[SeekerOfLife]

This past week T. and I had THE talk about client-therapist relationship (my idea). The talk of course led to discussion about boundaries. I thought I finally understood this subject. Within the past couple of days I got on the website for Psychology Today to further confirm what she told me. I found an article/blog that threw me back to square one. It said there is a chasm between the client and therapist. It said that therapy is a one way street. To me there is no relationship on a one way street. And if I have to conduct therapy when there is a huge grand canyon between us.....well, it is not going to work. Feeling highly frustrated about this.

[Leah123]

I wouldn't go seeking out random articles on which to understand or judge your therapeutic relationship. If you thought you understood after speaking to your therapist, and your anxious searching to understand further has backfired, I'd suggest you return to your therapist.

You really can't believe everything you read, especially don't believe it's all relevant to you. I can find many articles saying the exact opposite, and articles taking every position in between, a hundred articles with a hundred variations. Further, different types of therapy and different individuals all define boundaries differently. It is in the relationship, by speaking with the person, that you'll be clear on the boundaries for your unique therapeutic relationship.

[Petra5ed]

All people are separated, but I'm not sure if a grand canyon size chasm between therapist and client is an accurate description for two people intimately connected though.

Speaking from experience I have felt very close to my T, even though at the same time I knew I couldn't hang around spooning him all week .

[stopdog]

The first therapist recently told me I was over-boundaried. I have no real idea what she means, I don't think such a thing possible, and I have no idea why she thinks I would care about her opinion on the matter. But I do think it important to recognize that everyone has them. Not just the therapist.
I think reading articles is a good plan - not because they contain absolutes, but because they show how none of those people agree on anything. They give various perspectives to consider. There is no consensus in how to conduct therapy. The closest I have found is the no sex with clients prohibition - and they seem to violate that one with alarming regularity.

Therapy, in how I look at it, (and granted I am not particularly huge on the any sort of relationship idea with a therapist) is the two way street thing is there - but not the same - the therapist gets money from me so that I can tell her things and she stays back. So we both get something -just not the same thing.

[nicoleflynn]

Therapy is a COLLABORATIVE relationship between client AND t to work on whatever it i you came in for......as in....you're a team in a sense.

My experience has been that most "expert" therapy blog posts, here on PC as well as on psychologytoday, frankly suck. Not all of them, but most that I have read. One thing that's really easy to do in that kind of bite-sized article is to take one particular concept and make a general truth out of it, without any supporting evidence at all. I regularly* read in such blogs/articles that "everybody thinks/does/wants x" when x is something I have never thought, done, or wanted. That doesn't mean that I am different from everyone else, it just means that the writer gets carried away by their own particular world-view, and applies it to everybody without discrimination.

Given the choice between your therapist who knows you, and some stranger on the Internet who was paid to write a pop psychology piece and who does not know you, whom does it make more sense to trust?

*Not really regularly, because I have mostly stopped reading these things. But it used to be true.

[stopdog]

I found this interesting.
To Cross Or Not To Cross: Do Boundaries In Therapy Protect Or Harm?

[Asiablue]

I couldn't work with a chasm between me and my therapist. And i don't think a lot of therapists could work in that way.

And if you think about it there is evidence to the contrary that there is no relationship between client and therapist because if there was no closeness, no relationship, then why would so many instances of blurred boundaries happen? Why would there be a need for ethics and boundaries if there was a huge chasm? The reality is it is a relationship of sorts and the boundaries need to be there to keep the therapist mindful of their position and not to get over-involved which would be super easy to do for people they see every week in pain and care about.

[Middlemarcher]

Adding to what everybody else said above, I suspect that for some therapists, we mean more to them and affect them more than we think we do (at least, those of us whose issues involve feeling insignificant, unworthy, etc). Jeffrey Kottler's "On Being a Therapist" talks about how the therapist can't help but be affected by his/her experiences with clients, and how it can lead to personal growth on the part of the therapist. There's a whole chapter devoted to the topic. Therapists keep boundaries to keep the environment safe and healthy for both people, but they are not hermetically sealed in a bubble.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think reading articles is a good plan - not because they contain absolutes, but because they show how none of those people agree on anything. They give various perspectives to consider. There is no consensus in how to conduct therapy. The closest I have found is the no sex with clients prohibition...

