[Yearning0723]

I now have three in person consults booked, for Friday, Saturday, and Monday...and getting cold feet. I don't want to leave current T! I am...fond...of her. (Possibly because it's been a week since I've seen her and it will be another week before I do, as she has come down with the flu. So has mentor figure this week, so I haven't had to deal with either of them, which is both a relief and anxiety-provoking.)

I like current T. She isn't necessarily good for me, but I like her. Irrationally. And part of me feels like I'm betraying her by seeing other Ts without telling her, even though she's the one that suggested it and I was going to tell her tomorrow at our now-cancelled session. I will have done all the consults by the time I see her next week.

I know I don't need to leave her; I can see her and another T or I can consult these Ts and not make my first real appointment for a few weeks. I can see what's out there and go at my own pace. But it just feels wrong.

One more thing - can you bring a pen and paper and take notes during the consults? I want to do that, but I don't want to look more neurotic than I actually am, since this might affect whether a therapist believes they will be able to help me or not.

[CantExplain]

((Yearning))

I understand.

Yes, take a pen and paper by all means. It will show that you are listening and taking it seriously.

[Yearning0723]

I'm just feeling so lonely and hopeless with all of this...I wish current T would just be gentle with me, but I don't think she can be, and I don't know if anyone can be, and even if they were, I wouldn't be able to accept it, and they might leave...

I know this is all the stuff you work on in therapy to begin with, but it's a really cruel joke that the only thing you can do to get better might actually make you worse, in the short run at least.

I was actually doing quite well before I started seeing current T, and the only reason I started seeing her was because I thought I was more stable and so ready to do the work to heal from past trauma. And things were fine with current T for the first five months or so, but now I don't know whether I'm attached to her or what's going on, because I just want her to reassure me and comfort me and tell me I'm not actually a bad client/person, even though her actions sort of suggest that I am, or at least that she doesn't care either way.

I was thinking today about whether she likes me, hates me, etc. and what I came up with is neither; she's indifferent towards me, and that hurts. And I don't know if that's reality or that's the way I'm interpreting it, and that's the hardest part, because she's not going to say, "Yearning, of course I like you and of course I care about you!" She might throw out her generic, "I care about all of my clients," but that's the best I'm going to get.

It hurts. And I feel guilty that it hurts so much.

[HazelGirl]

Maybe part of the comfort is that it is familiar due to part abuse and neglect? If so, that pull into what is "familiar" or "comfortable" will be very strong, even though she is bad for you.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I'm just feeling so lonely and hopeless with all of this...I wish current T would just be gentle with me, but I don't think she can be, and I don't know if anyone can be, and even if they were, I wouldn't be able to accept it, and they might leave...

I know this is all the stuff you work on in therapy to begin with, but it's a really cruel joke that the only thing you can do to get better might actually make you worse, in the short run at least.

I was actually doing quite well before I started seeing current T, and the only reason I started seeing her was because I thought I was more stable and so ready to do the work to heal from past trauma. And things were fine with current T for the first five months or so, but now I don't know whether I'm attached to her or what's going on, because I just want her to reassure me and comfort me and tell me I'm not actually a bad client/person, even though her actions sort of suggest that I am, or at least that she doesn't care either way.

I was thinking today about whether she likes me, hates me, etc. and what I came up with is neither; she's indifferent towards me, and that hurts. And I don't know if that's reality or that's the way I'm interpreting it, and that's the hardest part, because she's not going to say, "Yearning, of course I like you and of course I care about you!" She might throw out her generic, "I care about all of my clients," but that's the best I'm going to get.

It hurts. And I feel guilty that it hurts so much.

We know how to hurt, how to feel bad, and beat ourselves up. We've had many years of practice, because of Bad role modeling. We've had little experience as to what it's like to feel good. We don't trust it; it feels foreign; it feels down right YUCKY. You'll [therapist] take it away.

I use to tape all my sessions, and now am getting rid of most. On one, I said to my therapist as she was holding me, "This feels too good." She asked me what I meant, and I explained to her that it — the good — would be taken away from me; I don't deserve it; I don't want it. And don't you know it, I took it away from myself because those old message, I don't deserve it; i'll do something to mess it up, etc. then I fought her for the next hour of my session.

EFT(Sue Johnson) says to all the therapist she trains that they need to be able to touch their clients if they need/want it. EFT is based on John Bowby's teachings.

But, if you've decided to stay with your therapist, I think that is a fine decision for you.

[Ambra]

Hi Yearning
I've been there. Leaving a T is hard, even if you feel they might not be a good fit anymore. Maybe you feel frustrated but you are still fond of her and look for positive signs from your T? I hate attachment :/

It's not wrong to see other Ts and it doesn't mean you have decided yet. Plus you wanted to talk about it but the session was cancelled: maybe try to see it as more time to think what/who is better for you without feeling pressured. Do you think you can tell your T how you feel and the reasons why you are looking for other Ts but you would be happy to stay with her if she gave you a sign that she wants to work with you? I don't know her so I can't tell, but we are all different and maybe she just didn't realize how much you are actually struggling.

I'd say, feel free to take notes. Just explain your reasons and your fear exactly how you wrote it here, it's crystal clear and shows you are very mature, a good T can only take it positively in my opinion.