui thoughts,so that you think next time before doing it again. That's CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Good luck and I hope you go back.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by worthit

I think you went in there with pre determined expectations and it didn't go your way totally so you're quitting. Therapy takes years and definitely time to trust and get to know each other. I've had 4 therapists in 4 years. One for only one session the latest,who I adore for a year now. Homework helps your T as well as you understand your thought processes about cutting and sui thoughts,so that you think next time before doing it again. That's CBT. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Good luck and I hope you go back.

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

Sorry, I don't think you quite understand. My CBT was supposed to finish two sessions ago, but because of the state I was in, my T gave me two more. This is it now. CBT is very limited in terms of sessions in the UK, so I wasn't allowed any more - I didn't just decide to quit.

[worthit]

Oh, gotcha. Thanks

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk

[Leah123]

Well, I would probably write at the end of the letter something like:

"It would really help me gain a sense of closure if you would _________ (email/phone/write, etc.) to let me know you received and read this message."

Good luck!!

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Well, I would probably write at the end of the letter something like:

"It would really help me gain a sense of closure if you would _________ (email/phone/write, etc.) to let me know you received and read this message."

Good luck!!

Thank you, I always worry about sounding needy.
Do you think it would be crossing a boundary if I sent her a letter even though I'm not her client anymore? And how long do you think the letter should be?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ahdm

Thank you, I always worry about sounding needy.
Do you think it would be crossing a boundary if I sent her a letter even though I'm not her client anymore? And how long do you think the letter should be?

I don't know if it's a good idea to send her a letter because you aren't a client anymore and won't be. There may be rules in place where she is not allowed to respond. Also, can you get therapy off the NHS? It's always better to be in control of your own therapy than to allow the government to be in control of it.

[RTerroni]

Maybe better that you didn't ask for a hug because I did at the last session with a Therapist that I saw for 4 years but she told me that she didn't give them and I felt very upset afterwards.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by ahdm

Thank you, I always worry about sounding needy.
Do you think it would be crossing a boundary if I sent her a letter even though I'm not her client anymore? And how long do you think the letter should be?

Well, my feeling is... what do you have to lose? In important relationships, important to share our hearts, I think, so I would not limit myself as far as length. Just imagine the worst scenario and try to prepare.

I suppose the absolute most horrific one would be that she told you not to write again? You're not going to write anything illegal I figure, haha, so no crimes to worry about. So, if the worst case outcome would be getting cut off.... well, back to the first question.

I'm hoping it'd give you some closure, probably best to find some extra support too though, during this transition, like posting here, etc.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't know if it's a good idea to send her a letter because you aren't a client anymore and won't be. There may be rules in place where she is not allowed to respond. Also, can you get therapy off the NHS? It's always better to be in control of your own therapy than to allow the government to be in control of it.

I did have therapy on the NHS, otherwise I wouldn't have had therapy at all :/
But I guess they will only pay for a certain amount of sessions or there is a limit on the number of sessions a person can have for CBT... I don't know the rules...

Why don't you think it would be a good idea? Just trying to get another insight here

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Well, my feeling is... what do you have to lose? In important relationships, important to share our hearts, I think, so I would not limit myself as far as length. Just imagine the worst scenario and try to prepare.

I suppose the absolute most horrific one would be that she told you not to write again? You're not going to write anything illegal I figure, haha, so no crimes to worry about. So, if the worst case outcome would be getting cut off.... well, back to the first question.

I'm hoping it'd give you some closure, probably best to find some extra support too though, during this transition, like posting here, etc.

I don't really have much to lose, but I don't think my head would think of it that way if she were to refuse contact at all ever again or if she didn't reply... I think it would probably make me feel worse if that happened...

I know it would give me closure to say the few things I've wanted to say since I first met her. Otherwise, I'll obsess over it for the rest of my life, and eventually it will turn into a bad memory, and I have enough of those already because I didn't take the risk

Thank you

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

Maybe better that you didn't ask for a hug because I did at the last session with a Therapist that I saw for 4 years but she told me that she didn't give them and I felt very upset afterwards.

I think I would've been able to deal with it if she said no to a hug, because then at least I'd know I'd tried. Now all I know is that I missed an opportunity and all I will ever ask is 'what if?' and I don't want to be questioning her response for the rest of my life. But that will probably end up happening anyway, because I can't just go back to her and ask for a hug...:/

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ahdm

I did have therapy on the NHS, otherwise I wouldn't have had therapy at all :/
But I guess they will only pay for a certain amount of sessions or there is a limit on the number of sessions a person can have for CBT... I don't know the rules...