This is just so true.

[Freewilled]

I think I am over boundaried, myself. I don't let people in - not that I really understand even HOW to do so in the first place.....I go really numb and kind of shut down if it feels too close. My T seems to want me to call him or reach out more but it is a struggle.

I know Ts are affected by their clients. Many of them care very much but they have to keep it professional or it wouldn't end up being therapeutic, IMO. It just depends on what the client needs to define how the boundaries should be set, I think.

[sailorboy]

I told my therapist I would stop reading about psychology because it was making me anxious and paranoid.

I'm trying to listen to myself!

Originally Posted by sailorboy

I told my therapist I would stop reading about psychology because it was making me anxious and paranoid.

I'm trying to listen to myself!

Yup. I avoid them too. Trying to understand the nuances of therapy from a book is like trying to learn the artistry of an instrument from a book. It just doesn't work without hands-on experience and application. You can't separate the theory from the reality.

SS, go back and see if that even applies to YOUR therapy. I bet it won't quite fit when you try it on for size.

[brillskep]

I know the feeling of reading something and feeling thrown back by it. It happens when there is much at stake for you if things are this way or that way.

My experience showed me that it doesn't actually matter what any article or PhD or anyone says, except you and your T. Okay, the ethical codes that your T abides by, too. But that's it.

There are so many variations in thinking about therapy among the different schools. Even within one school of therapy, there are so many differences between the approaches of different therapists. It actually often happens that therapists disagree with one another. Even those who have the same overall mindset will still disagree about some matters. Now I don't know about your T, but the ethical codes for therapists in my community aren't really too specific. They convey the main ideas about boundaries, but except for the ones which are really important (no sexual or financial exploitation, basically no harm, confidentiality), the rest of them are really more principles and guidelines. Now, every therapist has his or her own boundaries. Something which may be fair game to one may indeed be a non-negotiable boundary for another. So basically what your T thinks is what will have an impact on your therapeutic relationship, not what some article on Psychology Today reads.

[SeekerOfLife]

Thanks to all of you for your perspectives. T. has called psychology a soft science. I think that means it is not exact. I really learn a lot when I get other peoples inputs. Thanks so much!!!

I have a lot of respect for Glen Gabbard and his work. Here's another article on boundaries for anyone interested in a psychodynamic/analytic perspective:

Boundaries in Clinical Practice by Thomas Gutheil & Glen Gabbard

[feralkittymom]

I think something to remember, too, is that therapy as a process depends upon a T being both a participant and an observer. Generally, being a participant is the easier role because most Ts are predisposed to want to help, and most clients welcome the behaviors of participation from their Ts because they feel good (whether the behaviors are hugs, out of session contact, interactivity, whatever).

But the observer role often requires a T to withhold or measure just the sort of behaviors that many clients identify as "caring." Boundaries support the participant role somewhat silently, but are often more noticeable to clients when invoked to support the observer role (we notice what's withheld or taken away).

But they're both necessary for the process to function, and Ts have to constantly weigh the balance of which to give priority to at any given time with a client. The more self-aware and experienced the T, the more they're able to handle this balance in a way that most helps the client with the least amount of disruption.

[willowbrook]

I always speak to my Pdoc about stuff I'm interested in/curious about when it comes to therapy - especially academic articles and stuff. He's a lecturer and supervisor for final year students and residents so he knows his stuff. If I just took what I read online at face value I'd be so confused I wouldn't know which way was up, one article says one thing, the next completely contradicts it. I don't think there is any hard and fast rule when it comes to therapy (apart from the blatantly obvious no-no's like don't sleep with your patients). With my own Pdoc we have a really good connection, but the boundaries are definitely there only instead of them feeling like something that's getting in the way/a wall between us (or a chasm/one way street) it's more a feeling of being safe and contained and free to explore within a protective environment.

My point being, often these articles are written from a very basic point of view and don't take in the nuances of therapy, or all the different modalities that are out there. It's more important to work on your own personal relationship and healthy boundaries within the therapeutic relationship than worry about what some article says or doesn't say.