Why don't you think it would be a good idea? Just trying to get another insight here

I am aware you already had therapy on the NHS, but you had to quit even though you weren't done because of their rules. To avoid that and make sure it doesn't happen again, it would be a good idea to pay for a private therapist.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by ahdm

I think I would've been able to deal with it if she said no to a hug, because then at least I'd know I'd tried. Now all I know is that I missed an opportunity and all I will ever ask is 'what if?' and I don't want to be questioning her response for the rest of my life. But that will probably end up happening anyway, because I can't just go back to her and ask for a hug...:/

I know the feeling (especially after what happen today with my current Therapist when she told me that she didn't do hugs). I sometimes ask myself if it is better to have asked and been told no that to have to have not asked at all and wonder "what if".

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I am aware you already had therapy on the NHS, but you had to quit even though you weren't done because of their rules. To avoid that and make sure it doesn't happen again, it would be a good idea to pay for a private therapist.

I don't have the money to afford to pay for a private therapist, otherwise I would've already. I'm only 17 :/

You could always see her again.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by ahdm

I don't have the money to afford to pay for a private therapist, otherwise I would've already. I'm only 17 :/

That's really hard.

[Elektra_]

hi. u can email her but u shouldnt write things that need further input from her caz she isnt ur T anymore (dunno if i put this right for u to understand). tell her u had few things to say but u werent able. and she might reply but expect just a nice goodbye and thanks for ur words (i think). good luck

[Bentay]

Hi ahdm, like you I had CBT on the NHS & your right its time limited When I terminated (around 4 weeks ago) I felt my final session didn't go as well as it could have. So I wrote a letter to my T (I do think you should write to your T if you want to) explaining that I was finding the ending much more difficult then expected & a couple of weeks later he wrote me back & asked me to come and see him for another session.

The only thing is, I was quite worried about not receiving a reply & if I would be able to deal with a rejection so I kept my letter relatively formal. So I'd say write a letter if you want, but think about the worst case scenario & how that would make you feel & if your ok with that go for it. Good Luck

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

You could always see her again.

Unfortunately I can't. I had 6 sessions with her last year from August - October, I then stopped because I didn't think I needed it. I then realized I did, so went back to her in December, so I've had a total of 14 sessions with her, and they won't allow any more. Ever.
It is soul destroying, heart crushing, ugly sob inducing pain.
And a part of me questions whether I should even go to see another therapist, especially if it's only going to turn out like this anyway...

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

That's really hard.

Yep
Sometimes I wish I'd never even started having therapy.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Bentay

Hi ahdm, like you I had CBT on the NHS & your right its time limited When I terminated (around 4 weeks ago) I felt my final session didn't go as well as it could have. So I wrote a letter to my T (I do think you should write to your T if you want to) explaining that I was finding the ending much more difficult then expected & a couple of weeks later he wrote me back & asked me to come and see him for another session.

The only thing is, I was quite worried about not receiving a reply & if I would be able to deal with a rejection so I kept my letter relatively formal. So I'd say write a letter if you want, but think about the worst case scenario & how that would make you feel & if your ok with that go for it. Good Luck

Unfortunately (I say this word way too much) I don't think she would offer me another session. Not that I know what she would/wouldn't do, but I was supposed to finish at 12 sessions, but because I was in such a state, she offered me 2 more... problem is, they wouldn't pay her for them because they weren't part of the 12 sessions max

I felt very bad after that, I'm not sure whether she did get paid or not, and if I had any money at all, I would've given it to her.
I guess my point and worry is that seeing as she already gave me 2 more sessions I doubt she would give me another one.

All of this was the calm before the storm - last night when I was alone in my room, it hit me. Hard. I have never felt so much pain and heartbreak and loneliness and abandonment in my life. I cried literally buckets, which is new for me.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

hi. u can email her but u shouldnt write things that need further input from her caz she isnt ur T anymore (dunno if i put this right for u to understand). tell her u had few things to say but u werent able. and she might reply but expect just a nice goodbye and thanks for ur words (i think). good luck

I am really not even going to go anywhere NEAR email, but thank you anyway.